A New Path…

Apparently, I am in a once a month writing mode. It could be worse. Again, wish I could say that I have been writing my little heart out, creating that book, writing articles, whatever, but, again, I haven’t been doing that at all. What is my main aversion to writing these days? I have no idea other than feeling overwhelmed by the day-to-day stuff. The laptop goes into the cupboard since it is so damn cold here lately and promptly gets forgotten about. Ok. Not forgotten about, just not something that comes to mind all that often. The times I have pulled out my laptop have not been for writing or anything related to it. sigh I guess it is what it is. I am writing right now and I guess that is better than nothing.

I gave two-week notice to the woman I have been working for. She immediately counter offered a pay raise and asked me if I want to handle the interviews for new applicants for the position and train them, paid for both of those. I can do that. So far, there was one woman who was supposed to meet me at a clean for a working interview but she never showed. We shall see how this goes.

So, my back has been getting worse. It seems to take less and less for it to start making it difficult to move without intense pain. I have stated about a million times by now that I need to find work that is not labor intensive. The downside, major downside, to this is that everything I know how to do is labor intensive in one fashion or another. Finding work outside of the industries I have experience and skills in looks a whole lot like a huge pay cut. That doesn’t feel productive. I know it would grow back up with time but…well, I’m not sure how many more blows to my pride I can take before I start to lose a sense of me. No worries. I have a solution.


I went to Tacoma Community College last week to see what programs they offer that take one year or less. This ended me up at the WorkForce building across from the Admissions building. WorkForce specializes in worker retraining, WorkForce, the Opportunity Grant, and Bfet programs. Basically, they help you train, retrain, and/or go to/back to school to find a career, get into a new one, and they fund it or help you find funding to do so. I attended their workshop, talked with the ‘navigator’ they assigned me to, then took all the info I had gathered and let it stew for a couple of days.

Originally, I wanted to take Tacoma Community College’s Medical Diagnostic Sonographer/Ultrasound Tech program, a two-year degree program. Honestly, I still do want to get that degree but I think I have put together a great game plan for getting there. A stepping stone program that will give me some of what I will need for the Sonographer course, give me skills I can utilize to bring an income in while going to school and will cost me nothing but time. Sure, it’s going to take more time to get to that end goal, but I think it will go more smoothly and be worth the added time. So, what is this stepping stone program? Medical Scribe.

The course is about 3 quarters long, but, with the classes I’ve already taken while getting my Criminal Justice degree, it’s looking like the Medical Scribe course may only take me 2 quarters, which would be awesome. Starting national average median salary for Medical Scribe? Almost $27000. Yes, less than what I had gotten used to but still not bad and completely enough to stay alive on, especially if my husband is working too. I have an appointment tomorrow with the person that runs the class to finish getting everything set up.

After the WorkForce workshop last week, I went to the job search sites that I had already signed up with and changed my search to Medical Scribe jobs, just to see what might be available in the area and common salary amounts. So far, everything that has come in has left me feeling pretty good about taking this path.

One of the things I like about both the Medical Scribe program and the Medical Diagnostic Sonographer course is that they are not labor intensive but also not a desk job. I would still be moving around, not stuck in a cubicle. That really is key for me I think. The very idea of being in a sedentary job depresses me.

So, yeah, that’s the plan. Keep your fingers crossed for me that all turns out well and the college and I are capable of getting everything put together, along with the funding package, by the end of the day tomorrow, the funding deadline for Winter quarter.

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Update, Done…

Wow. Look at that. A whole month since I have written anything on here. I have no idea where the time has gone, but it has. I would like to say I have been writing in other mediums, but I haven’t. I haven’t been writing at all.

I guess its time for an update on all that is my gypsy camp. We are still in the same spot, though it is becoming harder and harder to be here since it is made known often that we need to move. Have we found somewhere else to move to? No. Three big dogs is a huge deterrent, apparently. Also, the amount of money we would need to just secure a spot is more, way more, than we can manage at this time.

I found a job. I don’t remember if I mentioned that last month. Anyway, its house cleaning, $15 an hour (ouch), local. The company has a work van for me to drive to my jobs, which is good. Granted, it’s an old style caravan with not much life left in it. It’s something.

This job is not going to last. The hours I am working will never even begin to generate enough income to barely stay alive, not to mention assist in making the move. One week I will work 19 hours, the next 10, followed by a week with 12 hours. One week was only 8 hours. This is not working. I have started applying to other places to work, though it is hurting more and more every day to continue this type of work. The fact is it is what I know how to do and am very good at it. To try to change industries would mean making even less than I already am. I can’t do that.

