Another Focusing on the Positive series, Thanksgiving Plans, Childlike…

I’m thinking I need to do another Focusing on the Positive series, or something like that. It may improve my overall mood. I really enjoyed doing the last one and a few of the FotP posts get hits daily, so apparently some of you out there have enjoyed the series, too. I don’t want to do it exactly as I did before, so it is going to be a minute or two before I start another Focusing on the Positive series. I have to figure out the format I want to use. Definitely open to suggestions.

The flood warning is still in effect and has been extended until Friday. I, obviously, made it to all my destinations and home, again, yesterday without incident. I didn’t have to deal with any of the rush hour traffic as I left home after the morning round and didn’t get done with the clean until just after 7pm so, thankfully, missed the evening round.

I hate getting home so late. I feel like I am not being a good dog parent when I do. They spend so much time on their own. When we are leaving in the morning, the dogs have been giving us the sad puppy eyes and Enzo has taken to trying to just follow us out the door/gate. I long for a perfect world.

It is going to be just Lance and me for Thanksgiving. My kids have made their plans. As I said yesterday, my daughter is spending the holiday with her boyfriend. My son has made plans with one of his other sisters to go spend time with that side of the family. We have a small turkey which we will cook but I don’t see Lance and I making it into a full-out Thanksgiving dinner.

Sometimes, I miss the holidays of my childhood. We would go to my maternal grandparents. My mom is one of four children, so it was a large gathering: aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Those holidays were a lot of fun. I guess, maybe I’m just missing that family connection.

I have spent a good portion of my life keeping my family, the ones I grew up with, at arm’s length. I was screwing up my life, whether or not I realized it at the time, and didn’t want anyone telling me just how I should be living my life, what I should be doing that I wasn’t. I wouldn’t have been able to recognize the advice for what it was: love and caring.

It doesn’t help that I am absolutely horrible at keeping in touch. I mean to, I really do, but I get busy, whether its life busy or mind busy, and the next thing  I know, its been months since I have thought of getting in touch with any of my family, though I have thought about them many times. I know that keeping in touch is a two-way street but I can’t expect my family to walk up to a door that I have kept closed for so long. Besides, most of the time I am so busy I don’t really have the time to talk should anyone call.

I wish I lived closer, but I can’t honestly say that would provide any extra reconnection time. My best friend of over 25 years lives about half an hour away and we never see each other. Sometimes, I just wish I was a little kid, again, and could crawl up on the laps of my parents and just rest in that pure protection and love only a parent can provide.

Heavy Rain, Drivers Around Here, Be Safe Out There…

Well, I’m draggin’ butt today. I really have no desire to head out and drive in the heavy rain that is coming down today. There is a flood warning in effect, which means the roads are going to be water-logged.

You would think that the people of the Greater Seattle area would be pretty good at driving in the rain since we have so much of it, but I can attest, after almost 25 years of living here, that isn’t the case. There is bound to be quite a few accidents out there today and I really am hoping, and praying, that I am not included in one of them. Sigh. It is a fear for me.

Accidents are horrible (duh). If everyone that got behind the wheel of their car around here with the notion that heavy rains mean to slow it down a bit, be a bit more cautious and aware, pay more attention to where the cars around you are and the small lakes that form on the roadway, I wouldn’t be so…worried about driving in the rain. unfortunately, this isn’t how it goes. Way too many get in their car and head out like there is no rain happening at all, despite their windshield wipers going at high speed.

One of the things that amazes me is that most of the vehicles that I see driving at high speeds and weaving through the more cautious drivers tend to be smaller cars, the ones most likely to hydroplane. Its times like these that I think everyone should be required to take a personality test to determine the best vehicle for them to drive in every type of weather. If these little peppy-go-getter drivers were pushed into a bigger vehicle, maybe it would decrease the number of accidents on the road by at least a little. Then, again, maybe their personality test would show that they probably shouldn’t EVER be behind the wheel of a car. Yeah, I’m judging a bit. I guess I just don’t understand why anyone would want to take such chances with not only their own life but the life of those around them, while sitting inside something that has been known to kill way too many.

