Thinking, Wondering, Noticing, Trying to Understand…

Why is it that the more you try to get ahead, the more you run into people places and things that attempt to get in your way? I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t really tell anyone anything anymore. Why would I? Mostly, I get the response of whatever it is is not a good idea, will never work, doubt doubt doubt, negativity negativity negativity. It doesn’t seem to matter what the idea is, it’s pretty much always met with naysayers in mass. I don’t get it.

I seem to fall in a category different from those that I know. When someone I know has an idea, they are backed. When they need help, people are swarming to help out. Me, in the same situations, is given the no’s, not a good idea, that sucks, wish I could help, or just plain ignored. I don’t understand. What is it about me that, when I need help, everyone abandons ship?

Ok. That isn’t completely true. I have a couple of friends that have really stepped up when I have needed it. Some of my family of origin have stepped up. My in-laws have. My brother-in-law has. But, for the majority, when I am in need help, even with something as simple as moving from one house to another, my world becomes a ghost town with only the memories of those that were there, once upon a time, and the sound of crickets.

As we are growing up, we are told to ask for help when we need it. For me, this implies that asking for help is met with, well, help. This has not been my own personal experience. I’ve seen it happen consistently for so many but not so much for me and I have to admit that it leaves me wondering what is wrong with me? Why are people so willing to help others but not me? Am I undeserving of receiving help when I need it? Or am I only allowed to ask for help with certain things, like information?

I always try to help people out as much as I can. This doesn’t always mean that I want to, but I know what it is like to need help and not find it. Does this mean I just have the wrong people in my life? Maybe. I guess I don’t really know and, since this is something that has been lifelong, I am doubting this is the only reason. Not everyone in my life can be someone who shouldn’t be, could they?

Yes, I know this sounds a bit like a whiny pity party, and maybe it is a little bit, but mostly I’m just trying to figure out why it is that I am unworthy of the same treatment I see others receive. I already don’t seem to fit in pretty much anywhere, or at least not for long, and this just seems to enlarge that feeling. What makes people look at me so differently?

My mom has said many times that I always land on my feet, and I guess that is mostly true, but what isn’t mentioned is that so many times I end up landing on broken feet in a pile of shit. Yes, I’ve landed, I’m upright, but there is no way I can maintain that for long – broken feet don’t hold much for long – and everyone seems to ignore the pile of shit I’ve landed in. If you land in shit, does it still count as a successful landing? Does it imply that help is no longer needed?

I’ve always been a pretty fiercely independent person, wanting to do things on my own, to a fault I’m afraid. I’m horrible at maintaining relationships. I’ve been living the life of a poor person for longer than I care to think about. Perhaps these are the reasons people disappear when I need help.

There are so many stories of someone being in a really bad spot, needing help desperately, throwing a blanket call for help without any expectation of it being met, and having not only people come and help but have people show up and do way more than was needed, life changing more. I guess I put some serious stock in these stories because, when I am needing help, desperate help, I throw out the blanket call, hoping at least someone will be willing to help out to the best of their ability, and end up with no response, crickets. (Well, there was that one time when we were stuck in Idaho. One of my friends rescued us in such a thorough way, I was speechless and grateful beyond reason. There is nothing I won’t do for her.)

Here’s an example. I have a few crowdfunding fundraisers going to try to get some help with our current ‘have to move, somewhere, somehow’ issue we have going on. I have asked for $10000, with the thought that we could buy a small piece of land, probably without utilities, to call home base. Yes, the no utilities part  would suck, but at least there would be some place to land that would allow us to not be at the whim of others in that respect and not have to worry about having to move our gypsy camp ever again. Now, I know that $10000 is a lot of money, but if only 500 people donated a mere $20 each, the goal would be met. Unfortunately, after a week, there has not even been one donation. Not one. Not a single one. What am I supposed to think about that? What I am thinking is that I am all alone on this and actual complete homelessness is where we are headed.

I’m not sure why I even thought the crowdfunders would be of any help. I couldn’t even get one donation toward helping me buy a much needed vacuum cleaner when I was still cleaning full-time, and that was a ton less money. I am in this thing called life pretty much on my own, apparently, with the occasional help from friends and family, which I know makes me sound ungrateful to those that have helped when they have. On the contrary. I am extremely grateful for the help that has come, when it has come, from those it has come from. I guess I am just feeling desperate about my current situation and am really needing help with it and not seeing any help coming. It doesn’t help that I am terrified that I won’t be able to figure this all out on my own.

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About dragonflygypsyusa

Over-thinker with way too much availability to the internet to research whatever might come to mind, amateur photographer, dog enthusiast, learning every day, working on finding my undamaged self.
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