I took this job with the understanding that the hours would not be much, AT FIRST. The woman who owns this business has said that she would be adding more clients, making it one of her main focuses. This hasn’t happened. In fact, she has focused so much on the rest of her business that she has added no new clients and, due to death and/or moving, the cleaning client base has even gotten a bit smaller. On top of this, she is now wanting me to take over confirming with the clients the cleans she puts on my schedule. More responsibilities without an increase in pay. This is not working out at all.

Lance has managed to stay mostly busy over the past year with work, bringing in money to help us continue making progress in move preparations, staying alive, keeping up/catching up on bills. Over the last month or so, his working has gotten quite a bit sporadic with the clients blowing off getting materials for the job. We are both feeling rather defeated at the moment.

The Freestar is running, not well, but running enough to get me to work and back, which at least there is that. The Camry is running like a champ for Lance. The Saturn…well, I’m about to push it out to the curb for $300 and see what I get for it. I’ve replaced fuses, CPS (crankshaft position sensor), starter, coil pack, and it still won’t start. I’m at a loss as to where to go from here on it. I am going to make sure the battery is fully charged then put the SyncUp device we bought from T-mobile to see if it the car throws a code while trying to start it. I’ve been driving around with this device in the van hoping it would help decipher what is going on with it but nothing so far despite how horribly it is running.

The T-mobile SyncUp device allows you to keep track of your miles, set speeding alerts, works as a mobile hotspot in the vehicle, and is supposed to report any diagnostic trouble codes the vehicle’s engine might be going through.  Now, the diagnostic trouble codes part of this is not the codes that are readable with your standard OBD-2 reader and that you can go to most part stores and have read for free. These are to codes that you pay the mechanic $80 – $125 or more to hook up his special diagnostic tools.

My thought with getting this device was that I am at the point where I want to take the van to a mechanic for this exact reason. We drive a lot of older cars with tons of miles on them and this could be a handy device to have for the different problems we run into with our vehicles. There was also a promotion going on for the device at the time. It just sounded like a way to keep moving forward with our vehicles without having to pay the price for a mechanic to hook up his diagnostic tools.

We were in T-mobile because Lance’s phone had stopped working. After the person at T-mobile inspected Lance’s phone, he said the best thing to do would be to do a warranty exchange, which would only cost us $5. Perfect. The replacement phone would be in in a couple of days. Unfortunately, between leaving that store then and the day the replacement phone came in, somehow Lance’s display module broke on the phone. According to T-mobile, the only time that could happen on Lance’s phone was if the battery was out. Two different T-mobile reps removed the battery to inspect the phone for the exchange. The first one said it was eligible for warranty exchange. The second one is the one that said the display module was broken. Now, Lance is using his old LG G4 with all of the issues it was having before which caused us to replace it a year ago. Frustrating.

I’m at a point where I am feeling like it doesn’t matter how much I struggle, fight, whatever to try to keep us going, to try to get this move to happening instead of sitting dead in the water due to lack of funding despite running as hard as I can at it. It all seems pointless. I’m wondering why I even try.

I have spent so much of the last couple of years trying to clear up my credit and being successful at doing so, for the most part. My credit score has gone up and down a 100 point range multiple times based on what income was coming in when. It’s frustrating to watch, exhilarating when the score goes up, shaming when it goes down and changes absolutely nothing in my world.

I have no idea what is going on with my fundraisers. I haven’t received any notifications of new donations so my guess is nothing at all is happening. Whatever. I’m done asking people for help. Despite being told that when you need help you should just ask and people are always willing to help. I have come to realize that is a bold-faced lie, at least when it comes to my world. The people who are willing to help are few and far between, even when it comes to something as simple and non-demanding as finding resources to help myself. When it comes right down to it, we are in this alone.

I feel like saying screw it. Stop paying bills, making credit card payments, all of it. Why bother? Being responsible isn’t fixing our situation and, in some ways, makes it worse. File bankruptcy, disappear, see what happens. Become homeless, walk away from the travel trailer, RV, 5th wheel, live in a tent with my dogs and husband and son. Try to sustain life by eating berries, bark, grass, leaves, whatever. Dig holes to poop in, never shower again, probably die within the next 10 years. It appears I am headed that way anyway so why not just expedite it and run into now? I have no more ideas, no more solutions. There is nothing left and I am done.


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Saturn, Freestar Day, Upcoming Emotional Relief…

I’ve given the Center of the Sun tattoo a lot more thought. I want it, I really do, but I honestly can’t justify putting any money toward it. We have things we must take care of and then there is the direction I’m trying to point us in – owning our own spot to park our gypsy camp and hopefully turn into a home. These are priorities and taking money from that to get a non-life defining ‘want’ is self-sabotage, plain and simple. Ugh. Adulting is such a chore sometimes.

