Thinking, Wondering, Noticing, Trying to Understand…

Why is it that the more you try to get ahead, the more you run into people places and things that attempt to get in your way? I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t really tell anyone anything anymore. Why would I? Mostly, I get the response of whatever it is is not a good idea, will never work, doubt doubt doubt, negativity negativity negativity. It doesn’t seem to matter what the idea is, it’s pretty much always met with naysayers in mass. I don’t get it.

I seem to fall in a category different from those that I know. When someone I know has an idea, they are backed. When they need help, people are swarming to help out. Me, in the same situations, is given the no’s, not a good idea, that sucks, wish I could help, or just plain ignored. I don’t understand. What is it about me that, when I need help, everyone abandons ship?

Ok. That isn’t completely true. I have a couple of friends that have really stepped up when I have needed it. Some of my family of origin have stepped up. My in-laws have. My brother-in-law has. But, for the majority, when I am in need help, even with something as simple as moving from one house to another, my world becomes a ghost town with only the memories of those that were there, once upon a time, and the sound of crickets.

As we are growing up, we are told to ask for help when we need it. For me, this implies that asking for help is met with, well, help. This has not been my own personal experience. I’ve seen it happen consistently for so many but not so much for me and I have to admit that it leaves me wondering what is wrong with me? Why are people so willing to help others but not me? Am I undeserving of receiving help when I need it? Or am I only allowed to ask for help with certain things, like information?

I always try to help people out as much as I can. This doesn’t always mean that I want to, but I know what it is like to need help and not find it. Does this mean I just have the wrong people in my life? Maybe. I guess I don’t really know and, since this is something that has been lifelong, I am doubting this is the only reason. Not everyone in my life can be someone who shouldn’t be, could they?

Yes, I know this sounds a bit like a whiny pity party, and maybe it is a little bit, but mostly I’m just trying to figure out why it is that I am unworthy of the same treatment I see others receive. I already don’t seem to fit in pretty much anywhere, or at least not for long, and this just seems to enlarge that feeling. What makes people look at me so differently?

My mom has said many times that I always land on my feet, and I guess that is mostly true, but what isn’t mentioned is that so many times I end up landing on broken feet in a pile of shit. Yes, I’ve landed, I’m upright, but there is no way I can maintain that for long – broken feet don’t hold much for long – and everyone seems to ignore the pile of shit I’ve landed in. If you land in shit, does it still count as a successful landing? Does it imply that help is no longer needed?

I’ve always been a pretty fiercely independent person, wanting to do things on my own, to a fault I’m afraid. I’m horrible at maintaining relationships. I’ve been living the life of a poor person for longer than I care to think about. Perhaps these are the reasons people disappear when I need help.

There are so many stories of someone being in a really bad spot, needing help desperately, throwing a blanket call for help without any expectation of it being met, and having not only people come and help but have people show up and do way more than was needed, life changing more. I guess I put some serious stock in these stories because, when I am needing help, desperate help, I throw out the blanket call, hoping at least someone will be willing to help out to the best of their ability, and end up with no response, crickets. (Well, there was that one time when we were stuck in Idaho. One of my friends rescued us in such a thorough way, I was speechless and grateful beyond reason. There is nothing I won’t do for her.)

Here’s an example. I have a few crowdfunding fundraisers going to try to get some help with our current ‘have to move, somewhere, somehow’ issue we have going on. I have asked for $10000, with the thought that we could buy a small piece of land, probably without utilities, to call home base. Yes, the no utilities part  would suck, but at least there would be some place to land that would allow us to not be at the whim of others in that respect and not have to worry about having to move our gypsy camp ever again. Now, I know that $10000 is a lot of money, but if only 500 people donated a mere $20 each, the goal would be met. Unfortunately, after a week, there has not even been one donation. Not one. Not a single one. What am I supposed to think about that? What I am thinking is that I am all alone on this and actual complete homelessness is where we are headed.

