Moody Laptop, School, and Rising Strong…

I swear my laptop is as moody as I can be sometimes. Yesterday, my laptop just couldn’t seem to get loaded up all the way to anything, most things. This morning, boots right up and zips to whatever I am directing it toward. Only difference between yesterday and today with the laptop? It’s a new day. I’m grateful for its compliance this morning, so far.

I have been finding it a bit difficult to write, lately. I write about what’s going on in my life and I have become bored. I don’t do a whole lot: work, the dogs, audiobooks. Though the dogs and audiobooks are two staples in my life, touchstones of sort, it can be a bit monotonous sometimes. Same thing, different day.

I know this is part of where the whole desire to go back to school comes from. Yes, I want to be able to change my life and be able to do something that doesn’t continue to damage my body. It’s definitely a large driving force in my desire for school, but it’s not the only large one.

Boredom is something that is not mentally healthy for me. I’ve learned that the hard way. I also know that I get bored really, really easily. I think…no. I know this is part of why I have found audiobooks so interesting and have scoured the library catalogue for every audiobook I can find in areas that interest me, and have been willing to try new topics. I circle back to certain ones because they are what I find myself drawn to, again and again. I have learned so much.

If I could figure out, or have someone show/tell me, how I become a professional student with the capability to support my family while doing so, I would run with that like an Olympic athlete. Psychology, theology, animal behavior, photography, writing…the list goes on. A girl can dream.

the man in the arena - Theodore Roosevelt

the man in the arena – Theodore Roosevelt

I have been listening to Brene Brown’s Rising Strong.  What a great book! I am learning so much about myself. I am learning so much about getting up after you have found yourself face down in the dirt in whatever arena you find yourself in: relationship issues, parenting, work, life, friends, whatever your arena may be or may show up in your life. “The truth is that falling hurts. The dare is to keep being brave and feel your way back up” (Brene Brown, Rising Strong, Ch 2).

I love that Brene Brown talks about vulnerability. I have always thought of myself as being someone who feels too much and am terrified of being found vulnerable. Vulnerability has always been shown to be a weakness along my path, something to avoid at all cost. For someone like myself, someone who feels too much too much of the time, in my own opinion, figuring out how not to be vulnerable in almost every situation has been a struggle. I find that I avoid many situations where vulnerability is key to moving forward. Putting myself out there is nerve-wracking, to say the least, completely loaded with fear. After listening to a number of Brene’s books, I am pushing myself to let go of the need to protect myself and find the strength to find comfort in my vulnerabilities, to find strength in them. I have kept myself from so much by trying to keep my heart safe. The pay out may not have been as great as I had once believed.

Well, I had better get to going. I’m cleaning by myself today since Lance has been working up north the last few days. I hope everyone has a great day and that my laptop allows me to return tomorrow.

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About dragonflygypsyusa

Over-thinker with way too much availability to the internet to research whatever might come to mind, amateur photographer, dog enthusiast, learning every day, working on finding my undamaged self.
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