I know this may make me sound like a nervous driver, and I guess, at times, I sort of am. I wouldn’t say that I am one of the over-cautious drivers that can be as much of a hazard as the speed demons. I think I fall somewhere in the middle. I drive according to weather conditions, know how my vehicle is going to react to different conditions, am educated on what to do should my vehicle happen to start to hydroplane, and try to always be aware of an escape route should there be the need to get out of the way of another driver.

Whenever I see another vehicle flying through the road lakes, I always have a few different thoughts that run through my mind, simultaneously. The first is “idiot.” I know, completely spiritual thinking there. The second thought is that I hope they don’t cause an accident or get in one. The third is always that I am grateful I am nowhere near them and that they are moving further away.

I have some driving to do today. My clean is about 15 miles away, I have to drop my daughter at the transit center in downtown Puyallup (12 miles away from home, in the opposite direction of my clean) because she is going to her boyfriend’s place for Thanksgiving, and, then, there is always the drive back home. I am hoping to finish the clean before rush hour traffic gets started this afternoon and there are way too many people on the roads and freeways.

For all of those in this area that are planning to drive today, be careful out there. Make it to your destinations, safely. For everyone else dealing with your own weather traps, I hope you make it to your destinations safely, as well. May everyone’s day end with no bad having happened.

Trying to Make the Best of it With a Grumpy Face…

Well, my daughter is finally getting to sleep in her 5th wheel. Last night was night three. We aren’t completely done with fixing the different things that need fixing, but enough of it is done that she could no longer wait to be in her own space. I love that about her.

I’m a ‘my own space’ kind of girl, myself. The space I get to call ‘my own’ is where I sit with my laptop and blog. It’s not much and it doesn’t completely embody the whole ‘my space’ idea, but it is better than nothing. You have to take what you have until you can get what you want. I make the best of it.

I’m going through space issues, lately. Living in a travel trailer or rv or 5th wheel doesn’t provide much space. Well, ok. The much newer, way more expensive ones provide a lot more space than our mid-70’s, 20-22 feet long versions that we paid less than $1000 each. In my case, you then have to add another person and four large dogs to the picture. Cramped is putting it mildly.

There have been times over the last almost 6 years that the limited spacing has bothered me but, for the most part, I’ve just accepted the limitations, left foot, right foot, repeat. Its been our situation and a million times better than sleeping under a bridge or something like that, I would imagine. I’ve been grateful just to have a roof over my head and a place to call home base.

I’m still grateful but I want more. This is not a life but an existence. At least, that is how it is feeling. I go to work, I come home to take care of the family I love so dearly, then get up the next day to do it, again. I know that is just kind of life, in general, but…well…there isn’t a whole lot of me time available and that time is way too valuable to not have. In a house, we actually have space to get away from each other.

I know that sounds bad, in a way, but it’s not about not loving my family members. It’s about needing the time to be alone, something I think is important for everyone. There is always someone wanting/needing my attention and I have no place that I can go to take a break from that, to reconnect with me, to refuel.

I’m whining. I also want to blame…someone that isn’t me…for this situation. I know I have my part to own, and I’m more than willing to do that. I just wish I didn’t feel like the only one fighting to make my/our life easier, more comfortable, less cramped, more…normal. RV living has taken its toll, on all of us.

I’d like to apologize to those that read my blog regularly. I know I have not been very upbeat, lately. I’m going through something and I’m trying to work it out or, at the very least, let The Committee process it and come back to me with some ideas for solutions. Bare with me. I’ll get there. Hopefully soon, because I find the negativity that I seem to be stuck in quite annoying. I hate not being able to find the positives and hold on to them, not negate them immediately.

