If I Only had a Brain…

I’m sitting here completely overwhelmed. I should be doing my school work – I am in the last three weeks of the quarter and there is no shortage of what needs to be done – but I can’t think straight. So, I’m here to vomit it all out so I can get back to the priorities sitting directly in front of me that I chose to put there.

  1. I’m slightly panicked about my biology grade. It’s still a B, and I know I always get super stressed out at the end of a quarter, but… it’s a low B. One wrong move and its all over for me and school. I’m doing all the work, cramming extra hard with the final looming so close, loving the labs (dissected a heart last week, a kidney this week – so incredibly cool).
  2. A friend that we had taken in seems to be tanking on life. Its going to sound mean but I’m going to say it anyway: the girl has about zero coping skills and I find myself less willing to help her find her feet. It seems she just keeps running at the things that hurt her the most and then is depressed and ‘damaged,’ wondering why everyone/everything “hates” her. It’s frustrating to be on the front lines of that. She was supposedly going in for an assessment this morning to get into treatment to deal with her loss, grief, and trauma. She stayed at a friend of her’s last night and they were supposed to bring her to the assessment then here. I’ve heard nothing.
  3. Lance is working at his brother’s – a completely great thing other than the distance. We had talked about him staying up there during the week since it is so far but nothing had been sorted out. I had agreed that it was probably a great idea – less gas used, no morning and night commute, hypothetically less outgoing money for him to work. Lance informed me the night before last that he was going to start staying up there, starting the next day. I have no idea why but I immediately felt like he was leaving me, as in not coming back. We talked about it together but I never really got over the feeling and now that he is gone, it is more intense. Despite it being a useless feeling at this time, I can’t make it go away so I feel like I am grieving. I hate this.
  4. A friend of mine is going in to have a tumor in her brain removed tomorrow. All of me wants to hop in my van that doesn’t do freeways, drive like a crazed maniac to her home and glue myself to her until after she is better. I know she is not alone and my presence will change absolutely nothing, but I still feel like I am failing her. I get it. That’s my issue. What it comes down to is the fact that I do not have mystical powers that would enable me to just visualize her tumor gone and have it disappear, no recovery time, no need for surgery. This is a friend I would love to be able to place a anti-mayhem and anti-bullshit protective barrier around to eliminate any negatives that may have nefarious plans of either doing a drive by or taking root in her life. I am so scared for her and feel like a horrible friend.
  5. The impending move. Yeah, we still are dealing with that. Its sounding like this spring/summer is going to bring a mandatory move. How am I supposed to handle a move like the one we are going to have to do and my school work? Was I an absolute moron for enrolling in college, again? Am I going to have to drop out or put it on hold until…? We land again??? I know there are a bunch of people who are thinking I am just not adulting this situation but I am doing the best I know how to do and not making any progress. Suggestions?

I am struggling through this pile of things that seem to bring intelligent thought to a halt. I’m in this by myself, it feels. Sure, my husband is beside me, physically, but I feel like I’m still the one that has to figure it all out. If I didn’t have school going, my son living with me, my dogs, a credit score I’ve been diligently working on improving, I would probably just let myself blow in whatever direction the wind takes me, again. Then, again, I know where that ends.

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Just a Check-In…

School is kicking my butt a little bit. Ok. That’s not true. I feel like school is kicking my butt but I believe that it has more to do with life stuff than actually school. It’s not that anything out of the ordinary is going on, at the moment, it’s just that I have come to realize just how much more…involved our life has become since the last time I was going to school. Things were a bit more relaxed, though it really didn’t seem so at the time. Perspective.

I’m carrying an A in my medical terminology class and a solid B in biology. Did I mention that last time? Anyway, I am feeling a lot less stressed about the B than I had been. It could be worse, a lot worse, and then I would definitely have something to worry about but not a B. I do plan on bringing that grade up, if I am capable, though.

Anyway, life is life as it tends to be and I am sitting inside the yurt where we do Holotropic Breathwork. Lance and I are here really early so he could help his brother with some stuff before the breathwork this evening. I am really looking forward to breathing, as I always am, though a bit more this time. The centering and awareness it seems to provide me is something I feel has been missing some for the past week or so. Time to have a talk with myself and see what it has to say.

It looks like Lance will be coming up here to work for a while, again. This is a good thing in so many ways though I hate that he won’t be home. I guess that just gives me more time to focus on my schoolwork, time that I would normally guard preciously as ‘our’ time. We shall see how I’m feeling after he has not been home a few nights in row. I may feel differently, though I’ll have to just get over it. This is where we are and what needs to happen so…well, there you have it. No crying, ladies and gentlemen.

I have my van running, again. I still can’t seem to give up completely on it. At least I have the van as opposed to not having a vehicle to, at the very least, get to the bus with so I can get to and from school. Thank God for the $5 bus pass that lasts the whole quarter.