I’m not sure why I even thought the crowdfunders would be of any help. I couldn’t even get one donation toward helping me buy a much needed vacuum cleaner when I was still cleaning full-time, and that was a ton less money. I am in this thing called life pretty much on my own, apparently, with the occasional help from friends and family, which I know makes me sound ungrateful to those that have helped when they have. On the contrary. I am extremely grateful for the help that has come, when it has come, from those it has come from. I guess I am just feeling desperate about my current situation and am really needing help with it and not seeing any help coming. It doesn’t help that I am terrified that I won’t be able to figure this all out on my own.

Posted in Left foot, right foot, repeat | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Road Ahead…

Well, it turns out we are going to have to move. My landlord was wrong with the information he had given me before and came back with we have until August 21st to move and he has until then to get things cleaned up around here, aka all of his piles of crap and cars. We can fill out an affidavit of temporary use by the 21st, but I must have the landlord fill out a good portion of the form and sign it but he has, as of yet, not agreed to do so. I plan on having on filled out to the best of my ability by the 21st and go from there. There is absolutely no way we could move out of here by then, unless, of course, one of those darn lottery tickets I keep buying decides I have won a ton of money. Then I would just move, almost anywhere, and hire someone to clean up the evidence of our existence here. ~sigh~ a girl can dream. It could happen.

To say I am frantic about this may just be a bit of an understatement. Marv the RV barely made it in here 3-1/2 years ago and my faith that he will make it out of here, be driven out of here, is less than optimal. Our travel trailer – well, it’s holding up for us but moving it is giving me some anxiety. Travel trailers aren’t designed to be lived in, at least not when they are over 40 years old, and tend to wear out from doing so. I have heard stories of people going to move their old trailer (and not so old) after having it sit for a bit and the thing has fallen apart in one way or another that made it useless and not worth salvaging. My fingers are crossed.

This brings me to another source of angst. If Marv the RV isn’t going to be usable, then we have nothing to haul our trailer with. Even if Marv can drive himself out of here, that does not mean he will pull the trailer again. I’m not sure the van would pull the trailer if it had a hitch. (Yes, the van is running pretty well. Just need to take it in to Ford so they can reprogram the PCM for $150, and then I believe I will have fixed it. Another thing I need to figure out.)

I’ve thrown up a few crowdfunding fundraisers – Fundly, Generosity, You Caring. It’s a hail mary act, but I don’t feel I’m in a position to rule out any potential options, at the moment. Cross your fingers for us, and feel free to donate. Every dollar helps with this process.

We have put the 98 Saturn on Craigslist. Lance really wanted to keep this car and replace the timing chain in it but life has come along to put that desire to rest. Hopefully, it sells quickly, though my faith in Craigslist has waned over the years. People can be such flakes. Or maybe they are just indecisive with all of their options on Craigslist. Who knows.

I’m waiting until after I have the PCM in the van reprogrammed to decide which of the rest of our fix it vehicles are going away. The Subaru still needs all of its work done. The Camry is coming into dire need of some suspension work itself. I think that one is a ball joint or two, not to mention shocks and struts. Whichever of the vehicles presents with the least amount of issues and money required to fix it is the one we will keep. Since we will be mobile, again, we only need one car until we land somewhere and settle in.

The weather here has been sooo hot!! For the past week, we have been hovering in the mid to upper 90’s. I can’t remember the last time it rained. I’m not complaining. I actually love the heat, but, with the wildfires going on in British Columbia, the state of Washington is covered in smoke, and some rain would help.

Since getting the water running, again, my gardens are extremely happier. It’s really great to see them greening up and reaching their potential of breath-taking beauty. I had a rose bush I thought I was losing. Now, it has thrown out new leaves and has a few little buds on it. Yay!

Well, I’d better get going on the whole ‘breaking down camp’ process. Have a great day, Everyone!!

Posted in Left foot, right foot, repeat | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

From There To…?

