I have been avoiding writing. There is so much I am wanting to get out of my head and almost all of it no one really wants to hear about…again. Ok. Maybe it’s not exactly the same as any time before but it’s another Mieke story so everyone is pretty much tired of hearing about those. But I’m not ok.
I woke up this morning around 3am, crying. I have no idea what I may have been dreaming about or if I had been dreaming at all, but the tears did not stop with the opening of my eyes. There were no deep sobs, not your typical cry that wracks your whole body, only tears and a feeling of devastating loss. I crawled out of bed after about 10 minutes of waiting for the tears to stop. 20 minutes after that, the tears were still falling in rivers down my face.
It’s now 5:30am. The tears have stopped, the feeling of devastating loss isn’t there.
There is so much I want to say. I want to scream at… I don’t know. I am so overwhelmed and, despite many attempts at finding the solution to our latest ‘catastrophe,’ have no idea how to move forward from here.
The RV is down, again. This time, I’m not sure I can get it up and going. Even if I do, I know it is a temporary fix. There is the ticking time bomb of our slipping transmission, making any repairs I do now seem pointless, especially if I have to spend money on the fix. OK. I have already spent some money trying to get this hunk of crap moving yet again and the feeling was beyond horrible. Throwing money at what appears to be a lost cause never feels good. I guess the RV and I have that in common.
I wish so much that I could just walk away from this RV and get into something else but, since this is also my home, it isn’t quite that easy to do with my finances, or lack of them.
I have applied to a number of gigs advertised on Craigslist but nothing yet. Of course, these are for the things I know how to do that my body no longer does well or without pain, but what else am I supposed to do? I have less than a week to get the POS mobile and I can see no way that is going to happen. Maybe I need to take the very limited funding I have to my name at the moment and just buy a tent. I think I have enough left after buying the parts I have that haven’t fixed the problem. I have no idea where I would put any of my belongings that are in this RV. I have no idea how we would stay warm. I have no idea of how we would make a tent work with our three dogs. I guess I’m going to be finding out soon though.