Today is ‘Mieke the Mechanic’ day. My goals are to get the Saturn running, again, and do a transmission service on the Freestar. The Saturn has been sitting since it died going down the freeway. I’ve done a few things to it, nothing major – check all the fuses, changed the inline battery fuse (was blown), checked to see if the CPS was properly seated (not super easy to do on this one since it is hidden behind the starter, not sure if properly seated but feels like it), charged the battery up and had it tested (probably should pick up a new one but this one tested out ok), tried compression starting it, talked with anyone I could that I thought might have some knowledge, and it’s still not running. Hoping that changes before the day is over.


I’ve been driving the Freestar. Nowhere far, just work and back, mostly, laundry, groceries. I had the PCM reprogrammed and it didn’t fix the problems, though it may have been running better. I think maybe that was wishful thinking since I had spent the $150 to have it done and really, really want this van to run right. I’m not sure what it is about the Freestar, but I like it, a lot. I don’t usually keep cars that are giving me this hard of a time but, for some reason, I just can’t seem to completely give up on this van.

Anyway, its been running really rough with its usual times of smooth sailing. The last couple of days, it has been worse than normal and yesterday, at the end of the day, it stopped having good times. I’m going to drop the tranny pan, replace the filter, strain the fluid for little bits to throw back in, and fill with new fluid with the addition of Lucas Transmission Fluid Conditioner. I think the Lucas will help since the transmission has been having a hard time and the ‘leak’ that has been happening from the wiper cowl when it rains has added moisture inside it. Ford knows this is a problem, yet still has not put a recall on the vehicle, despite doing so with their previous models with the exact same issues. Frustrating but onward we go.

I’m trying to decide if I want to just clean the plugs or change them. The misfire that has been happening, that the PCM reprogram was supposed to take care of, has definitely fouled the plugs and I’m thinking I may just want to replace them. I think I’ll go ahead and pick the new plugs up so I have them. I may get in there and decide it’s the best move to just replace them. I wonder about the plug wires, too, but this will exceed the budget at this time.

If the tranny service and plugs don’t fix these problems, I’m thinking the van may need a new PCM. I’d really like to put the van in the shop for a diagnostic but…well, funding. I’ll figure out how to make that happen if the work I do this weekend doesn’t make things better. Hopefully, it doesn’t make things worse, which is why I want to get the Saturn going first. I want to know I have a backup vehicle if things go drastically wrong and the van is out of commission for a bit, if not entirely.

The Camry needs its own work (possibly wheel bearings, possibly u-joint, possibly ??? – it’s moderately disturbing to me as it goes down the road, as I’m feeling something ratchety, something just not right at all) and I want to make sure neither of us is without a vehicle since we both are bringing money in these days. Once we are both in more solid vehicle positions and the Camry is parked, I may do a little bit of work to it so I can sell it. Part of me wonders if maybe I should go ahead and just fix the Camry and have that sitting as the backup vehicle. I’ll make that decision later after I have a firmer grasp on what’s going on with the Saturn and Freestar.

My new job is ok. The hours haven’t been great but something is better than nothing. Though some great hours means better incoming cash, I have to admit that I’m not too upset about the lack of hours. Though its house cleaning I’m doing instead of move out cleaning, I still really don’t want to be cleaning. I think I have burnt myself out on the whole thing, honestly. If I could just convince myself to finally write that damn book, or article, or whatever and make writing into a career, stopping being so afraid, then I would have that as a potential option. My step-dad says ‘what do you have to lose?’ Financially? Not a thing. Emotionally? Everything, and that is where the problem comes in. I want it and to have it come down to not an option instead of a potential option, it would be crushing to me, and I’m not sure how much more emotional deadening I can take before I stop caring about anything, stop dreaming.

Speaking of that, my doctor’s appointment is this week, finally. Antidepressant, here I come. It’ll be nice having a bit of backup in the emotional end of things. I’ve been having a lot of really good days, but, in between those, I have some really dark days, ones where nothing gets done. I’m completely stuck in my head, beating myself repeatedly with any and all mistakes over this lifetime, feeling inadequate, unwanted, unneeded, unnecessary, and wondering if I was truly meant to be at all. Those days are the hardest. Those days I get through by talking myself through every minute of it, not allowing my thoughts to linger on any one thing too long so it can not lead to me wondering if I’m fighting this life battle for no reason at all. Suicide does cross my mind. I know what it is. I also know, for me, if I acknowledge when I’m feeling that way (Ok. Yeah, I’m feeling suicidal today. This is going to be a really challenging day but I’ll make it through it.), it takes some of the power out of it. Once the antidepressant gets settled in my system, those days will not be quite so challenging.