I had a friend suggest that I read all of my blog posts. Her thought was that it would be good to see what my perspective is now in comparison to what it was then, whenever that when was. I can see some value in doing that, so reading my old blog posts is what I have been doing. I still am not through them all, there are over 500 of them, but I have to admit that what doing this has made me feel is not at all what I thought it would bring.

I thought I would look back and find some strength, find lessons I couldn’t see at the time, perhaps laugh at myself some at the direness of some things and the lack of intensity on others, and probably find some of my posts worthy of deletion. So far, at about 200 posts in, the only thing I seem to be finding is that part of me wants to just delete the whole thing (dragonflygypsyusa) and start all over, again. The perpetual wheel of discontent and chaos with emotion is a bit much to read back through. So is the valiant efforts to try not to be so overwhelmed and emotional about this or that. I do not feel exceedingly real, though I can’t say that any of the posts were written from a false perspective.

What does this all mean? At this point, not a whole lot since I have not finished all the posts and definitely do not have a plan of action to work from. For now, things will stay as they are, though I have the feeling things are going to change. Looking back, so far, has given me the desire to do better, write more that keeps me going, find things that ignite my inner being to focus on, write less ‘here we go again’ stuff.

Should I just scrap this blog and start another one? Maybe. Will I find that, by the end of reading all the posts, that maybe I should just walk away from blogging? That I should put down the desire to write until I am more certain of my direction? I don’t know.

I seem to be going through some changes, internally. I don’t really know how to explain it, I think. The person I’ve been for a while now just doesn’t seem to fit me anymore, like a pair of jeans, favorite jeans, that just no longer fit, but you love them so much, they have been so comfortable for so long, nothing else fit like them, that you continue to wear them despite the fact that they are no longer comfortable. I guess I am feeling that who I’ve been no longer fits who I am becoming/am, developing into.


Posted in Left foot, right foot, repeat | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Great Medicine Week…

running water.jpg

What a week it has been! The guy that was supposed to come out to check out the property to make sure everything was ok, cleaned up, whatever, never showed up. It’s a little frustrating that he didn’t come, but things are rolling forward as normal so I can’t complain even a little bit. I don’t have to figure out how to move my family and where. Whew! Thank goodness!

We now have running water, again!! It was a long 6 months without it, buying bottled water in gallons (usually around 15 gallons every 4 -5 days), learning new ways to do things without running water, but we have it now and I can not begin to describe the level of joy this brings me. My gardens are at least as happy as I am, if not more so, though I’m finding it hard to believe that anyone or thing could be more excited about it than me.

I have been a water maven since the water was restored…watering the gardens, doing ALL of the dishes (I don’t want to talk about it), washing my car, with a list of other things I want to get done now that I have running water, again. Have I mentioned the level of joy it brings me?? Well, I think it stands to mention once more. I AM SO INCREDIBLY HAPPY ABOUT HAVING RUNNING WATER AGAIN THAT I THINK I MAY JUST EXPLODE!!

I entered a contest on Freelancer recently. It was a contest to come up with a creative name for a company that offers financial education through games, articles, etc. based in Australia. The prize is $60 Australian dollars. Well, it turns out I won. Woot!

It took me all of about 3 minutes to verify and submit my entry…it was just so obvious a choice for me. One of the things you had to do was make sure that the .com and were available for the name you submit. Both were available so I entered. I didn’t really think it would win, so I entered then left it alone. The contest holder had messaged me within 24 hours of my submission to let me know he was going to keep my idea on the short list. Cool, but I had looked at some of the top submissions and he had said similar things there. Whatever. He noticed, liked it, said so, awesome.

