So, I’ve been scrambling to get all of my little world organized in the preparations for moving, whenever that needs to happen. The depression has been trying to take over and I am fighting it with all I have, but, some days, it’s a bit stronger than I am and I have to argue with myself to get even a little bit done. We are such nesters, entrenching ourselves into wherever it is we are living, especially when we have been there for a bit.
I almost have Marv the RV cleared out. We have been using him as storage so there is a lot in there. As I mentioned before, I do not think Marv will be able to drive himself out of here, so, once I have him cleared out, I am going to throw him on Craigslist. I’m going to put him up for $300 and be willing to just give him away if necessary. Even if he can end up driving himself out of here, he will never pull our travel trailer, again. His hitch was falling off when we got here and I do not feel it is worth it to have it reattached since he wasn’t making it around very well.
Since I am going to off Marv, we will need something else to pull the travel trailer with, so I have been scouring Craigslist for free RVs. There have been a few and we have gone and looked at a couple of them. One of them, we actually tried to get running but it was too far gone, at least for our budget.
I’ve also been searching RVs for $500 or less. Again, there have been a few but I haven’t really pursued them because I really don’t have the money to put toward one. I don’t have it all figured out but I’m trying. It just has to work out.
My fundraisers have raised absolutely nothing. I want to delete them but part of me is still holding out hope that donations will come. Mostly, I doubt it since they haven’t even brought in a single dollar at this point. I have been considering starting a t-shirt fundraiser on teespring.com or somewhere like that. What would the t-shirt say? “I helped keep a family from becoming homeless.” I doubt I’ll do that, though. I don’t seem to be able to raise funds through fundraisers, for some reason.
Over the last few days, I have come to realize that I can not see the future, anymore. I’m not talking about some special gift to see into the future and see what will be. What I mean is being able to sort of see where I’m moving toward, envisioning what could be. I sit, quiet my mind, and try to let an image develop in my mind and nothing comes. I used to be able to do this. I used to at least have some fuzzy idea come into view but now – nothing. It’s like there is nothing in my future. I guess I’m just sitting in a place of loss, on the precipice of life changing events that I have not been working toward.
I’m wanting to run. Just get in my van and drive away, just walk out the door and not come back. I can’t do that. I have too many responsibilities for that. I can’t abandon my son, my husband, my dogs. If my son was on his own, I didn’t have a husband, I didn’t have my dogs…well, I would just disappear.
I’ve been having a lot of thoughts about closing my Facebook account, my Twitter account, and, yes, this blog. Just drop off the face of the earth or at least the electronic connection to the rest of the world. If I sit and think about it, I’m not sure what the value of these things are to me. Of course, the blog is a place for me to write, but I can do that anywhere, on any medium. I have Google Drive and could just write on there. I’m apparently really great at imagining a make-believe world of connection.
Yeah, I’m in horrible head space. I’m overwhelmed, over stressed. I try to think positive, tell myself that it will all work out in the end, it’s just stressful right now cuz I can’t see the end yet, I’ll be ok, we will be ok, it’s just time to move forward, and on and on and on but I can’t seem to hold on to it. I have even been listening to Abraham Hicks a lot to try to get myself in that mind frame and hold on to it, to no avail. I’ve been here before, and it’s worked out ok, usually after a trudging through a whole lot of bs.
I guess maybe that’s it. The bs. I don’t want to have to go through it, again, in order to find a monochrome of stability, again. I don’t want a monochrome of stability. I want full on stability, something that is always going to be there, something I can count on. At this point, it just feels like the only thing I seem to be able to count on is the fact that I will continue to circle back to this f-ed up position of lack, loss, and uncertainty. Alone.
I have fought through the previous times of going through this with everything I had. I was going to make it to the other side of it one way or the other. I’m tired of fighting to just exist, to barely get by, to constantly have to be vigilant about every last thing in my world or the house of cards will fall all over the place. I don’t want to play 52 card pick up anymore. I’m done.