So, yeah, life is moving along at a steady pace. Moving is going to have to happen this Spring or Summer, depending on when things are put to the forefront in that department. I’m hoping summer. It just sounds easier, less complicated, I guess. I don’t want to have to move at all, but, again, I’m just going to have to get over it.

Well, I’m going to get some studying done for my biology quiz tomorrow. Hope the rest of the world is doing great and finding their bliss.

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I need an ear, or two…

I am not even sure how to get started here. I have been away for way too long and debated on whether or not I should even come. But, you see, I’m feeling really overwhelmed, stuck, and, oddly, optimistic, at least in some areas, and this is where I come when I need to just get it down in front of me instead of leaving it doing endless laps around my head.

I started classes on January 2nd and I have to say I am so incredibly excited about it. By now, everyone is aware of my penchant for learning, so me being back in college shouldn’t be a surprise. With my life situation, going back to school seems like a no brainer if I want to change my world. I can’t rely on my body, anymore, so I’m betting on my brain. Hopefully it is holding up better than my body.

The classes I have this quarter are Biology 175 and Medical Terminology 105. Both classes are great but I have to admit that I am loving biology more than the terminology by a huge margin. I’m sure it has a lot to do with the fact that my biology class has a lab, which makes it hands on. Medical Terminology is online for me this quarter and, with all of its combining forms, prefixes, suffixes it gets a bit…I guess confusing. I’m trucking along through it, though.

As much as I am loving school, my stress level is extremely high, at the moment. I am trying to juggle school, a very moderate work load, and being the hub of my family, which means I’m the go to here. When I went to college last time, I wasn’t working. I was able to get into a great time management flow before I added a moderate work load to it. Lance was the one in charge of bringing in money back then.

Work has been less than satisfying in more than one direction. I find myself wanting even less to do with cleaning than I had before starting college. I’m not making anywhere close to enough money and adding more to the schedule, whether through the company I’m working with or on my own, just eats into the time I have for studying. This is having a negative affect on my school work, but I feel like I’m stuck in another horrible catch 22: can’t quit working because the bills aren’t going anywhere and Lance doesn’t have consistent work at the moment, but I need more time for my school work.

I’m carrying a B in biology and I’m not ok with that. Plus, I need my grades to be A’s, very high B’s in order to have a shot at getting into the Diagnostic Medical Sonography  (DMS) program. It’s an exceedingly competitive program to get into. I’ve set up a second choice, Radiological Sciences, which is also pretty competitive to get into, but a little less so than DMS. Either way, if I don’t figure out how to get more time for studying along with being able to bring in an income at the same time, I’m not going to make it into either of those programs. Yes, I’m panicking a bit. I don’t do well with lower grades to begin with, and the fact that I have bet my future on going back to college, I’m even more stressed by my biology grade. (I’m carrying a solid A in Medical Terminology) Midterms are next week – sheer panic.

Lance seems to be in somewhat of a sabotage mode, though it seems to directed at me. If he doesn’t work, I may have to not continue with college in order to save us financially, and he doesn’t seem too motivated to find something consistent. I think he is a bit depressed, at the moment. I think my going back to school may be part of it, despite the fact that we had discussed it before hand, that he had suggested it. I believe he is unhappy with the amount of time I will be back in college. His idea was for me to take a program that would take a maximum of 9 months, something along the computer sciences line, and provide me with the ability to make a good to great income without having to rely on my body. Though that is a pretty solid plan, can anyone see me spending days on end in a cubicle, in front of a computer? I can’t, even if I find computer systems intriguing.

One of the other things I think is depressing my husband is I think he wishes he were back in school. He, too, has been in manual labor jobs and has a body that is not too pleased with the work anymore. It’s what he knows and he is really good at it, so he continues with it. When he is working, he makes great money. It’s the lack of consistency that is the problem with that. Maybe he feels stuck, too.

The woman I have been working with has gotten so wishy-washy with everything that I am finding it more and more difficult to not just walk away from the work. Yes, part of the desire to leave is because of school, as I’ve said, but the other part is her back and forth on what it is she says she is going to do or is doing. Plus, she gets a bit forceful when asking me if I have time for an extra clean, a move out clean, when they come up. I can tell her I don’t have the time to add anything else, and she tries to manipulate me into doing it anyway.

She likes to point out the money I would be missing, which is a big one for me, and it is almost like there is punishment of some type for not conforming. I have been using the work van since my van is down (a throttle cable broke, no money to fix at this time). It’s a 94 Plymouth Voyager on its last legs. I am grateful for the use of the vehicle. It has saved me a few times, plus it gets me to school. The agreement we had when my van went down and I started driving the work van full-time was that I would drive it until the wheels fall off or until I get my van going, again.