Then, yesterday, after realizing that my phone had decided to stop syncing my emails to my phone, I did a perusal of my email accounts to see if there was anything important that I had missed. Mostly spam, as expected, but then I noticed one from Freelancer saying something about a winning entry. I, of course, clicked immediately, trying to keep myself from getting excited because I had no idea if it was an email saying I had won or just one showing me who did. When I saw the email was telling me I had won, I couldn’t believe it. I went directly to Freelancer and signed the ‘hand over’ paperwork. Now, I wait for the winnings to be deposited into my account. Sure, it comes to about $45 US dollars, but $45 is $45, which I think is great money for about 3 minutes of work. Can you see my smile from there? It’s a big one.

So, what was my entry? The Coffee Can.

With what this company is offering on their website, financial smarts, the name just popped into my head. If you don’t know how the two things are connected, let me know in the comments and I’ll explain it. It’s pretty old style.

So, yeah, it has been a really great week. I wish I could say I found something to bring a steady stream of cash in, aka a job, but I haven’t. I’m entering more and more contests on Freelancer, but I can’t see just the contests being a full-time income. It’s more like something that would be bonus income if I were adding it to an actual income.

I’m giving more and more thought to writing that book, finally. Ok, I’ve been doing more than just thinking. I’ve sort of started a couple of ideas. My biggest road block, I think, is the fact that I have never done this before, have always been extremely shy about my writing, even when I was writing poems all the time when I was younger. Sure, people actually saw some of those before I shredded them all (yes, I do regret that now), but I didn’t have my whole self invested in them, either. They were just things that I wrote for reasons that escape me at this point, though I did receive very positive feedback from those that got to read them. I’ve thought about going back to poems, again, but…well, I don’t think I am that connected to my emotions anymore and they were definitely a driving force back then. Maybe. We shall see. I don’t know how to formally write poems, you know, the right meter and all that. I just write what’s going on in my heart. If I decide to walk down that road, again, I’ll be throwing the poems up on here for feedback.

Well, that’s it for me, right now. Have a great day, Everyone!!

Posted in Left foot, right foot, repeat | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Trying to Remember to Breathe…

Well, today is the day we find out if we are going to have to move. Why you ask? It’s a bit of a long story, but I’ll try to give you the cliff notes version as I continue to remind myself to breathe in and out…no holding my breath.

So, we have been living in this spot for almost 4 years now (it will be 4 years in October). It’s a nice little spot, next to a hangar on a private residential airstrip. Most of the hangar spots have houses, the one we are in does not. We are in an end spot, closest to the road.

Though this is not technically an RV space, our landlord had put in an RV sewage dump for the last person he had parked out here, so there are all the hook-ups here – water, electricity, and sewage, though we have not had running water since the end of December, sometime in January. We have installed a new pump once (well, like three times with the same new pump) but we still do not have water. Either the pump came bad from the factory or the control panel is bad. Not sure which at this point but the landlord assures us he now knows how to check to see if the control panel is the problem, so we wait. As frustrating and inconvenient as that is, we are muddling through it to the best of our ability, which means we have been buying bottled water in mass quantities for over 6 months now. Yes, I’m frustrated by this but the alternative is to try to find somewhere to move the gypsy camp to, which isn’t all that easy, especially since we really don’t have a way to move any of our dwellings, at the moment – as in no truck to haul the travel trailer, no 5th wheel set up, and not sure the RV we limped in here is going to start and/or move, again.

Anyway, our landlord is a bit of a pack rat (aka hoarder). He can no longer fly, so the one plane he has that looks like it would be flyable sits in the hangar, surrounded by a bunch of junk (some it is really cool, vintage junk). Around two sides of the hanger are about 30 or so cars, an old Hudson pickup, miscellaneous fodder. The cars have been there long enough to almost blend into the trees due to the amount of moss and growth on them. Most of them are complete, but there are many that are just part of the whole car – half a Dodge Omni here, a Volvo missing its door over there, windshields broken from branches falling over the years, the floaters (pontoons?) for a water plane, what looks like an old gas pump that’s been gutted, and the list goes on.  Anyway, you get the picture.

