dragonflygypsyusa on The Federation Forest Hike and… Dad on The Federation Forest Hike and… Brenda on Changing of the Seasons, Prepa… dragonflygypsyusa on In the Waiting Room… Brenda on In the Waiting Room…
I am overwhelmed with sadness, this morning. I want to crawl back in bed and pull the covers over my head, but I crawled out of bed in the first place because my brain, The Committee, was jabbering on and on about this and that, real or not, good or bad, bad or just undecided…and on and on and on. I have not had to deal with this for a while and am unsure what triggered this episode. I hate that I am incapable of making it stop and that I have to be extra vigilant in stalking my thoughts, focusing at least half of my energies toward reminding myself that this will pass and it’s not as bad as it feels, seems, ‘looks’ like.
I don’t think I can have my husband cleaning with me any more. We are starting to get call backs, something I seldom ever get, and what is being pointed out is the stuff that he is supposed to take care of on the cleans. I don’t know how to talk with him about it. I’ve tried and it always turns out the same: he gets his feelings hurt, gets upset with me, we argue, I have to deal with it and take care of the problem. Seeing as I absolutely hate call backs, it’s just not a good situation all the way around.
I have been looking into school, yet again. I’ve come to realize that I have started doing this whenever I am feeling really stuck in my life. “Go back to school, get a better/different job, get unstuck” I believe is the thought process on this. It’s not a bad thought but… I don’t know how I make school work and still have an income. Hell, I’m not sure how I make school work, period.
I have maxed out funding for school for anything that is associate level, which is where I would be looking. I could get some funding if I wanted to work on my BS in Criminal Justice, but…well, I just am not feeling that right now. I think, because I’m feeling really stuck, it feels like it would take way too long to accomplish anything that would improve my life walking down the criminal justice path. Yeah, I’m feeling irretrievably stuck, the perpetual catch 22, real or perceived.
The air is a bit less smoky over here this morning. Yesterday, we experienced a day long haze that was somewhat disturbing, especially when you consider how far away all of the wildfires are burning and that there is a significant mountain range between us and the fires. The smell was very light but the visual was a constant reminder of the devastation occurring for so many on other side of the state.
One can’t help but want to help in some way. My husband feels drawn to cross the mountains and go volunteer. My mind circles around the fact that so many are losing their homes, the annihilation of forests, the amount of wildlife destroyed, the people who will never quite be the same. My soul aches for them all and it leaves me feeling helpless. What do I have to offer these people in their time of trauma? It seems somewhat inadequate but all I have is my sincere desire for the wildfires to be extinguished, quickly, and the healing to begin.
Part of me would like to start a clothing, bedding, and food drive to collect the basic necessities for those that have lost so much. I have no idea how to go about doing something like that. Perhaps that is something I should research when I get home from work today. I want to do something more than just pray for these people. I’ll post any info I find on here later today or tomorrow morning so anyone that may want to help can. Until then, please pray for those that are dealing with so much, that the fire fighters begin to win this battle, that the deaths remain as low as possible, and that the recovery is swift.
I went out with my best friend last night. We had a pretty good time. Played some pool, talked a whole lot…it was a really good night. I slept in late, really late, today and really don’t feel like doing much. I have the day off, which is great since I haven’t really been feeling like being at work the last few days. I have lazy plans for today that will probably eat up the entire day, especially since I am starting so late in the day. My plans?
Fifteen audiobooks to download, the biggest one, Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda, is 15 discs. I can say that I am set for a bit on audiobooks. I think with this stack, that’s just over twenty new audiobooks to listen to.
A lot of them are about spirituality, some are learning more about myself books through recognition and healing, and then there are some that are stories about and/or from the view-point of dogs. I’m still working on reading my Inside of a Dog book, but am finding I don’t have a bunch of time to dedicate to it. Maybe that’s just poor time management on my part.
Anyway, the day is slipping past and I’m going to go enjoy it while I’m downloading all of these audiobooks. I hope everyone has a great day!!!
Drinks for humans and four leggeds: check
Fresh batteries plus spares for camera: check
Discover pass: check
Map to get there: check
The mornings have started to have that “fall is coming” slight chill to the air. I can’t say that I am particularly upset about the changing of the seasons, this time. Summer has been a long one, a challenging one, a good one. This year, I’m ready for the change, at least emotionally.
My borage has spent the last month trying to tell me its done for the season. I finally pulled about half of the plants the other day and laid them down where they were so they can drop their seeds there. Hopefully, they will decide to sprout new borage there next year.
I’ve stopped dead heading the sunflowers, which is really hard for me to do, especially since many of the sunflowers stalks still have about a million buds on them. I want seeds, though, so deadheading must come to an end. Hopefully I’ve left enough time for the sunflowers to go to seed. If not, well, I guess I’ll just have to get more seeds for things next year.
We have decided on Federation Forest for our hike tomorrow. I’m really excited about this. I haven’t gotten out into the forest for soooo long. When I think about how long it has been, I can’t believe it. I used to get out there all the time, never more than a month between visits. Now, its been longer than I can actually put a time on. Not good. My soul thrives there.