A Trip to Home Depot, A Heavy Heart, and a Day Dream…

Sometimes, this world is a bit much to take, especially living in a city, where all of life’s dysfunctions show up in hordes. I’ve been seeing a lot of ambulances, fire trucks, and police vehicles with their lights and sound going. Its heart-breaking. I think my daughter is really feeling it, lately, too.

We had gone to Home Depot last night to get a light box for her 5th wheel. A trip to Home D is never just a trip for the items that spurred the voyage in the first place for me and my daughter. We love to walk around and look at area rugs, feel them for comfort level (“could I nap on this” is our gauge), look at tile and plan imaginary projects we could do with tile, matching this tile with that tile and perhaps that accent set as well, doors, windows, appliances, etc. We like to day dream.

After wandering a bit, we purchased the light box and a curtain rod. As we were driving home, an ambulance and fire truck came flying by, lights and siren blaring. In unison, we both said “Uh-oh.” I always hope that, wherever the fire truck(s), ambulance(s), or police vehicle(s) are headed, that everyone ends up ok. I guess I have passed this on to my daughter.

About a minute or two down the road, we saw where the fire truck and ambulance had gone to. My daughter said, “Oh God. They’re right there.” Not really knowing how to reply, I let her know we were actually going to have to go past them. Our turn was about a block after where they were. As we drove past, she said “I hope everyone is going to be ok.” I nodded in agreement, the weight in my heart feeling heavier than normal. Sometimes, these realities are hard to take.

I think seeing such things around this time of year, say October through January, is especially difficult for us. This is the time of year that we have lost so many that we have loved. Its heart-breaking to think of anyone going through a loss or tragedy at all, but during the holidays, when everyone is supposed to be experiencing joy, happiness, love at levels higher than the rest of the year, seeing some of the less than happy realities of this world, of life, seems that more tragic. It can be overwhelming. It always leaves me wishing we didn’t live in/near a large city so as to not see so much of it.

My dream living location is out away from most everything – in the woods, in the country, somewhere where you can drive for miles and not see another soul. Oh! And, of course, it would be warm with extremely mild winters. Sure, I love the conveniences that living in/near a city provides, but there is something to be said for the small towns or remote living situations. I know that all of the regular tragedies of the world aren’t going to go away because they are no longer in my face, everyday, but some distance between me and them would definitely make it a little easier to deal with. Besides, I would have soooo many opportunities to pull out my camera to see what I can see.

I know, I know…there are tons of things that can be photographed right where I am, but I think that I stop seeing them because of all of what I don’t want to see. Or maybe it just I’m too used to seeing whats around me that I have stopped actually seeing it. That thought is depressing in some ways.

Maybe my actual dream location for living isn’t a single location at all. I have been known to day dream about seeing every place in the world with my camera attached to me like an odd appendage. I’m sure there are probably places that I would end up thinking “Why did I think I wanted to see this?,” places of devastation, sickness, but I would hope that I could find the beauty that is found in everything, even in the less than desirable things.

But, as I said, this is a day dream. If I should happen to reach the financial position where this could become a reality…well, let’s just say that I would be earning some severe frequent flyer miles and need a larger cache for posting all the photos I’d be taking. This day dream makes me smile and my soul yearn to be there.


Venus and New moon in Sagittarius


New beginnings! What a great thought to start the day!! Enjoy!

Originally posted on Among Stars:

Tomorrow (November 22nd) will bring a new moon in the adventurous and independent sign of Sagittarius. A new moon in this fire sign sets a tone of freedom, wisdom and enthusiasm. All new moons are about new beginnings but because this new moon will be at 0 degrees (the very beginning of a sign on the ecliptic)  of Sagittarius at the same degree as the Sun it will create an excellent space for new beginnings. Use this fresh and fiery energy and set intentions on higher truths, make room for new ideas and inspirations,  and embark on new adventures. This new moon will also form a wide trine with Uranus in Aries and Jupiter in Leo. I definitely feel a major shift in energy and welcome this fire energy with open arms.  This new moon also meets up with Venus who entered Sagittarius on November 16th. With Venus leaving Scorpio and…

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The Committee and Sleep(lessness)…

I hate when I get to this point. I’m tired, grumpy, discontent and know that if I would just lie down and take a nap, I would feel much better, but I decide to take care of everything else but myself. Its dumb.

