I’m sitting here in the dark after a long day. I haven’t gotten to sit alone in the dark for a long time. Its something I like to do from time to time. Its time to myself, though it isn’t really. My thoughts are hanging out with me. The dark takes away their shyness. Or perhaps it is just the still silence that brings them to a more noticeable position. At any rate, they are here and it is comforting.
I have to admit that my mind is the most comfortable place for me. Sure, there are the thoughts that circle around for attention that I find less than desirable and moderately uncomfortable but this doesn’t change the cotton soft feel of being alone with my thoughts. It is a great time for reflection, a time to see the progress I’ve made in areas that I have been working on and to acknowledge what still needs to be tended to. Its safe. The only judgement that happens when I sit in the dark is from me and, when its dark, I seem to be more capable of either graciously accepting the judgements or gently handing the judgement out. I’m not sure which it is.
The exact same scenario in the light has a different effect. I think the light provides too vivid a spot light. There are no shadows in which to hide. When I sit outside in the darkness, without the company of the energies of any of my family members distracting me from spending time with myself, I find inner peace. I fully relax. Sure, my mind is going but there is no tension to it. I can lovingly look at myself, flaws and all, and not feel…inadequate. I am perfect in these moments. Strong. Capable. Gentle. Loving. Accepting.
Maybe that is really what is going on here in the dark. I allow myself to be content and accept me just as I am. Does that sound weird? Corny? I don’t know. At the moment, I don’t think I really care if it does. I’m ok right now. Or maybe I’m more ok with not being ok right now, because I’m not. Not really.
I mean, I’m ok. I’m making it through my day-to-day life without having to feel like there are amends to be made or that there are people I will never be comfortable around because of some silly mistake I made. Despite there still being money issues, I am working hard to change that and seeing some progress. I’m doing the left foot, right foot shuffle…and its not very soul rewarding. But, on the other hand, I’m not ok. My marriage is going through something and it is leaving me wondering where it is going if anywhere. I feel stuck in the perpetual pursuit of finding calm inside of this chaotic life of mine. I’m tired of the struggle. Its lonely feeling like you’re the only one that cares about you, even when you know that isn’t true. I don’t know how to change it and that bothers me.
I’ve come to realize I write a lot about the soul. There have been times when I have worried if this makes some people think that this is a christian blog or something. It’s not that at all. I have my own belief system which doesn’t have a book or hymns. I am in touch with the center of myself, the world of energy around me, and that seems to be working out just fine for me. Well, that is, until I try to explain it to someone with some religious convictions.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not knocking what works for someone else. If being a christian, following the word of God, works for you, brings you peace and joy, then, by all means, stick with that. I am happy for you. You have found something that so many are looking for. I just wish that more people would have the same feeling when they come upon the fact that I am not connected to any orthodox religion. I have had way too many people say that I should, need to, must be saved due to my lack of religious affections. It hurts my feelings. I don’t need saving in that respect. I’m not lost. I’m not hovering in a corner waiting for a sign that there is more. I’m making the best of what is in front of me, the pleasures that saunter through my life and either stay or move on.
But I don’t really want to get into a huge theological debate or rant. I have had many of those, most of them enjoyable, and this is not the right time for me. Right now, I just want to let my mind do what it needs to do and allow my fingers to write it down for me to see. So why am I writing on here? It felt right. It was what I was drawn to do tonight in the midst of hanging out in the dark with my thoughts.
There are times when I am falling asleep and the thoughts haven’t quite settled down, yet, when I think I want to hop online, go straight to this blog, and vomit everything that is going on in my life that I am less than content with. Just say screw it and let it flow. I don’t think that’s appropriate though. No one really wants to hear about my problems because, though some of them seem like big problems, they are only so because they are mine. I am intimate with them, having feelings involved in them, have plans or the beginning of plans to deal with them. To someone else, my problems may seem trivial. Maybe not. It doesn’t really matter. I guess I’m just too inhibited to throw all of my shit pile on the fire in front of the world.
I have dreams. Big dreams. Ideas. Things I want so desperately to become real but am uncertain about how to make that happen or feel too buried in what is in front of me to do anything about them except dream them. I don’t want to be one of those people who looks back on their life from their death-bed with regrets about what they could have, should have, done that they didn’t. I know I’m only 43 years old and have lots of life to live, yet, but, sometimes, it feel like life is just slipping through my oil-drenched fingers. It’s not that I haven’t started on figuring out how to make some of those dreams come true, because I have. I’ve even made some of my dreams come true. What gets me is that, in my pursuit of a dream, I seem to always end up in a place that feels like my current life is too much in conflict with the dream I’m wanting to make real for it to be a possibility. I know that shouldn’t stop me, but often times, it does. The hill looks too steep to climb, the trolls are blocking the path, and I can’t seem to get this damn shackle of poverty off my ankle. I know that allowing that one thought to stop me from moving forward, from suiting up, climbing the hill, battling the trolls, achieving the dream is me defeating myself. Yet, I put the dream back in the box and don’t look at it again for quite some time, if ever. I know, I know. Fall down a thousand times, get up one thousand and one. I’m working on it.
Anyway, I’m feeling sleepy now. Thank you for allowing me to introduce you to my thoughts in the dark. Oh! And by the way, for anyone following my quitting smoking progress: I only smoked 5 cigarettes today. :-)