We have a clean today, a 2 bedroom, 2 bath condo. It shouldn’t take too long. Then, we are coming home and getting the truck ready to head out first thing tomorrow morning for our hike. We stopped and picked up our Discover Pass, yesterday, so we are set. YAY!! I bought the annual pass at $30 instead of the daily pass, which costs $10. I’m sure we will need it more than three times before August 2016 and we can transfer the pass between both vehicles.
After work, I need to go pick up batteries for my camera. Then, I am heading up to my best friend’s house because her oldest is in town and I haven’t seen her is what feels like a million years. I also haven’t seen my best friend for a while so it will be great to see them both. Then, back home to help get everything ready for tomorrow. I can’t wait!!!
Surgery went perfectly yesterday. The waiting for them to take her into surgery was the longest part. They took her back about 9 o’clock and she didn’t go into surgery until about noon. Surgery lasted maybe all of 15 minutes.
A little while after surgery, the doctor came out to talk with me about how things went, what they found, how she will feel and heal over the next couple of weeks, and how long it will take to get results back from the polyp testing (7-10 days, ish). Her thoughts on the polyps are that they are benign and, though more polyps could form, she is confident that this is the last of what she will have to deal with on this one. YAY!! She had photos of the polyps and her work, and both looked real good, from my completely uneducated on the topic view.
One more challenge faced and dealt with. *deep sigh* Today, I have no plans. Well, I guess that isn’t exactly true. My plans are self-care plans and I think I really need to start looking at self-care plans as immobile, inflexible plans. I’m too willingly push self-care plans out of the way for other things, usually taxing things. No balance in that at all.
That said, I have plans today. I am going to read some of the book I picked up, Inside of a Dog; What Dogs See, Smell, and Know by Alexandra Horowitz. I’m thinking I might clean off and reorganize my desk but I have that in the ‘if I feel like it’ category. I should because there are benefits to doing so. Just the clean and organized appearance afterward is destressing. I’m thinking napping and possibly some Netflix could be part of this day, along with maybe painting my toenails, something I haven’t done for a while.
Tomorrow, I think maybe we will go somewhere with the dogs for a hike/walk. I’m feeling completely drained, today, but am thinking, after a solid day of self-care and rest, I’ll be up to getting out and hiking about with the doggers. I need to get some hiking shoes/boots before we start doing any serious hiking, though. For now, I think I have what I need.
The weather is going to start its seasonal changing. It rained yesterday, somewhat relentlessly at times, and I could feel the change coming in it. The forecast for the week is sunny, with temps ranging from the upper 70’s to the upper 80’s. I know that doesn’t sound much different from what we have been having this summer, but the feel is different.
Time to stop dead heading my plants so they can form seeds for next year’s garden. It hard not to dead head when I can see so many other blooms working their way toward their beauty, but there are too many blooms and I want that energy to go toward seed production. I clipped off some tiny buds from some of the sunflowers today and I felt guilty for doing so. I’m a weird one, I am aware of this.
My Thunbergia vine bloomed while I was gone at my daughter’s. I am really loving this flower this year. Every time I have seen them in Home Depot or some nursery, I have been very drawn to them. Since this is my first time growing them, I am not instantly aware of what it is I am looking at, so I check the tag. When I find out it is Thunbergia, I get excited because I can’t wait to see mine bloom here at home. I have about 6 blooms right now.
Well, I think its time for me to start my self-care day. I have the book sitting next to the laptop and I keep finding myself looking at it. I’m really interested in learning whats inside of it. Have a great day, Everyone!!!
We have made it to the hospital, checked my daughter in, sat for a few in the waiting room, then hugged each other before for they took her back. I have to admit that a part of me is a bit nervous about this all. Everything should go great but… Well, there are those tiny possibilities that always like to make themselves known as loudly as they can so one can sit and do battle with them while they wait for their loved one to come out of surgery.
I have done three tarot readings, via my phone, and they each seemed to be messages for me and not about my daughter, which is what my focus is. I guess the ancient wisdoms are being held back from me on this one. Deep breaths. Everything will be just fine. It has to be.
I’m feeling a bit out of sorts, again, this morning. The surgery, of course, has me worried a little bit (probably more than I am letting myself know), and, since I stayed at my daughter’s last night, I am not getting to go through my morning ritual. I miss my plants. They are so soothing for me in the morning and gently carry me from barely awake to ready to take on my day. At least, that is what I tell myself and have made myself believe by having most summers include a garden.
Is it just me or am I sounding negative? I’m having a hard time finding my joy, I guess. I’m tired, emotionally tapped, not in my comfort zone, and too much is incomplete in my world right now. Maybe I am needing to just let myself scream at the top of my lungs at the sky until I can no longer feel the damages of the past few months or so.
I’ve cried. Oh how I have cried, from the depths of my soul, against my will, and without the ability to make it stop. Truman gave me that.
I think I would like to be a caterpillar. If I were a caterpillar, I could make myself a strong, safe cocoon where I could rest, heal from life’s challenges, and emerge light as a feather and able to fly. I’m feeling like the heaviest of stones right now.
I just re-read that. I guess one could say it is a suicidal statement, though I do not mean it as one. I have no desire to die, just rest for a minute, recharge, process some of the larger happenings, then get up and face life once again without the cement on my feet. I’m just so tired.