Well, I told her no on two, back to back move out cleans. I just didn’t have time for that and to get my schoolwork done. Now, she says she had planned on selling the van, trying to get at least $500 out of it so it’s not a total loss. She offered to sell it to me for $400. Number one, the head gasket is going out in the work van, the transmission is beginning to slip, and there are a number of other, less significant things starting to go wrong with that van. Number two, I can not add another ‘payment’ to my budget ($100/wk) along with insurance payments. (No, I don’t have insurance. If you would care to comment on that, please feel free to pay for me to have insurance and we can talk about that, otherwise, whatever) Besides, since I have been the only one driving the van, I have an intimate knowledge of how it is doing and I am seriously doubting that it will still be on the road in a few weeks, max, probably before I would have paid for it. No thank you.

Honestly, I’m at the point with her that I want to do the clean I have today, go to my biology lab tomorrow, and then return the van to her and quit, which I may very well do. I’m going to go in and talk with Adam, my Workforce navigator, tomorrow after lab about work. He has a bunch of employment recruiters/employment agencies he works with that understand the college schedule and there are a number of jobs that would be weekend only work. I can do that. It will eat into the time Lance and I get to spend together, which I don’t like, but at least I would still be bringing in something. Most of these jobs are minimum wage, a few are a little bit more, so not even good money but something. If I can get that set up with him tomorrow, I will be having Lance meet me at my current place of employment so I can return the van and be done with all of that. I have a bus pass that lasts all quarter so getting around wouldn’t be too big of a deal, though my princess self will be completely discontent with not having my own vehicle to get around in. Oh well. At least I’ll still be moving forward instead of losing ground.

I can’t quit school. To quit and just continue to hustle my butt to keep barely making ends meet means…having this life that I am sooo incredibly done with be the choice that I make. I don’t want to choose this. To continue with this, to accept this is all my life will ever consist of, that I’ll always be struggling, never have sure footing, always be juggling and shuffling, no security…. I can’t. I just can’t. It’s killing me, inside. I’ve already lost so much, too much, of me in it. Just no. School is going to be the thing that saves me from this life. It has to.

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A New Path…

Apparently, I am in a once a month writing mode. It could be worse. Again, wish I could say that I have been writing my little heart out, creating that book, writing articles, whatever, but, again, I haven’t been doing that at all. What is my main aversion to writing these days? I have no idea other than feeling overwhelmed by the day-to-day stuff. The laptop goes into the cupboard since it is so damn cold here lately and promptly gets forgotten about. Ok. Not forgotten about, just not something that comes to mind all that often. The times I have pulled out my laptop have not been for writing or anything related to it. sigh I guess it is what it is. I am writing right now and I guess that is better than nothing.

I gave two-week notice to the woman I have been working for. She immediately counter offered a pay raise and asked me if I want to handle the interviews for new applicants for the position and train them, paid for both of those. I can do that. So far, there was one woman who was supposed to meet me at a clean for a working interview but she never showed. We shall see how this goes.

So, my back has been getting worse. It seems to take less and less for it to start making it difficult to move without intense pain. I have stated about a million times by now that I need to find work that is not labor intensive. The downside, major downside, to this is that everything I know how to do is labor intensive in one fashion or another. Finding work outside of the industries I have experience and skills in looks a whole lot like a huge pay cut. That doesn’t feel productive. I know it would grow back up with time but…well, I’m not sure how many more blows to my pride I can take before I start to lose a sense of me. No worries. I have a solution.


I went to Tacoma Community College last week to see what programs they offer that take one year or less. This ended me up at the WorkForce building across from the Admissions building. WorkForce specializes in worker retraining, WorkForce, the Opportunity Grant, and Bfet programs. Basically, they help you train, retrain, and/or go to/back to school to find a career, get into a new one, and they fund it or help you find funding to do so. I attended their workshop, talked with the ‘navigator’ they assigned me to, then took all the info I had gathered and let it stew for a couple of days.

Originally, I wanted to take Tacoma Community College’s Medical Diagnostic Sonographer/Ultrasound Tech program, a two-year degree program. Honestly, I still do want to get that degree but I think I have put together a great game plan for getting there. A stepping stone program that will give me some of what I will need for the Sonographer course, give me skills I can utilize to bring an income in while going to school and will cost me nothing but time. Sure, it’s going to take more time to get to that end goal, but I think it will go more smoothly and be worth the added time. So, what is this stepping stone program? Medical Scribe.

The course is about 3 quarters long, but, with the classes I’ve already taken while getting my Criminal Justice degree, it’s looking like the Medical Scribe course may only take me 2 quarters, which would be awesome. Starting national average median salary for Medical Scribe? Almost $27000. Yes, less than what I had gotten used to but still not bad and completely enough to stay alive on, especially if my husband is working too. I have an appointment tomorrow with the person that runs the class to finish getting everything set up.

After the WorkForce workshop last week, I went to the job search sites that I had already signed up with and changed my search to Medical Scribe jobs, just to see what might be available in the area and common salary amounts. So far, everything that has come in has left me feeling pretty good about taking this path.

One of the things I like about both the Medical Scribe program and the Medical Diagnostic Sonographer course is that they are not labor intensive but also not a desk job. I would still be moving around, not stuck in a cubicle. That really is key for me I think. The very idea of being in a sedentary job depresses me.