I’ve gotten so far into this today that I can’t sleep. I tried. I laid down, snuggled into my comfy cozy down quilt, arranged my pillow just right, and closed my eyes, prepared to just let go and drift over the edge into nothingness. Of course, this is about the time The Committee decides they have my undivided attention and begin to prattle on and on about everything and nothing. I begin my mantra of “clear…clear…clear.”

I picked that mantra about 15 years ago when I was going through a lot of long, sleepless nights due to not being able to get my head to shut up. Ruminating, I believe the therapist I was seeing at the time called it. The Committee would begin its incessant jabbering, anything and everything from how they feel I managed my way through the day to trying to come up with the master plan to take over the world. Once I would realize what was happening, I would begin to think “clear…clear…clear.” I wanted to clear my mind. Mostly, I just wanted The Committee to stuff a sock in it. This method worked most of the time, though not all of the time.

I think its time for a new mantra. It seems as if The Committee has come to realize what I have been attempting to accomplish with the clear mantra and they get louder, more insistent that what they have to say and/or report is of the utmost importance and I must pay attention. They listen to the mantra for a minute or so then go on with what they were saying, as if to say to me “Yeah, yeah, we hear you, but that’s just too bad. There are things that must be done, must be solved, must be pondered. You’ll get enough sleep when you’re dead, lazy butt.” The Committee can be such a bully sometimes.

So, here I sit, writing, wishing I were sleeping, eyes burning, fuming at The Committee and the inability to find the right medication cocktail over the last 10 years to alleviate some of this. Yes, I’m pouting like a two-year old that needs a nap. So what? I’ve tried the rational route and that didn’t work out so well this time. Maybe I just need a good cry to relieve some of the ‘pressure.’ The downside to that is that I really don’t cry anymore. I’m too busy trying to keep it together so that I can continue to keep this gypsy camp alive. I’m finding myself more outwardly emotionally numb. My emotions have become thoughts, for the most part, and not much else. That is, unless I have a complete meltdown.  Ugh…left foot, right foot, repeat.

Naps, Coyotes, Sunrise, Field of Serenity…

I didn’t get to take a nap yesterday. How I wish I still had the time for napping. I think they had it right in kindergarten. I don’t know why, after kindergarten, napping was removed from the daily schedule. I am a firm believer that this world we live in would be a completely different place if naps were part of everyone’s daily schedule. And recess.

This is going to be a pretty short post this morning. I’m going to be grabbing my camera, hopping in the van and heading over to the Field of Serenity. Lance and the dogs have been seeing some coyotes in the mornings and I would like to try to get a picture of one or more of them. Lance has said they are pretty good-looking coyotes, not all mangy and thin.

I’ve seen a coyote like this just once, out in the woods in Idaho, back when I used to go hunting for deer. It was so nice looking that I thought I had seen the face of a wolf. I’ll admit that caused some fear but it was greatly tempered by excitement. Thankfully, the guy I was with then assured me it was a coyote, that they are scavengers, going for the easiest prey, and they are more scared of me. I’ll admit this gave me a new perspective on coyotes, which I had always believed were like many stray dogs: mean and worse for wear.

I hoping to get a picture of a really nice sunrise, as well. Lance has informed me that I have missed a few that would have been perfect. Its been quite a while since I’ve picked up my camera. Maybe this trip with my camera is exactly what I need to push through the discontent that has been clinging on to me like a leech, sucking all the good out of the world.

My daughter and I have been having some discussions about mental illnesses. It has gotten me thinking about myself. I have gone with my original diagnosis of bipolar for quite a few years now, despite the diagnosis changing over the years. I’ve looked through the libraries catalog in an attempt to find some audiobooks about different mental illnesses, to better educate myself, but there are none in our library system. Perhaps I will look on Amazon and see what I find.

Well, I’d better go put my contacts in and grab my camera. Lance and the dogs headed out about 10 minutes ago so I should be getting to the Field of Serenity about the same time they get there. I’ll post pics later on The Lens of My Camera if I get any that I feel are worth posting. Have an amazing day, everyone!!!

Its Warmer, Asking for Advice, and What I’ve Listened To…

I am happy to report that it is 40 degrees out this morning. The gloves are off, I’m not trying to write as fast as I can before my fingers freeze, and it feels almost ‘warm.’ I still have layers on, of course, but considering it is twice as warm as it was all last week, I’m liking it despite the rain.

I have had something circling around my head for a few days now. I’m trying to deal with something that really bugs me, trying to figure out how I want to, need to, deal with it. I’m trying to decide if I am making a mountain out of a mole hill.

I have no tolerance for lies. They are the biggest form of disrespect, in my opinion. When I was younger, still doing my best to screw up to the best of my ability, lies rolled off my tongue with ease. I’m not that person, anymore. I’m doing everything I can to improve my life, to move forward, to the best of my ability. Part of that process started when I got clean almost 10 years ago.

For me, part of getting clean meant getting clean in my actions. Not lying was a huge part of that, and the less I lied, the more honest I became, the less tolerance I had for the lies of others. I have come to the philosophy that if you can lie to me, then I don’t need you around.

Somehow, despite the fact that I was screwing up my life at the time, I managed to teach my kids that I wasn’t ok with lying. I guess, when you get to the heart of it, I have never been ok with being lied to. Now that I don’t lie at all, I’m honest almost to a fault, it irritates me extremely a lot to be lied to at all. The worst lies for me are the little lies that serve no purpose that I can begin to see.

I’m not talking about the little white lies that are told in an attempt to save someone’s feelings (I don’t participate in these either) but the lies that are told to try to gain favor or present an inaccurate picture of someone (themself). I find these lies to be incredible stupid and a huge waste of time. They are always either very obvious or bound to be found out eventually and usually not that far in the future. The worst part is when one of these little, stupid, unimportant lies are told to me by someone who I trust. And this is where my dilemma comes in.

I have had someone who I care about tell me a lie such as this just recently. I had a feeling it was a lie when it was told, and I should have said something right then and there, but didn’t. I, instead, verified my belief through someone else, someone who I knew would have the information I needed to either rule the lie out because it didn’t happen or confirm that the lie did indeed happen. I was really hoping that I was wrong about the lie, so finding out that I was right about the lie didn’t help with the feelings of betrayal. I also don’t know how I am going to proceed from here because I know confronting the person at this point will just end up being a fruitless endeavor: I’ll confront, as not aggressively as possible. They will deny. I will provide that facts I have. They will get upset for me doubting them (why is this a part of the lying practice?). We will argue our sides. Nothing will be resolved and I will be even more frustrated, hurt, than I was before. No solution. Seeing as this is someone that I need to deal with on a regular basis, as part of my life, just omitting the person from my life is not an option, or at least not an option that I can see. And, no, it is not one of my kids.

So, that is where I am at with that. If anyone would like to leave me some advice on how I might come to either let this go or a more successful way of talking with the person about it, please don’t hesitate to leave me a comment below. I’ve always been the type of person to try to figure it out on my own. This time, I am asking for outside help. Thank you in advance, should anyone share their advice.