Lance’s brother is finally back from France – yay!! There is a breathwork gathering tomorrow and I am sooo excited! The breathwork seems to help a lot with the depression and my anxiety, too. I’ve been feeling like I’ve needed a breathwork session for a bit now so I’m extremely grateful that is happening tomorrow. A little reprieve from the mental chaos and some strength to keep moving forward another day.

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Heading Toward the Center of the Sun…

Lance is liking his new job and it seems to be going along just fine. I think the guy he is working for likes him, too, which, of course, is a really good thing. Knowing we have that income coming in is a real stress reliever, especially with a pending move and all in our future.

I am…ok with my new job. I’d love to say I’m thrilled with it, but its cleaning and I think I’ve established on here that I no longer have any desire whatsoever to clean for a living anymore. The owner of the company is nice and we have quite a few things in common. She seems pretty easy to work for, so that is a good thing, but I have to admit I find myself in the middle of a clean wondering what the hell I was thinking taking this job cleaning. Yeah, I think I’ve burned myself out on the whole cleaning thing. At least I have an income and, since I tend to be a stayer in most things, I’m sure I’ll end up hanging on to this house cleaning job unless something else comes up that is at least the same amount of money and isn’t cleaning.

Yeah, I think I’ve burned myself out on the whole cleaning thing. At least I have an income and, since I tend to be a stayer in most things, I’m sure I’ll end up hanging on to this house cleaning job unless something else comes up that is at least the same amount of money and isn’t cleaning. I’m not actively looking, but I wonder if I should be. Here’s why:

I had two cleans yesterday, both 3 hours, and by the time I had made it about halfway through my second clean, my wrists and hands were hurting. After relaxing for a while with Lance last night, pretty much everything from the waist up to the top of my neck was hurting. Ugh. My age seems to be reminding me a lot, lately, that I am not as young as I used to be and I have not been very nice to my body along the way. This morning, my legs joined in the aching with the rest of me and I’m really feeling like there just has to be a better way to bring in money than hurting myself every day, along with being around all of the cleaning chemicals. Again, at least I have an income. Now, if I could just figure out how to make really good money not killing myself. *sigh* I feel so stuck in this and am totally open to suggestions since my best thinking is sending back something along the lines of a dial tone.

I’m really wanting a new tattoo. I know part of that is because of the all the things in our life that are requiring immediate attention. At one point in my life, getting a tattoo was a way to relieve a little stress and attempt to keep myself from dealing with things in not so healthy ways, i.e. not deal with them at all. Now, I get them just because I love them.

A tattoo idea really has to resonate with me. The tattoo I want now is a verse from the song Center of the Sun by Conjure One: “I cannot be hurt by anything this wicked world has done.” I find some strength from the verse, the whole song, actually, but the verse really hits me. So much has gone on in my life, I’ve dealt with some real nasties in a lot of different areas of life, and, unfortunately, I’ve picked up that crap and carried it with me through life.

People say they have baggage. I tend to say that I have a semi-trailer that follows me around with all of my baggage in it. Sometimes, it feels like I have that much, and other times it feels like maybe I’ve cleared some room in that trailer. Anyway, the verse hit me like a brick the first time I heard it and reminded me that I can choose how I react to ‘this wicked world,’ and all that it has done/does. Get out of the habit of automatic response, something I have been working on a lot, lately, with varied success. Learning something new is definitely a process, and I think to learn a new way of thinking, reacting, is even more challenging. This is where the tattoo comes in – a permanent reminder that I am strong and there is nothing in this world that can keep me down except my own allowing of it.

Now, where to put it. I’m thinking on my right inner forearm – easy to see the reminder. I had thought the back of my leg, either thigh or calf, but that’s not a great place for me to see it, just others, and, as usual, my tattoos don’t end up on my body for other people. The only one I have that is close to that is my wedding band around my right bicep. My husband has the same one on his left bicep. He designed and drew it. That tattoo is for us, our marriage. Yeah, my right inner forearm sounds right. I’d say my left, but there is not enough room there, I think, with my other tattoos.

As you can see, this is still in the planning and thought process. Maybe a Christmas present to myself this year. Two and a half months sounds like a good length of time to think about a tattoo. Permanent decisions require a good amount of thought since they can’t be taken back.

Anyway, that’s about it for now. I guess I’m just wanting to write. I usually have all these splendid ideas right before I open my laptop and start writing, at which point they hide in the deepest recesses of my mind. I’m thinking part of that is because I have not been diligent in my writing, on here or otherwise. I’m not writing every day and can’t seem to get myself in that mode. I’ll write for a couple of days in a row, mostly journal-type writing on a document on Drive, then the next thing I know, a few days have passed and I haven’t written at all, despite the desire and intent to do so. Yeah, bad head space, I think. Or, maybe I just haven’t gotten myself back into that disciplined spot, yet. I’m a little frustrated about it.

Alright. That’s it from me today. Until next time…

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Trudging Through Limbo…

Preparations for the move continue on, though we still don’t have a move by date. As much as I hate being in limbo on pretty much anything, I have to admit not being given a date, yet, in some ways, almost feels like a relief. There is the feeling that the urgency may have gone away, as in the county is too busy with a whole lot of things to keep on top of this one. Still, I labor on with the chore of getting us prepared to move.

One of my fundraisers finally received a donation (Thanks, E!)!! $25 but that is a start and way better than $0. As I said before, we only need 500 people to be willing to part with $20 each to reach our goal. Now, 499 people. I also received a donation to our cause from a close friend through the mail. 498 people.

The work Lance had been doing for his brother has pretty much dried up. His brother has left the country on vacation, so if there is work he is wanting to be done, that is all on hold. No problem. Lance found a job the day before yesterday, making the same money, that should last a couple of months. YAY!

Lance had also talked with a guy about selling solar. This would be somewhat of a dream job for Lance since he is so interested in alternative energies. I am, too, but nowhere near the extent that Lance is. The guy has had to reschedule getting together with Lance until sometime next week. It sounds like getting that rolling could take a minute, possibly be a bit slow going at first, so it is good that Lance has found this other job for a couple of months. I think the couple of months job doing some remodeling will help provide some much-needed stress relief and allow Lance to still be making some money will getting the solar panel sales going. I don’t have all the details about the solar sales, yet, since Lance and this guy (William, I think) have not had a chance to sit down together and talk specific details. At this point, it sounds like something that could really work out great for Lance, for us, and allow Lance to do something that isn’t hurting him physically every day. My fingers are crossed on the solar sales job.

I found a job yesterday. Actually, the day before, but I didn’t actually GET the job until yesterday. It’s cleaning, of course, but for someone different from before and local. It sounds like this is going to be more of a residential type cleaning gig than move-out, with move-out cleans to be filtered in. I’m not super happy about pay, but it’s not too horrible either. The big bonuses? All cleaning supplies are provided along with a van to drive to cleans. Those two things alone make the pay a lot easier to swallow. I am doing my first clean for this company with another team member today. So, we have two incomes, again. Whew.

I’ve been isolating a lot. Yes, there is the move stuff that has me pretty pre-occupied, stuck at home, but that usually doesn’t keep me from chatting with my best friend every day. I haven’t been even doing that. My phone rings and just the sound of it ringing is annoying. “Who is bugging me now?” is usually the thought. I really have no desire to communicate with anyone much at all. A whole lot of me knows that this is partially all part of the move stress, but it feels like so much more than that.

My depression is in full swing, leaving me stuck in the humdrum and numb state which drives me crazy. I made an appointment to get on an antidepressant but the soonest they could get me in is October 19th. That seems like an insanely long time to have to wait to get on an antidepressant. I have decided if it gets too much, I will go sit in the waiting room at the MultiCare clinic until they can see me. Until then, white knuckling it. Breathe in, breathe out.

I finally have a deposition date for the moving truck accident over two years ago: October 17th. Though I’m happy to finally have this moving forward, I can’t say that I see the moving company actually paying in the end. They have proven to have very little integrity so far. I hope I’m wrong, though. At any rate, closer to the end of this.

I can’t remember if I mentioned that Lance and I have started practicing Holotropic Breathwork. Lance’s brother, Travis, has been hosting them in the yurt Lance helped him build. Lance had mentioned one of the gatherings Travis was having and it was clear that he wanted to go but wanted me to go, as well. I had made myself take a ‘putting it all down’ weekend right before this so I decided ‘why not?’ It turned out pretty amazing. We have since gone up to do the breathwork two more times. I have, of course, researched the topic to no end.

The breathwork has opened up…a pathway of sorts. A lot of things I have held in belief of myself, or of life, people, things have come up for review or just plain presented themselves then immediately dissipated, as in no longer there. It also has made it really difficult to get out of my head. Ok. That’s probably just a coincidence, mostly. I know slipping into meditation is a whole lot easier and quicker than it used to be, and I seem to be letting go of a whole lot of the clutter up there. This does not mean I have clearer thoughts these days, just less issued thought, perhaps. Whatever, I am definitely interested in doing a lot more breathwork, at different venues hosted by other people, as well. If you don’t know what Holotropic Breathwork is, here is a link for more information: Holotropic Breathwork.

Well, I have things to do before my clean today. Have a great day, Everyone!

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Thinking, Wondering, Noticing, Trying to Understand…

Why is it that the more you try to get ahead, the more you run into people places and things that attempt to get in your way? I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t really tell anyone anything anymore. Why would I? Mostly, I get the response of whatever it is is not a good idea, will never work, doubt doubt doubt, negativity negativity negativity. It doesn’t seem to matter what the idea is, it’s pretty much always met with naysayers in mass. I don’t get it.

I seem to fall in a category different from those that I know. When someone I know has an idea, they are backed. When they need help, people are swarming to help out. Me, in the same situations, is given the no’s, not a good idea, that sucks, wish I could help, or just plain ignored. I don’t understand. What is it about me that, when I need help, everyone abandons ship?

Ok. That isn’t completely true. I have a couple of friends that have really stepped up when I have needed it. Some of my family of origin have stepped up. My in-laws have. My brother-in-law has. But, for the majority, when I am in need help, even with something as simple as moving from one house to another, my world becomes a ghost town with only the memories of those that were there, once upon a time, and the sound of crickets.

As we are growing up, we are told to ask for help when we need it. For me, this implies that asking for help is met with, well, help. This has not been my own personal experience. I’ve seen it happen consistently for so many but not so much for me and I have to admit that it leaves me wondering what is wrong with me? Why are people so willing to help others but not me? Am I undeserving of receiving help when I need it? Or am I only allowed to ask for help with certain things, like information?

I always try to help people out as much as I can. This doesn’t always mean that I want to, but I know what it is like to need help and not find it. Does this mean I just have the wrong people in my life? Maybe. I guess I don’t really know and, since this is something that has been lifelong, I am doubting this is the only reason. Not everyone in my life can be someone who shouldn’t be, could they?

Yes, I know this sounds a bit like a whiny pity party, and maybe it is a little bit, but mostly I’m just trying to figure out why it is that I am unworthy of the same treatment I see others receive. I already don’t seem to fit in pretty much anywhere, or at least not for long, and this just seems to enlarge that feeling. What makes people look at me so differently?

My mom has said many times that I always land on my feet, and I guess that is mostly true, but what isn’t mentioned is that so many times I end up landing on broken feet in a pile of shit. Yes, I’ve landed, I’m upright, but there is no way I can maintain that for long – broken feet don’t hold much for long – and everyone seems to ignore the pile of shit I’ve landed in. If you land in shit, does it still count as a successful landing? Does it imply that help is no longer needed?

I’ve always been a pretty fiercely independent person, wanting to do things on my own, to a fault I’m afraid. I’m horrible at maintaining relationships. I’ve been living the life of a poor person for longer than I care to think about. Perhaps these are the reasons people disappear when I need help.

There are so many stories of someone being in a really bad spot, needing help desperately, throwing a blanket call for help without any expectation of it being met, and having not only people come and help but have people show up and do way more than was needed, life changing more. I guess I put some serious stock in these stories because, when I am needing help, desperate help, I throw out the blanket call, hoping at least someone will be willing to help out to the best of their ability, and end up with no response, crickets. (Well, there was that one time when we were stuck in Idaho. One of my friends rescued us in such a thorough way, I was speechless and grateful beyond reason. There is nothing I won’t do for her.)

Here’s an example. I have a few crowdfunding fundraisers going to try to get some help with our current ‘have to move, somewhere, somehow’ issue we have going on. I have asked for $10000, with the thought that we could buy a small piece of land, probably without utilities, to call home base. Yes, the no utilities part  would suck, but at least there would be some place to land that would allow us to not be at the whim of others in that respect and not have to worry about having to move our gypsy camp ever again. Now, I know that $10000 is a lot of money, but if only 500 people donated a mere $20 each, the goal would be met. Unfortunately, after a week, there has not even been one donation. Not one. Not a single one. What am I supposed to think about that? What I am thinking is that I am all alone on this and actual complete homelessness is where we are headed.

I’m not sure why I even thought the crowdfunders would be of any help. I couldn’t even get one donation toward helping me buy a much needed vacuum cleaner when I was still cleaning full-time, and that was a ton less money. I am in this thing called life pretty much on my own, apparently, with the occasional help from friends and family, which I know makes me sound ungrateful to those that have helped when they have. On the contrary. I am extremely grateful for the help that has come, when it has come, from those it has come from. I guess I am just feeling desperate about my current situation and am really needing help with it and not seeing any help coming. It doesn’t help that I am terrified that I won’t be able to figure this all out on my own.

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The Road Ahead…

Well, it turns out we are going to have to move. My landlord was wrong with the information he had given me before and came back with we have until August 21st to move and he has until then to get things cleaned up around here, aka all of his piles of crap and cars. We can fill out an affidavit of temporary use by the 21st, but I must have the landlord fill out a good portion of the form and sign it but he has, as of yet, not agreed to do so. I plan on having on filled out to the best of my ability by the 21st and go from there. There is absolutely no way we could move out of here by then, unless, of course, one of those darn lottery tickets I keep buying decides I have won a ton of money. Then I would just move, almost anywhere, and hire someone to clean up the evidence of our existence here. ~sigh~ a girl can dream. It could happen.

To say I am frantic about this may just be a bit of an understatement. Marv the RV barely made it in here 3-1/2 years ago and my faith that he will make it out of here, be driven out of here, is less than optimal. Our travel trailer – well, it’s holding up for us but moving it is giving me some anxiety. Travel trailers aren’t designed to be lived in, at least not when they are over 40 years old, and tend to wear out from doing so. I have heard stories of people going to move their old trailer (and not so old) after having it sit for a bit and the thing has fallen apart in one way or another that made it useless and not worth salvaging. My fingers are crossed.

This brings me to another source of angst. If Marv the RV isn’t going to be usable, then we have nothing to haul our trailer with. Even if Marv can drive himself out of here, that does not mean he will pull the trailer again. I’m not sure the van would pull the trailer if it had a hitch. (Yes, the van is running pretty well. Just need to take it in to Ford so they can reprogram the PCM for $150, and then I believe I will have fixed it. Another thing I need to figure out.)

I’ve thrown up a few crowdfunding fundraisers – Fundly, Generosity, You Caring. It’s a hail mary act, but I don’t feel I’m in a position to rule out any potential options, at the moment. Cross your fingers for us, and feel free to donate. Every dollar helps with this process.

We have put the 98 Saturn on Craigslist. Lance really wanted to keep this car and replace the timing chain in it but life has come along to put that desire to rest. Hopefully, it sells quickly, though my faith in Craigslist has waned over the years. People can be such flakes. Or maybe they are just indecisive with all of their options on Craigslist. Who knows.

I’m waiting until after I have the PCM in the van reprogrammed to decide which of the rest of our fix it vehicles are going away. The Subaru still needs all of its work done. The Camry is coming into dire need of some suspension work itself. I think that one is a ball joint or two, not to mention shocks and struts. Whichever of the vehicles presents with the least amount of issues and money required to fix it is the one we will keep. Since we will be mobile, again, we only need one car until we land somewhere and settle in.

The weather here has been sooo hot!! For the past week, we have been hovering in the mid to upper 90’s. I can’t remember the last time it rained. I’m not complaining. I actually love the heat, but, with the wildfires going on in British Columbia, the state of Washington is covered in smoke, and some rain would help.

Since getting the water running, again, my gardens are extremely happier. It’s really great to see them greening up and reaching their potential of breath-taking beauty. I had a rose bush I thought I was losing. Now, it has thrown out new leaves and has a few little buds on it. Yay!

Well, I’d better get going on the whole ‘breaking down camp’ process. Have a great day, Everyone!!

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From There To…?

I had a friend suggest that I read all of my blog posts. Her thought was that it would be good to see what my perspective is now in comparison to what it was then, whenever that when was. I can see some value in doing that, so reading my old blog posts is what I have been doing. I still am not through them all, there are over 500 of them, but I have to admit that what doing this has made me feel is not at all what I thought it would bring.

I thought I would look back and find some strength, find lessons I couldn’t see at the time, perhaps laugh at myself some at the direness of some things and the lack of intensity on others, and probably find some of my posts worthy of deletion. So far, at about 200 posts in, the only thing I seem to be finding is that part of me wants to just delete the whole thing (dragonflygypsyusa) and start all over, again. The perpetual wheel of discontent and chaos with emotion is a bit much to read back through. So is the valiant efforts to try not to be so overwhelmed and emotional about this or that. I do not feel exceedingly real, though I can’t say that any of the posts were written from a false perspective.

What does this all mean? At this point, not a whole lot since I have not finished all the posts and definitely do not have a plan of action to work from. For now, things will stay as they are, though I have the feeling things are going to change. Looking back, so far, has given me the desire to do better, write more that keeps me going, find things that ignite my inner being to focus on, write less ‘here we go again’ stuff.

Should I just scrap this blog and start another one? Maybe. Will I find that, by the end of reading all the posts, that maybe I should just walk away from blogging? That I should put down the desire to write until I am more certain of my direction? I don’t know.

I seem to be going through some changes, internally. I don’t really know how to explain it, I think. The person I’ve been for a while now just doesn’t seem to fit me anymore, like a pair of jeans, favorite jeans, that just no longer fit, but you love them so much, they have been so comfortable for so long, nothing else fit like them, that you continue to wear them despite the fact that they are no longer comfortable. I guess I am feeling that who I’ve been no longer fits who I am becoming/am, developing into.


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Great Medicine Week…

running water.jpg

What a week it has been! The guy that was supposed to come out to check out the property to make sure everything was ok, cleaned up, whatever, never showed up. It’s a little frustrating that he didn’t come, but things are rolling forward as normal so I can’t complain even a little bit. I don’t have to figure out how to move my family and where. Whew! Thank goodness!

We now have running water, again!! It was a long 6 months without it, buying bottled water in gallons (usually around 15 gallons every 4 -5 days), learning new ways to do things without running water, but we have it now and I can not begin to describe the level of joy this brings me. My gardens are at least as happy as I am, if not more so, though I’m finding it hard to believe that anyone or thing could be more excited about it than me.

I have been a water maven since the water was restored…watering the gardens, doing ALL of the dishes (I don’t want to talk about it), washing my car, with a list of other things I want to get done now that I have running water, again. Have I mentioned the level of joy it brings me?? Well, I think it stands to mention once more. I AM SO INCREDIBLY HAPPY ABOUT HAVING RUNNING WATER AGAIN THAT I THINK I MAY JUST EXPLODE!!

I entered a contest on Freelancer recently. It was a contest to come up with a creative name for a company that offers financial education through games, articles, etc. based in Australia. The prize is $60 Australian dollars. Well, it turns out I won. Woot!

It took me all of about 3 minutes to verify and submit my entry…it was just so obvious a choice for me. One of the things you had to do was make sure that the .com and .com.au were available for the name you submit. Both were available so I entered. I didn’t really think it would win, so I entered then left it alone. The contest holder had messaged me within 24 hours of my submission to let me know he was going to keep my idea on the short list. Cool, but I had looked at some of the top submissions and he had said similar things there. Whatever. He noticed, liked it, said so, awesome.

Then, yesterday, after realizing that my phone had decided to stop syncing my emails to my phone, I did a perusal of my email accounts to see if there was anything important that I had missed. Mostly spam, as expected, but then I noticed one from Freelancer saying something about a winning entry. I, of course, clicked immediately, trying to keep myself from getting excited because I had no idea if it was an email saying I had won or just one showing me who did. When I saw the email was telling me I had won, I couldn’t believe it. I went directly to Freelancer and signed the ‘hand over’ paperwork. Now, I wait for the winnings to be deposited into my account. Sure, it comes to about $45 US dollars, but $45 is $45, which I think is great money for about 3 minutes of work. Can you see my smile from there? It’s a big one.

So, what was my entry? The Coffee Can.

With what this company is offering on their website, financial smarts, the name just popped into my head. If you don’t know how the two things are connected, let me know in the comments and I’ll explain it. It’s pretty old style.

So, yeah, it has been a really great week. I wish I could say I found something to bring a steady stream of cash in, aka a job, but I haven’t. I’m entering more and more contests on Freelancer, but I can’t see just the contests being a full-time income. It’s more like something that would be bonus income if I were adding it to an actual income.

I’m giving more and more thought to writing that book, finally. Ok, I’ve been doing more than just thinking. I’ve sort of started a couple of ideas. My biggest road block, I think, is the fact that I have never done this before, have always been extremely shy about my writing, even when I was writing poems all the time when I was younger. Sure, people actually saw some of those before I shredded them all (yes, I do regret that now), but I didn’t have my whole self invested in them, either. They were just things that I wrote for reasons that escape me at this point, though I did receive very positive feedback from those that got to read them. I’ve thought about going back to poems, again, but…well, I don’t think I am that connected to my emotions anymore and they were definitely a driving force back then. Maybe. We shall see. I don’t know how to formally write poems, you know, the right meter and all that. I just write what’s going on in my heart. If I decide to walk down that road, again, I’ll be throwing the poems up on here for feedback.

Well, that’s it for me, right now. Have a great day, Everyone!!

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