So, yeah, that’s the plan. Keep your fingers crossed for me that all turns out well and the college and I are capable of getting everything put together, along with the funding package, by the end of the day tomorrow, the funding deadline for Winter quarter.

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Update, Done…

Wow. Look at that. A whole month since I have written anything on here. I have no idea where the time has gone, but it has. I would like to say I have been writing in other mediums, but I haven’t. I haven’t been writing at all.

I guess its time for an update on all that is my gypsy camp. We are still in the same spot, though it is becoming harder and harder to be here since it is made known often that we need to move. Have we found somewhere else to move to? No. Three big dogs is a huge deterrent, apparently. Also, the amount of money we would need to just secure a spot is more, way more, than we can manage at this time.

I found a job. I don’t remember if I mentioned that last month. Anyway, its house cleaning, $15 an hour (ouch), local. The company has a work van for me to drive to my jobs, which is good. Granted, it’s an old style caravan with not much life left in it. It’s something.

This job is not going to last. The hours I am working will never even begin to generate enough income to barely stay alive, not to mention assist in making the move. One week I will work 19 hours, the next 10, followed by a week with 12 hours. One week was only 8 hours. This is not working. I have started applying to other places to work, though it is hurting more and more every day to continue this type of work. The fact is it is what I know how to do and am very good at it. To try to change industries would mean making even less than I already am. I can’t do that.

I took this job with the understanding that the hours would not be much, AT FIRST. The woman who owns this business has said that she would be adding more clients, making it one of her main focuses. This hasn’t happened. In fact, she has focused so much on the rest of her business that she has added no new clients and, due to death and/or moving, the cleaning client base has even gotten a bit smaller. On top of this, she is now wanting me to take over confirming with the clients the cleans she puts on my schedule. More responsibilities without an increase in pay. This is not working out at all.

Lance has managed to stay mostly busy over the past year with work, bringing in money to help us continue making progress in move preparations, staying alive, keeping up/catching up on bills. Over the last month or so, his working has gotten quite a bit sporadic with the clients blowing off getting materials for the job. We are both feeling rather defeated at the moment.

The Freestar is running, not well, but running enough to get me to work and back, which at least there is that. The Camry is running like a champ for Lance. The Saturn…well, I’m about to push it out to the curb for $300 and see what I get for it. I’ve replaced fuses, CPS (crankshaft position sensor), starter, coil pack, and it still won’t start. I’m at a loss as to where to go from here on it. I am going to make sure the battery is fully charged then put the SyncUp device we bought from T-mobile to see if it the car throws a code while trying to start it. I’ve been driving around with this device in the van hoping it would help decipher what is going on with it but nothing so far despite how horribly it is running.

The T-mobile SyncUp device allows you to keep track of your miles, set speeding alerts, works as a mobile hotspot in the vehicle, and is supposed to report any diagnostic trouble codes the vehicle’s engine might be going through.  Now, the diagnostic trouble codes part of this is not the codes that are readable with your standard OBD-2 reader and that you can go to most part stores and have read for free. These are to codes that you pay the mechanic $80 – $125 or more to hook up his special diagnostic tools.

My thought with getting this device was that I am at the point where I want to take the van to a mechanic for this exact reason. We drive a lot of older cars with tons of miles on them and this could be a handy device to have for the different problems we run into with our vehicles. There was also a promotion going on for the device at the time. It just sounded like a way to keep moving forward with our vehicles without having to pay the price for a mechanic to hook up his diagnostic tools.

We were in T-mobile because Lance’s phone had stopped working. After the person at T-mobile inspected Lance’s phone, he said the best thing to do would be to do a warranty exchange, which would only cost us $5. Perfect. The replacement phone would be in in a couple of days. Unfortunately, between leaving that store then and the day the replacement phone came in, somehow Lance’s display module broke on the phone. According to T-mobile, the only time that could happen on Lance’s phone was if the battery was out. Two different T-mobile reps removed the battery to inspect the phone for the exchange. The first one said it was eligible for warranty exchange. The second one is the one that said the display module was broken. Now, Lance is using his old LG G4 with all of the issues it was having before which caused us to replace it a year ago. Frustrating.

I’m at a point where I am feeling like it doesn’t matter how much I struggle, fight, whatever to try to keep us going, to try to get this move to happening instead of sitting dead in the water due to lack of funding despite running as hard as I can at it. It all seems pointless. I’m wondering why I even try.

I have spent so much of the last couple of years trying to clear up my credit and being successful at doing so, for the most part. My credit score has gone up and down a 100 point range multiple times based on what income was coming in when. It’s frustrating to watch, exhilarating when the score goes up, shaming when it goes down and changes absolutely nothing in my world.