Since the day we moved in here, the landlord has said multiple times that he was going to clear all the junk out. Great! Let us know when you want to do that and we will do what we can to help. Obviously, this hasn’t happened. The hangar is also in a bit of disrepair – roofing edging boards rotten, falling down, lots of spots missing boards. I don’t think the landlord really cares much about this spot but it would be too overwhelming for him to have to go through and get rid of everything in order to potentially sell it. It’s a bit of a mess that I no longer really see because we have lived here long enough for it to become background noise. Well, someone from the airstrip turned him in, again, and now there is a guy coming out to take a look around. Our landlord had talked on the phone with the guy that’s coming out sometime last week or so, and this guy informed our landlord that he’s not allowed to have people living in RVs within county limits. Crap.

Am I in a panic?? Oh, I don’t think that is an adequate description of what I’m going through. Terror may be closer to the mark, though I am doing my best to not buy into it, trying to keep a positive state of mind and believe that everything will turn out just fine. Worse case scenario, hopefully, would be that we have 6 months to get our poop in a group and move. Of course, the best case scenario is obvious.

Despite trying to not buy into the terror that is coursing through me, that has my heart racing even when I’m trying not to think about it, I have gone into save our tooshes mode. What does that look like? Honestly, not pretty at all.

I started by trying to find spots for us to move the camp to. Not really any luck there. We would have two dwellings plus we have the three dogs. Not an easy set up to find a place to move to, which is why we tend to find a spot and try not to move for as long as possible. 3-4 years seems to be the limit, though, and we are unfortunately at the marker, though I am hoping that holds no bearing on the situation (Do you hear me Universe???).

Next, I moved on to attempting to find a drivable RV so we could at least be able to get our travel trailer out of here and still have enough living space for my son, my husband, our three dogs, two cats, and myself. I’ve found a couple that I think would work out well, might have to do a little bit of work to which isn’t a huge deal, but there isn’t funding for that. As for the RV we have here and the 5th wheel, I would gladly put them both on Craigslist and get whatever I could for them, or give them away for free to just have them dealt with and gone, but that means having something to move my son and his cat into first. Do you see the loop here? Can you see where my panic is coming from?

I’m heading into downtown Puyallup today to apply to be a delivery driver for Wesco Autobody Supply. Part of me feels like looking for a job when we may have to move and I have no idea where in the heck we are going to end up landing, which may turn out to be nowhere near where I end up working, is sort of pointless. If nothing else, it will bring in some funding. If I have to walk away later, then that is how that will go, but I must have something going asap in order to deal with what may come. If we don’t have to move, then I have an income coming in, which is always a great thing.

Lance is working up at his brother’s neighbor’s place today. The commercial roof job keeps getting pushed back for reasons unknown to me. Lance’s brother has been keeping him working, though, which is greatly appreciated.

Lance has started building a prototype for his yurt idea. It’s nice to see him actually doing something with his idea instead of just talking about it, drawing diagrams, doing the math, and jumping to steps he isn’t ready to take on, yet, like trying to find an investor. He still needs to write a business plan, something neither of us knows how to do, but I have started trying to teach myself about it. I have gotten Lance to agree that there is no way he can just pursue his yurt idea without working at the same time, too, which is good. He can see his idea so clearly it’s hard for him to not be able to just focus only on that, though he knows that isn’t optimal for keeping us afloat. Plus, he is going to need funding to do the things like a prototype and potentially help with writing a business plan, but he is finally moving forward a bit on it.

Lance has also decided that he wants to put an ad on Craigslist advertising himself as a yurt consultant. After having built one from scratch for us when we lived up in Tulalip and helping put together the one his brother built, he feels that he has a firm grasp on the making of yurts. I think so, too, as does his brother, who has pretty much said as much without actually saying so. That could turn into another income stream for him, maybe. I have no idea what kind of demand there is for that in the area, but I guess we shall find out.

Well, I have some errands to run so I’m going to go do that. Have a great day, Everyone, and keep your fingers crossed for us.