I listened to Put Your Heart on the Page by Anne Perry yesterday. It was ok. I did hear some information that I believe will be useful in the future but, for the most part, this seemed to be a promotion of the stories this author has written. I’m a little disappointed by this because I was hoping for something else, but I guess that falls into the whole placing expectations category. Walking in with an open mind is something I am still working on when it comes to some books.

the last lecture

the last lecture

After listening to Put Your Heart on the Page, I chose The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch. It was good. I enjoyed it and it sounds like this guy really followed his childhood dreams along his life and has chosen to deal with his impending death due to pancreatic cancer with as much care and responsibility as he can. He wants to leave something that his very young children, the oldest being just 5, can possibly learn more about him from. He wants to make sure his wife is helped through the process of moving forward with her life after his death. Randy Pausch shares his life story, the bits of wisdom he has collected and utilized over his lifetime, tells us about the people who made the largest impact on him, and his view of life in general.

I am not sure if I will listen to anything today. I have the day off and will be taking care of things around home, for the most part. Part of what I’m taking care of today will be the dishes (it’s a never-ending battle in a travel trailer) and I would most likely listen to one then if I wasn’t trying to get through the Supernatural series so my son can talk to SOMEONE about it. Maybe I’ll listen to The Ultimate Happiness Prescription by Deepak Chopra when I take a nap, which is going to happen one way or another today, gosh darn it.

Have the most amazing day today, Everyone!! Don’t forget to hold on to your dreams!!

More Audiobooks, Hamster Wheel of Sleeplessness, A Tattoo Christmas Present…

I’ve downloaded a bunch of audiobooks onto my phone this morning. The End of Faith by Sam Harris, The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch and Jeffery Zaslow, Put Your Heart on the Page by Anne Perry, Ultimate Happiness Prescription by Deepak Chopra, War of the Worldviews by Deepak Chopra and Leonard Mlodinow, and one or two others. I’m not sure which one I am going to listen to next. Probably Put Your Heart on the Page, An Introduction to Writing. Its only one disc, one hour-long so I’ll be listening to more than one of them today. I’m trying to decide between The Last Lecture and The End of Faith.

I didn’t sleep very well, last night. I kept waking up and then my mind would get to going, mostly on the things I want to change in my life, of which there are many. I think this is why I downloaded the audiobooks this morning. Many of the things I want to change in my life are things that are going to need some planning, some time, and a whole lot of patience and determination. Of course, these are all things that I want to change right now, not however long in the future. So, I am giving my brain a direction, a couple of them today, so it will stop running on the hamster wheel and the committee can work on the things I want to change, in the background, silently.

My schedule is pretty open between now and the beginning of December. No one really wants to move during the holidays. Its ok, though. I have just enough cleans, in addition to the common areas at the condo complex, that my next check will cover what needs to be covered. No extras, but that’s ok.

I’m wanting to get myself a new tattoo for Christmas. Its been about a year since I got my last tattoo, the paw prints down my neck, and I think I’ve been good, getting my budget in order, and not running out for a tattoo whenever I have wanted to, despite my mischievous side trying to manipulate the budget I’ve been working on to include a tattoo. Here’s the tattoo I want to get:

mind, body, spirit

mind, body, spirit

Above it, I want to put Mind, Body, Spirit and below it Student, Teacher, Master. I’m not sure where I am going to put this one. There are parts of me that are not a good idea because of the work I do, like my hands or most of my forearms. I don’t want to put a tattoo on either hand, so that’s not a problem, but I have considered putting this tattoo on the inner forearm of my right arm. I’ve been trying to pay attention while I am cleaning to see if the area would be negatively affected by cleaning solutions. So far, I think it might be an ok spot.

Since it is winter, there are a lot of other available areas I could choose that wouldn’t work out so well due to the clothing I need to wear to combat the cold. Top of left foot is out. Left ankle, too, because of socks. I think this tattoo would be a great one for the back of the neck, but that’s already covered with a dragon hatchling. My back is covered. Both sides of my neck are covered. I’ll figure it out. I’ve got some time.

Well, I had better go get ready for the clean I have today. Have a day full of amazing surprises that fill your up, Everyone!!!