I have no idea what is going on with my fundraisers. I haven’t received any notifications of new donations so my guess is nothing at all is happening. Whatever. I’m done asking people for help. Despite being told that when you need help you should just ask and people are always willing to help. I have come to realize that is a bold-faced lie, at least when it comes to my world. The people who are willing to help are few and far between, even when it comes to something as simple and non-demanding as finding resources to help myself. When it comes right down to it, we are in this alone.

I feel like saying screw it. Stop paying bills, making credit card payments, all of it. Why bother? Being responsible isn’t fixing our situation and, in some ways, makes it worse. File bankruptcy, disappear, see what happens. Become homeless, walk away from the travel trailer, RV, 5th wheel, live in a tent with my dogs and husband and son. Try to sustain life by eating berries, bark, grass, leaves, whatever. Dig holes to poop in, never shower again, probably die within the next 10 years. It appears I am headed that way anyway so why not just expedite it and run into now? I have no more ideas, no more solutions. There is nothing left and I am done.


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Saturn, Freestar Day, Upcoming Emotional Relief…

I’ve given the Center of the Sun tattoo a lot more thought. I want it, I really do, but I honestly can’t justify putting any money toward it. We have things we must take care of and then there is the direction I’m trying to point us in – owning our own spot to park our gypsy camp and hopefully turn into a home. These are priorities and taking money from that to get a non-life defining ‘want’ is self-sabotage, plain and simple. Ugh. Adulting is such a chore sometimes.

Today is ‘Mieke the Mechanic’ day. My goals are to get the Saturn running, again, and do a transmission service on the Freestar. The Saturn has been sitting since it died going down the freeway. I’ve done a few things to it, nothing major – check all the fuses, changed the inline battery fuse (was blown), checked to see if the CPS was properly seated (not super easy to do on this one since it is hidden behind the starter, not sure if properly seated but feels like it), charged the battery up and had it tested (probably should pick up a new one but this one tested out ok), tried compression starting it, talked with anyone I could that I thought might have some knowledge, and it’s still not running. Hoping that changes before the day is over.


I’ve been driving the Freestar. Nowhere far, just work and back, mostly, laundry, groceries. I had the PCM reprogrammed and it didn’t fix the problems, though it may have been running better. I think maybe that was wishful thinking since I had spent the $150 to have it done and really, really want this van to run right. I’m not sure what it is about the Freestar, but I like it, a lot. I don’t usually keep cars that are giving me this hard of a time but, for some reason, I just can’t seem to completely give up on this van.

Anyway, its been running really rough with its usual times of smooth sailing. The last couple of days, it has been worse than normal and yesterday, at the end of the day, it stopped having good times. I’m going to drop the tranny pan, replace the filter, strain the fluid for little bits to throw back in, and fill with new fluid with the addition of Lucas Transmission Fluid Conditioner. I think the Lucas will help since the transmission has been having a hard time and the ‘leak’ that has been happening from the wiper cowl when it rains has added moisture inside it. Ford knows this is a problem, yet still has not put a recall on the vehicle, despite doing so with their previous models with the exact same issues. Frustrating but onward we go.

I’m trying to decide if I want to just clean the plugs or change them. The misfire that has been happening, that the PCM reprogram was supposed to take care of, has definitely fouled the plugs and I’m thinking I may just want to replace them. I think I’ll go ahead and pick the new plugs up so I have them. I may get in there and decide it’s the best move to just replace them. I wonder about the plug wires, too, but this will exceed the budget at this time.

If the tranny service and plugs don’t fix these problems, I’m thinking the van may need a new PCM. I’d really like to put the van in the shop for a diagnostic but…well, funding. I’ll figure out how to make that happen if the work I do this weekend doesn’t make things better. Hopefully, it doesn’t make things worse, which is why I want to get the Saturn going first. I want to know I have a backup vehicle if things go drastically wrong and the van is out of commission for a bit, if not entirely.

The Camry needs its own work (possibly wheel bearings, possibly u-joint, possibly ??? – it’s moderately disturbing to me as it goes down the road, as I’m feeling something ratchety, something just not right at all) and I want to make sure neither of us is without a vehicle since we both are bringing money in these days. Once we are both in more solid vehicle positions and the Camry is parked, I may do a little bit of work to it so I can sell it. Part of me wonders if maybe I should go ahead and just fix the Camry and have that sitting as the backup vehicle. I’ll make that decision later after I have a firmer grasp on what’s going on with the Saturn and Freestar.

My new job is ok. The hours haven’t been great but something is better than nothing. Though some great hours means better incoming cash, I have to admit that I’m not too upset about the lack of hours. Though its house cleaning I’m doing instead of move out cleaning, I still really don’t want to be cleaning. I think I have burnt myself out on the whole thing, honestly. If I could just convince myself to finally write that damn book, or article, or whatever and make writing into a career, stopping being so afraid, then I would have that as a potential option. My step-dad says ‘what do you have to lose?’ Financially? Not a thing. Emotionally? Everything, and that is where the problem comes in. I want it and to have it come down to not an option instead of a potential option, it would be crushing to me, and I’m not sure how much more emotional deadening I can take before I stop caring about anything, stop dreaming.