Posted in Left foot, right foot, repeat | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

How to Fund the Life I Want to Fund Me?

It’s Monday morning and I have work in 3 and a half hours. We have finished the in-room training and are now completely on the phones. Yeah, it’s a bit anxiety causing since this all still feels really new and I don’t feel I am completely prepared for this next level, but I’ve done OK so far so it shouldn’t be horrible, though this does not stop the angst of it.

The feedback I received from my trainer has been great, super positive, and that definitely helps some, but… Well, I have to admit that I really am not liking what I am doing. It’s not that it’s super taxing, other than the anxiety that I know will dissipate over time as I gain hands on experience, and it’s super easy work.  As I’ve said before, it’s definitely not my dream job. It’s an income, period, and not a great one. Not one that anyone could actually afford to pay rent with and still feed themselves AND pay any life-sustaining bills with, unless, of course, they lived in their car….or an RV. UGH

Anyway, I’m trying hard not to talk myself out of this job, if only to keep an income coming in. It won’t last like that, I know. I’m already finding about a gazillion different reasons on why I should be looking for a different job. Yeah, I think I need to at least look into something else. I have no plans of quitting without there being a replacement income first. But who really has time to look for other work when it feels like the current employment takes up all of the time? I’ll need to figure that out. I don’t think I should be dreading work on Monday at the start of the weekend, which seems to be how this is going.

So, what is it, exactly, that I’m not really liking about this job? I think a lot of it is just being completely out of my comfort zone. Yeah, I know. Not a good reason to give up on a job. With time it would become more comfortable and I’m sure I’d be really great at it (at least my trainer thinks so), and there is that whole room for advancement thing. I guess part of me keeps looking at the pay thing, what it looks like now and what it would look like with advancement, and there is absolutely no way I will ever make anywhere near what I used to make. Yes, there is consistency, which sort of makes up for the severe pay difference, and the ability to have health insurance benefits, which I’ve heard are not super expensive, something completely new to me.

I think this comes down to this is completely soulless work, nothing that feeds my soul in any way. There is also the fact that my dogs are spending about 10 hours a day alone, which is not great for them. My husband and I are also not spending hardly any time together, which I am finding irritates me a whole lot. I’m not saying we need to be joined at the hip or anything like that, though that seems to be how things have worked out for us over the past 11-1/2 years. It has been great for us to have the time apart, to do things on our own individually, to have the chance to miss each other, but only getting about an hour and a half together each night before going to sleep just doesn’t feel balanced at all. It is also costing my husband to miss out on some much-needed sleep in order for us to even have that much time together. If he went to bed when he should, we would have no time together – he’d be asleep when I got home from work.

I wish I felt more upbeat about this job. I know I was grateful that they could recycle me into a different training class when we had both cars go down, and that hasn’t changed. I’m grateful for the job, I just feel I can do better, find something that works better for my family and me, something that might even feed my soul at the same time. Is that being ungrateful? I don’t know.

I guess it’s time to start using my morning time, the time I use to try to rejuvenate to face the next round of calls, my time in the morning with the dogs, to start figuring this out, before I reach the point where I work myself into a fit and just walk away, which I have to admit doesn’t feel that far away. Who am I kidding? I already feel that way. I have had to talk myself into going to work pretty much every day for at least a week, now.

Is it normal to feel this way about a ‘normal’ job? Do most people just trudge through their work days completely unsatisfied, uninspired, robotically? If so, how on Earth do you do that and not end up feeling…well, suicidal? I guess there have been some serious personal benefits to the way I have been working throughout my adult life that I may have been taking for granted. Maybe not for granted. I just never have figured out how to have those personal benefits as a consistent part of my life and still be able to financially move forward. I know there is a way, more than one way, to make that happen. I wish I could figure that out and fast. Actually, I don’t understand why I have not been able to figure that out already. Lord knows I have had plenty of time to do so. I guess I need guidance, but I don’t know where I get this type of guidance from.

I’ve considered turning this blog into something more than it is. You know, buy the domain name, get it to rate better on search engines (which buying the domain name alone could do that), monetize it with affiliate links, learn how to guest blog and potentially get paid for it, etc. I’ve looked at a whole lot of information on how that is supposed to work out, what you ‘need’ to do, but I don’t know if this blog is good enough to carry itself that way and, at the moment, am not sure how I would fund it.

I’ve also looked into dog training school, as I’ve mentioned before, but I run into the whole how to afford it part, again. Writing a book? Again, is my writing good enough for that? This would also have its own monetary issues along with time factors, and the whole throwing it to the Universe with a hope and a prayer that the book would be successful enough to turn writing into a career that supports my family. Photography – same needs and risks – money, time, uncertainty. These are the things I would like to do the most, along with traveling while taking photos and writing about it, with my dogs (and husband!), of course. Perhaps I’m being completely unrealistic, being juvenile with my dreams and desires. Or, maybe, just maybe, I just need to figure out how to fund the life I want so that it, in turn, can fund me.


Posted in Left foot, right foot, repeat | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Finding My Judgment Untrustworthy…

Here I am, thinking about things – life, work, breathing – and feeling like I just really don’t have anything figured out at all. Though I am grateful for the job, I am beginning to think that, perhaps, this was not the right move for me. Life, well, is life, as usual, and I just get the feeling that I don’t really have that down at all, either. The same things keep happening to knock me off my feet whenever I feel like I’m just about ready to take a few test steps. Breathing? Ha! In with the good air, out with the bad is the mantra, but I find myself holding my breath more than recycling it.  – sigh –

I can’t say there is anything in particular at work that is causing me to feel this has been an error in judgment. It’s definitely not my dream job, the pay is…well, at least I’m making money, and sure, there is the opportunity for advancement, at some point, but…I’m finding it harder and harder to make myself leave for work in the mornings and spend a good portion of my breaks and lunch encouraging myself to stay. I really don’t think its supposed to be this way, but what would I know. I’ve never really worked this type of job, an 8 hour, scheduled shift, with supervisors and stuff. Though I keep telling myself it’s an adjustment that is going to take time, I’m increasingly more miserable. I guess I’m feeling like its time to sit down and really assess my life, as it sits right now, and make some decisions.

Yes, I have complained about the inconsistencies in my lie, the unreliability of income, the “wth” moments that knock my feet out from under me and the seeming lack of resources to deal with these when they come, but I’m not sure I’ve made the right decision(s) to change things. Sure, my job is consistent, reliable, and all that, but…I’m really miserable. I want nothing more than to be able to stay home with my dogs and…

It’s that whole ‘what do I do’ part that is really messing with me. I’ve been telling myself, ‘You say you want to be a writer, so BE A WRITER! Stop f-ing around. Fear? HA! How can you have fear about writing, submitting your writing to a publisher, once you have something put together, when you have faced so much that spun you, made you feel like there was no way to come out of whatever situation alright, that you haven’t figured out? Stop procrastinating!!!’ Yet, here I sit, four hours before work starts, still trying to figure out how I stop feeling so miserable in my life as it is right now. What is wrong with me?!

Fear. Yep, fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of failing, I’m pretty sure there is some fear of succeeding in there, too, fear of… Fear of being all in only to find out that I have bet on the losing horse thinking it was the hidden gem. I really hate that I over think things so much. I just want to be as fearless I perceive so many other to be. Yeah, I tend to make myself the sole slacker in the whole world, despite knowing this is not true. There are plenty others out there. Right, right…not the slacker, just stuck in a rut, stuck in my head in not a good way, defeater of my own self. Ugh.