Speaking of that, my doctor’s appointment is this week, finally. Antidepressant, here I come. It’ll be nice having a bit of backup in the emotional end of things. I’ve been having a lot of really good days, but, in between those, I have some really dark days, ones where nothing gets done. I’m completely stuck in my head, beating myself repeatedly with any and all mistakes over this lifetime, feeling inadequate, unwanted, unneeded, unnecessary, and wondering if I was truly meant to be at all. Those days are the hardest. Those days I get through by talking myself through every minute of it, not allowing my thoughts to linger on any one thing too long so it can not lead to me wondering if I’m fighting this life battle for no reason at all. Suicide does cross my mind. I know what it is. I also know, for me, if I acknowledge when I’m feeling that way (Ok. Yeah, I’m feeling suicidal today. This is going to be a really challenging day but I’ll make it through it.), it takes some of the power out of it. Once the antidepressant gets settled in my system, those days will not be quite so challenging.

Lance’s brother is finally back from France – yay!! There is a breathwork gathering tomorrow and I am sooo excited! The breathwork seems to help a lot with the depression and my anxiety, too. I’ve been feeling like I’ve needed a breathwork session for a bit now so I’m extremely grateful that is happening tomorrow. A little reprieve from the mental chaos and some strength to keep moving forward another day.

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Heading Toward the Center of the Sun…

Lance is liking his new job and it seems to be going along just fine. I think the guy he is working for likes him, too, which, of course, is a really good thing. Knowing we have that income coming in is a real stress reliever, especially with a pending move and all in our future.

I am…ok with my new job. I’d love to say I’m thrilled with it, but its cleaning and I think I’ve established on here that I no longer have any desire whatsoever to clean for a living anymore. The owner of the company is nice and we have quite a few things in common. She seems pretty easy to work for, so that is a good thing, but I have to admit I find myself in the middle of a clean wondering what the hell I was thinking taking this job cleaning. Yeah, I think I’ve burned myself out on the whole cleaning thing. At least I have an income and, since I tend to be a stayer in most things, I’m sure I’ll end up hanging on to this house cleaning job unless something else comes up that is at least the same amount of money and isn’t cleaning.

Yeah, I think I’ve burned myself out on the whole cleaning thing. At least I have an income and, since I tend to be a stayer in most things, I’m sure I’ll end up hanging on to this house cleaning job unless something else comes up that is at least the same amount of money and isn’t cleaning. I’m not actively looking, but I wonder if I should be. Here’s why:

I had two cleans yesterday, both 3 hours, and by the time I had made it about halfway through my second clean, my wrists and hands were hurting. After relaxing for a while with Lance last night, pretty much everything from the waist up to the top of my neck was hurting. Ugh. My age seems to be reminding me a lot, lately, that I am not as young as I used to be and I have not been very nice to my body along the way. This morning, my legs joined in the aching with the rest of me and I’m really feeling like there just has to be a better way to bring in money than hurting myself every day, along with being around all of the cleaning chemicals. Again, at least I have an income. Now, if I could just figure out how to make really good money not killing myself. *sigh* I feel so stuck in this and am totally open to suggestions since my best thinking is sending back something along the lines of a dial tone.

I’m really wanting a new tattoo. I know part of that is because of the all the things in our life that are requiring immediate attention. At one point in my life, getting a tattoo was a way to relieve a little stress and attempt to keep myself from dealing with things in not so healthy ways, i.e. not deal with them at all. Now, I get them just because I love them.

A tattoo idea really has to resonate with me. The tattoo I want now is a verse from the song Center of the Sun by Conjure One: “I cannot be hurt by anything this wicked world has done.” I find some strength from the verse, the whole song, actually, but the verse really hits me. So much has gone on in my life, I’ve dealt with some real nasties in a lot of different areas of life, and, unfortunately, I’ve picked up that crap and carried it with me through life.

People say they have baggage. I tend to say that I have a semi-trailer that follows me around with all of my baggage in it. Sometimes, it feels like I have that much, and other times it feels like maybe I’ve cleared some room in that trailer. Anyway, the verse hit me like a brick the first time I heard it and reminded me that I can choose how I react to ‘this wicked world,’ and all that it has done/does. Get out of the habit of automatic response, something I have been working on a lot, lately, with varied success. Learning something new is definitely a process, and I think to learn a new way of thinking, reacting, is even more challenging. This is where the tattoo comes in – a permanent reminder that I am strong and there is nothing in this world that can keep me down except my own allowing of it.

Now, where to put it. I’m thinking on my right inner forearm – easy to see the reminder. I had thought the back of my leg, either thigh or calf, but that’s not a great place for me to see it, just others, and, as usual, my tattoos don’t end up on my body for other people. The only one I have that is close to that is my wedding band around my right bicep. My husband has the same one on his left bicep. He designed and drew it. That tattoo is for us, our marriage. Yeah, my right inner forearm sounds right. I’d say my left, but there is not enough room there, I think, with my other tattoos.

As you can see, this is still in the planning and thought process. Maybe a Christmas present to myself this year. Two and a half months sounds like a good length of time to think about a tattoo. Permanent decisions require a good amount of thought since they can’t be taken back.

Anyway, that’s about it for now. I guess I’m just wanting to write. I usually have all these splendid ideas right before I open my laptop and start writing, at which point they hide in the deepest recesses of my mind. I’m thinking part of that is because I have not been diligent in my writing, on here or otherwise. I’m not writing every day and can’t seem to get myself in that mode. I’ll write for a couple of days in a row, mostly journal-type writing on a document on Drive, then the next thing I know, a few days have passed and I haven’t written at all, despite the desire and intent to do so. Yeah, bad head space, I think. Or, maybe I just haven’t gotten myself back into that disciplined spot, yet. I’m a little frustrated about it.

Alright. That’s it from me today. Until next time…

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Trudging Through Limbo…

Preparations for the move continue on, though we still don’t have a move by date. As much as I hate being in limbo on pretty much anything, I have to admit not being given a date, yet, in some ways, almost feels like a relief. There is the feeling that the urgency may have gone away, as in the county is too busy with a whole lot of things to keep on top of this one. Still, I labor on with the chore of getting us prepared to move.

One of my fundraisers finally received a donation (Thanks, E!)!! $25 but that is a start and way better than $0. As I said before, we only need 500 people to be willing to part with $20 each to reach our goal. Now, 499 people. I also received a donation to our cause from a close friend through the mail. 498 people.

The work Lance had been doing for his brother has pretty much dried up. His brother has left the country on vacation, so if there is work he is wanting to be done, that is all on hold. No problem. Lance found a job the day before yesterday, making the same money, that should last a couple of months. YAY!

Lance had also talked with a guy about selling solar. This would be somewhat of a dream job for Lance since he is so interested in alternative energies. I am, too, but nowhere near the extent that Lance is. The guy has had to reschedule getting together with Lance until sometime next week. It sounds like getting that rolling could take a minute, possibly be a bit slow going at first, so it is good that Lance has found this other job for a couple of months. I think the couple of months job doing some remodeling will help provide some much-needed stress relief and allow Lance to still be making some money will getting the solar panel sales going. I don’t have all the details about the solar sales, yet, since Lance and this guy (William, I think) have not had a chance to sit down together and talk specific details. At this point, it sounds like something that could really work out great for Lance, for us, and allow Lance to do something that isn’t hurting him physically every day. My fingers are crossed on the solar sales job.

I found a job yesterday. Actually, the day before, but I didn’t actually GET the job until yesterday. It’s cleaning, of course, but for someone different from before and local. It sounds like this is going to be more of a residential type cleaning gig than move-out, with move-out cleans to be filtered in. I’m not super happy about pay, but it’s not too horrible either. The big bonuses? All cleaning supplies are provided along with a van to drive to cleans. Those two things alone make the pay a lot easier to swallow. I am doing my first clean for this company with another team member today. So, we have two incomes, again. Whew.

I’ve been isolating a lot. Yes, there is the move stuff that has me pretty pre-occupied, stuck at home, but that usually doesn’t keep me from chatting with my best friend every day. I haven’t been even doing that. My phone rings and just the sound of it ringing is annoying. “Who is bugging me now?” is usually the thought. I really have no desire to communicate with anyone much at all. A whole lot of me knows that this is partially all part of the move stress, but it feels like so much more than that.

My depression is in full swing, leaving me stuck in the humdrum and numb state which drives me crazy. I made an appointment to get on an antidepressant but the soonest they could get me in is October 19th. That seems like an insanely long time to have to wait to get on an antidepressant. I have decided if it gets too much, I will go sit in the waiting room at the MultiCare clinic until they can see me. Until then, white knuckling it. Breathe in, breathe out.

I finally have a deposition date for the moving truck accident over two years ago: October 17th. Though I’m happy to finally have this moving forward, I can’t say that I see the moving company actually paying in the end. They have proven to have very little integrity so far. I hope I’m wrong, though. At any rate, closer to the end of this.

I can’t remember if I mentioned that Lance and I have started practicing Holotropic Breathwork. Lance’s brother, Travis, has been hosting them in the yurt Lance helped him build. Lance had mentioned one of the gatherings Travis was having and it was clear that he wanted to go but wanted me to go, as well. I had made myself take a ‘putting it all down’ weekend right before this so I decided ‘why not?’ It turned out pretty amazing. We have since gone up to do the breathwork two more times. I have, of course, researched the topic to no end.

The breathwork has opened up…a pathway of sorts. A lot of things I have held in belief of myself, or of life, people, things have come up for review or just plain presented themselves then immediately dissipated, as in no longer there. It also has made it really difficult to get out of my head. Ok. That’s probably just a coincidence, mostly. I know slipping into meditation is a whole lot easier and quicker than it used to be, and I seem to be letting go of a whole lot of the clutter up there. This does not mean I have clearer thoughts these days, just less issued thought, perhaps. Whatever, I am definitely interested in doing a lot more breathwork, at different venues hosted by other people, as well. If you don’t know what Holotropic Breathwork is, here is a link for more information: Holotropic Breathwork.

Well, I have things to do before my clean today. Have a great day, Everyone!

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Thinking, Wondering, Noticing, Trying to Understand…

Why is it that the more you try to get ahead, the more you run into people places and things that attempt to get in your way? I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t really tell anyone anything anymore. Why would I? Mostly, I get the response of whatever it is is not a good idea, will never work, doubt doubt doubt, negativity negativity negativity. It doesn’t seem to matter what the idea is, it’s pretty much always met with naysayers in mass. I don’t get it.

I seem to fall in a category different from those that I know. When someone I know has an idea, they are backed. When they need help, people are swarming to help out. Me, in the same situations, is given the no’s, not a good idea, that sucks, wish I could help, or just plain ignored. I don’t understand. What is it about me that, when I need help, everyone abandons ship?

Ok. That isn’t completely true. I have a couple of friends that have really stepped up when I have needed it. Some of my family of origin have stepped up. My in-laws have. My brother-in-law has. But, for the majority, when I am in need help, even with something as simple as moving from one house to another, my world becomes a ghost town with only the memories of those that were there, once upon a time, and the sound of crickets.

As we are growing up, we are told to ask for help when we need it. For me, this implies that asking for help is met with, well, help. This has not been my own personal experience. I’ve seen it happen consistently for so many but not so much for me and I have to admit that it leaves me wondering what is wrong with me? Why are people so willing to help others but not me? Am I undeserving of receiving help when I need it? Or am I only allowed to ask for help with certain things, like information?

I always try to help people out as much as I can. This doesn’t always mean that I want to, but I know what it is like to need help and not find it. Does this mean I just have the wrong people in my life? Maybe. I guess I don’t really know and, since this is something that has been lifelong, I am doubting this is the only reason. Not everyone in my life can be someone who shouldn’t be, could they?

Yes, I know this sounds a bit like a whiny pity party, and maybe it is a little bit, but mostly I’m just trying to figure out why it is that I am unworthy of the same treatment I see others receive. I already don’t seem to fit in pretty much anywhere, or at least not for long, and this just seems to enlarge that feeling. What makes people look at me so differently?

My mom has said many times that I always land on my feet, and I guess that is mostly true, but what isn’t mentioned is that so many times I end up landing on broken feet in a pile of shit. Yes, I’ve landed, I’m upright, but there is no way I can maintain that for long – broken feet don’t hold much for long – and everyone seems to ignore the pile of shit I’ve landed in. If you land in shit, does it still count as a successful landing? Does it imply that help is no longer needed?

I’ve always been a pretty fiercely independent person, wanting to do things on my own, to a fault I’m afraid. I’m horrible at maintaining relationships. I’ve been living the life of a poor person for longer than I care to think about. Perhaps these are the reasons people disappear when I need help.

There are so many stories of someone being in a really bad spot, needing help desperately, throwing a blanket call for help without any expectation of it being met, and having not only people come and help but have people show up and do way more than was needed, life changing more. I guess I put some serious stock in these stories because, when I am needing help, desperate help, I throw out the blanket call, hoping at least someone will be willing to help out to the best of their ability, and end up with no response, crickets. (Well, there was that one time when we were stuck in Idaho. One of my friends rescued us in such a thorough way, I was speechless and grateful beyond reason. There is nothing I won’t do for her.)

Here’s an example. I have a few crowdfunding fundraisers going to try to get some help with our current ‘have to move, somewhere, somehow’ issue we have going on. I have asked for $10000, with the thought that we could buy a small piece of land, probably without utilities, to call home base. Yes, the no utilities part  would suck, but at least there would be some place to land that would allow us to not be at the whim of others in that respect and not have to worry about having to move our gypsy camp ever again. Now, I know that $10000 is a lot of money, but if only 500 people donated a mere $20 each, the goal would be met. Unfortunately, after a week, there has not even been one donation. Not one. Not a single one. What am I supposed to think about that? What I am thinking is that I am all alone on this and actual complete homelessness is where we are headed.

I’m not sure why I even thought the crowdfunders would be of any help. I couldn’t even get one donation toward helping me buy a much needed vacuum cleaner when I was still cleaning full-time, and that was a ton less money. I am in this thing called life pretty much on my own, apparently, with the occasional help from friends and family, which I know makes me sound ungrateful to those that have helped when they have. On the contrary. I am extremely grateful for the help that has come, when it has come, from those it has come from. I guess I am just feeling desperate about my current situation and am really needing help with it and not seeing any help coming. It doesn’t help that I am terrified that I won’t be able to figure this all out on my own.

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