That’s the crux of it right there – ‘defeater of my own self.’ I’m amazing at throwing up my own roadblocks, whether I do them intentionally or not, with thought or not. Which leads me to wonder if that is why I am feeling so miserable with work, life, etc., at the moment. Am I sabotaging things? Or am I truly recognizing I should be doing something else? I truly do not know the answer. I’ve made so many mistakes when I was certain I was doing the right thing, and have regretted so many things when I have not listened to The Committee screams that what I was doing to ‘achieve the highest benefit despite lack of desire’ was not going to be ‘the right thing’ in the end.

I truly do not know the answer. I’ve made so many mistakes when I was certain I was doing the right thing, and have regretted so many things when I have not listened to The Committee’s screams that what I was doing to ‘achieve the highest benefit despite lack of desire’ was not going to be ‘the right thing’ in the end. How does one trust their own judgment when its been completely wrong so many times?

I’ve actually started writing a couple of stories. I’m not far into either of them, but they are started. My biggest obstacle to moving forward, I think, is letting myself write a crappy first draft. I have such perfectionist ideas in place that its really hard to just let them go, understanding that perfectionism is an unrealistic idea, and that, once I get the whole story out, on metaphorical paper, I can edit as I see fit. Or perhaps, it would be better to have someone else edit for me. I can see myself getting stuck in that mode, striving for absolutely perfect, never seeing if it’s even close to it. At least I’ve started something, though. The first step to it. Now, to write to completion of that SFD (shitty first draft).

So, yeah, I’m a bit confused about what to do, at the moment, which means I’ll probably end up doing one of two things – talk myself out of the job without having a backup income or continue on with this hoping it will be more than I believe it has the ability to be. I think I need some outside help with this one, though I’m not sure where to get that. If I was still in counseling, I would probably talk it out there, but I’m not, nor do I see that happening anytime soon.

I picked up a ’99 Subaru Outback, yesterday. It runs like a champ, though it has some issues with the passenger side suspension. I’m pretty sure I need to replace the front caliper on that side and, in the rear, I think the arm is a little bent. I’ll figure it out. It also burns oil, I have discovered. Not sure what to do about that one, but, again, I’ll figure it out. At least I can take the freeway to work, which will shorten my commute time. Onward and upward, right?

Posted in Left foot, right foot, repeat | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Death Strikes Again…

Well, it’s been great to be back at work, especially after thinking I didn’t have the job anymore. I had the meltdown I knew would come this past Friday. I had felt it coming on Thursday and was just trying to make it until the weekend. Unfortunately, Friday morning, the tears came in the middle of training class and I just couldn’t make them stop. How embarrassing. It’s over though and my supervisor was very understanding once we had talked.

Last night, as Lance and I were falling asleep, Lance got a call from a good friend of ours. A very dear friend of ours died over the weekend of medication complications. I am heartbroken. This woman was such a beautiful soul and the high priestess at our handfasting. I am an emotional traffic jam at the moment, though I think I’ll be able to maintain through the work day, but…shock, complete and utter shock.

It’s so weird to have friends die. It definitely puts you in touch with your own mortality. At least, it has reconnected me with my own. To think I spent a whole lot of my life feeling like mortality was just an unverified rumor, taking so many chances with my life, my health…it really hits home just how careless I have been. How does one process the loss of someone who shone so brightly? Who touched the heart of every last person they met? I think this is one that will take a bit to process.

I haven’t cried over the death of my friend, yet, though my heart hurts. I think this is maybe due to the amount of deaths and traumas I’ve experienced over the last 8 years and the habit I’ve gotten into of just shoving that stuff aside in order to keep moving forward or to allow those with the greater need to grieve to have the space to do so. My friend keeps running through my mind on and off today though, and this is a good thing, I know. Also the memories of others that were connected to her and their interactions that I was privileged to witness. I’m grateful for the memories and for the time that I was honored with the presence of her soul in my life.

Dear Readers, never take for granted that those you love will always be there. You never know when they won’t be. This is why I do my best to make sure that, every time I leave someone after spending time with them, I tell them I love them. I don’t ever want that to be something I look back at with regret.


Posted in Left foot, right foot, repeat | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment