The New Sleep, RV update, ‘Do Not Disturb’…

My sleep pattern is all messed up still but I’ve got a system that I think is working for me. Well, at least for getting sleep. My usual wake up times are 2:30 and around 3:30 am but instead of just staying up for the rest of the day I have been going back to bed about a couple or 3 hours after I wake up. The great thing is that these ‘naps’ usually last for about as long as I was awake. Unfortunately, this sometimes leaves me wanting to take a nap in the early afternoon. It’s almost as if I have limited awake time before I need to sleep and recharge.

For the most part, currently, this isn’t too horrible. I’m not working and, other than trying to figure out how to get into the remote work force, I’m not really looking because I have no idea where I will be in about 3-ish weeks when we leave Lance’s brother’s place. I’ll get that figured out, I hope. With my sleep pattern, I wouldn’t really be able to work a regular job anyway – I’d be falling asleep on the job. I can’t wait until this all gets sorted out because I’m getting a bit stir crazy during the hours I am awake. Ugh.

I had a mechanic come out on Saturday to do an extended diagnosis on the RV. It turns out that the brand new alternator we bought when we were stuck on the side of the off ramp a few months ago isn’t working. Well that sucks. At least I’ve kept the receipt and can take it back so it won’t be more out going money. After I replace that, I just need to find a hi-torque starter with the electrical connection on the right side. I think I found one but it will be hard to know for sure until I have it in my hands. The only thing other than the starter that I want to pick up is the deep sump transmission pan. It’s not going to do a whole lot but with the larger fluid capacity it will help the transmission stay a little cooler. which should help overall a bit.

We put the base coat on the roof yesterday. Now, we wait a couple of days and put the first layer of flex coat on. I have to check the bucket to see how long we have to wait to put on the second layer of flex coat but, by next weekend, we should be ready to go back into the campground system, again. Its going to be so nice to not need to tarp off anymore, especially since they really don’t allow that in system.

I have to admit that I am actually looking forward to going back into system. Where we are parked at Lance’s brother’s place, we only have electric hook-up and can no longer dump our tanks here – something about dry drains or something like that. We make things work this way but… well, lets just say its come time for us to move forward. Lance’s brother gave us until the end of this month, originally, but we are ready, emotionally, to move on. No, nothing bad has happened. We still have until the end of the month. It’s just time, for all involved. They need their space back, we need ours, no bad feelings anywhere.

I’ve had my phone on ‘do not disturb’ for the past 3 weeks or so and I have to say I’m liking the quiet. I find I am so less attached to my phone, even forgetting it at home sometimes or not knowing where I put it down. I’ve figured out how to let certain phone calls through so I now have it set where phone calls from the kids, my husband, and my best friend still make the phone ring. Well, unless they are using Facebook to call. I check voicemail a few times a day to see if any of the calls I don’t hear were important. I don’t know if this is some form of isolation but it has definitely made me a bit less electronically obsessed.

 

Advertisements
Posted in Left foot, right foot, repeat | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Much Needed Sleep; Working on “What Now?”…

Sleep! Glorious sleep! The last two nights have been amazing! The night before last I ended up getting 6 hours of sleep (woot!) and then, last night, I slept for 7 1/2 hours!!!!! SO excited about this. It seems a bit early for stopping the meds to be having an effect, yet, but it truly is the only thing that has changed. Whatever it is, I have gotten some real sleep and I’m feeling pretty great this morning. Finally.

Do I believe this is the end of the sleeping problems? I’m hoping so. I think it may be a bit premature to believe I have solved this issue but what a grand thing that would be! Fingers are crossed, super crossed, that is for sure.

I have reached a point in this whole not working thing where I am bored beyond reason. Sure, I’m piddle paddling around with this thing or that, things that need to be done, things I’ve wanted to have the time to complete, but, as entertained as I believed these things would keep me, they are all starting to feel like the chores they truly are. Ugh. When did my plans of fun begin to include chores???

I’ve been researching some things that I think I would like to write about, and that has been one thing that keeps me interested. The down side to all the research is opening up a new Google Doc to begin writing and feeling stuck after about 2-3 paragraphs. Or worse yet, writing a couple of sentences and having no idea what way to go next, what to write next. I have kept the examples of these for potential future use, but how does one start submitting articles and such when they can’t get to the end of them? Frustrating a bit, but I’m just trying to go with being satisfied with knowing that I am writing, which should bring me to writing something I can submit, to everyone, fingers crossed, praying, hoping, please, please, please. Once I make it past this first hurdle I know I’ll be fine, even if the nervousness of submission may never disappear.

I really need to sit down and write out a list of the different things I have planned for my husband and me to try. We are both looking to get out of the work we have always done since both of us have bodies that are worn out from that work. I have a few ideas, ones Lance and I have discussed as possibilities. Since everything is in the planning phases there’s nothing really to discuss, yet.

I’m anxious for us to get started with some of these ideas, but there are steps to each process before moving forward. Its times like these that I realize just how much I am an instant gratification type person. Its weird, too. I’m more than willing to put in the work but I want the end results now it would appear. Oh well…just keep moving forward and everything will mesh together eventually. Right?

Posted in Left foot, right foot, repeat | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

No Rest for the…Sleep Deprived?

I think I really screwed up yesterday. I didn’t end up taking a nap, for a number of reasons but mostly just because I didn’t feel I had the time or whatever to fit it in. I look back at yesterday now and realize there was plenty of time. I paid for the misjudgment last night.

I crawled into bed dead tired at about 9, my usual time, expecting to sleep until at the very least 4, but I was aiming for 5. How far did I make it? 12:28 am. Damnit. Not only was did I wake up at that time but I was AWAKE – almost as if I had slept a good solid 8 hours or something. Ugh. Fine! Coffee. I stayed up until around 5:30 am then laid back down in bed with the hopes of catching some more zzz’s. Thankfully, I slept another 2 1/2 hours. YAY! I’ll shoot for a nap here in a little bit.

This sleep thing has gotten to be a bit much. I have stopped taking my meds (today is day 2) thinking that maybe its my meds keeping me from my sleep, despite having sleep problems before going into the hospital. My reasoning is the sleeplessness, or disturbed sleep, has gotten worse, in my opinion. I know it’s too early to tell if this is going to make a difference, but I’m hoping. I’d wait until I could get in to see a doctor before starting with doctoring myself but its over a month before they can see me (new patient). I need to figure this out now.

Part of me feels that I am getting used to this new (I guess it’s not so new anymore) sleep pattern. Maybe this is what sleep looks like for me now – a few hours after going to bed at night, a morning nap, an afternoon nap. This doesn’t sound like a great schedule but if I can still get a normal amount of things done in a day, I guess I’m ok with it. I’m not sure how this would work with working but if I’m working remotely there shouldn’t be a problem. Right? Now, to get that remote job.

Why is this so hard in today’s work market? It sounds like a no brainer to me but apparently I am out of the loop of what’s a no brainer these days. The anxiety I have over talking to people I don’t know has somewhat to do with my struggle but, also, remote work seems to be an insider thing: if you”re not already doing it, no one really coughs up the info you need to move forward. Or maybe I am defeated too easily when looking for work. I’m sure that is part of it. I don’t do rejection, even the potential of rejection, well.

Posted in Left foot, right foot, repeat | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Some Sleep; Sealing Marilyn’s Roof…

Well, I slept until 4am this morning! I’m excited about this because I think I may have found the solution to getting back into a ‘normal’ sleep pattern. I ended up “accidentally’ taking a nap yesterday, 2 hours long and went to bed at my usual time of 9 – 9:30. I woke up once at around 11:30, which was easy to look at and simply refuse to be awake. I plan on napping again to day to see if I have better sleep results tonight. I’m hoping to sleep until at least 5 tomorrow morning. Maybe I’ve just been over tired and its had this bizarre sleeplessness effect.

After a little bit of research, this “bizarre’ sleeplessness could be a result of adrenal exhaustion. I do walk a pretty stress inducing lifestyle. Whatever the cause, I think the midday nap is a good thing, if for no other reason than it is a great supplemental to the lowered amount of sleep I am getting at night. As for long term, its too early to say. If it turns out a nap every day is what is going to give me the beautiful sleep at night I crave, then back to kindergarten schedule it is. Now, to get my life to be conducive to a kindergartner’s schedule…

We are going to be starting the sealing process on the roof, hopefully today. Wait. Not today. I have a birthday party to go to for a soul friend of mine. Well, ok, maybe we can get it started tomorrow, after Lance gets done with work. I don’t know. We will get it going here in the next few days, I’m sure.

We are using a 3 step system. First step is the Armor Flash, which you trowel or brush on a fabric mesh with. As the name implies, this is what would be like the flashing on a regular roof. This product goes along all the roof seams and penetrations for the added strength these fail spots need.

Marilyn roof awning

The Armor Flash will go along here (as you can see, the previous coating was applied a bit sloppily)

Next is the Armor Base. This is like a primer. This step prepares the surface for the final step to bond with and seals in the Armor Flash. We will apply this with brush and roller to the entire surface of the roof.

Marilyn roof middle

Thankfully, the product we are using can go over existing roof sealant. We scraped all the loose stuff off, as instructed. 

Now, the last step: Armor Flex. This is the silicone roof coating. We ended up with a gray, unfortunately. I wanted a white, but it is what it is in the end: our roof will be waterproof and that is the end goal. This, too, will be applied with brush and roller.

I know the Armor Flash takes 36 – 48 hours to cure, so I am guessing this is the time between steps, or at least the time between step one and step two. I haven’t read the labels on the Armor Base and Armor Flex buckets, yet, but I’ll do that today. By next weekend, tarping the roof of Marilyn may be a thing of the past. YAY!!

Posted in Left foot, right foot, repeat | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Changing Sleep Perspective; Digital Nomad…

So my attempting to get more sleep experiment failed. I stayed up until 2:38 (2:45 actually) then crawled into bed confident this was going to do the trick. Then 5am showed up. Ugh. Yesterday was a long one. I’m feeling like I slept well last night, though, but I am unsure of how long I slept. I was up at 3am. I’ll have to ask Lance what time we went to bed last night in order to know how long I slept. He’s still in bed (so jealous) so that will have to wait.

Perhaps I am trying to fix something that doesn’t need fixing. Maybe this is just my new sleep cycle, regardless of reason, and I’m in the adjustment period. This sort of makes sense to me. My sleeping patterns before shortened sleep cycles kicked in were pretty normal with a bit of extra sleep thrown in whenever possible. It would only make sense that it would take some time for my body and mind to adjust to this lesser sleep model.

Maybe it’s not a lesser sleep model. Maybe its an improved sleep model with a long training period. Yep. Still trying to make sense of it all. Maybe its just time to accept it and plan accordingly. It’s definitely giving me more time to sit down in front of this screen to write, which is a good thing, I think.

I’m thinking I need to slip in a nap midday somehow. That makes it hard to find work that I have to go to. I’ve been looking into the whole remote working thing, which completely sounds right up my alley, I think. Stay at home. Flexible schedule. Make money to stay alive. I’m loving the sound of that.

Sure, there is the whole discipline thing that one must have to be successful with remote working/being a digital nomad, but I have never been one that couldn’t discipline themselves to get the job done so I don’t see that being a problem. My biggest obstacle is getting started, which is what I’ve been researching for the last month or so. I’m sure the info is in there somewhere, I just haven’t learned now to recognize it.

There’s also the whole getting in my own way thing. Ok. It’s an anxiety thing. A feeling like an impostor thing. Fine! It’s a self-esteem thing. Am I good enough? Smart enough? Can I make this happen and bring in some money? Am I chasing something I do not have the skills or ability to do successfully, even adequately? I don’t know but I’m going to give it a go and see what happens, if I can get past the whole first few contacts anxiety and actually apply to some. Ok I have applied to a couple but I really had no expectation of anything coming from them. I really don’t know what I’m doing, yet, in this brand new (to me) arena but I’ve got my armor on.

Posted in Left foot, right foot, repeat | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Sleeplessness; Workamping…

I’m trying something tonight. I am so sick of getting up at what I consider obnoxious times – 2am, 3am, 4am – and, so far, nothing I have tried to fix the ‘problem’ has worked so far. Tonight, I am going to be staying up until 2:38am, exactly 24 hours after hopping out of bed this morning. My hope is, if I stay up until the time I have been usually getting up lately then go to bed, sleep until whenever I wake up, then go to bed at a normal time tomorrow and see if it resets this crazy sleep cycle I’ve been in.

I’m exhausted. I don’t do great without sleep. Think Gremlin. Yes, I’m sleeping, getting around 5-6 hours each night, which isn’t horrible, but leaves a huge deficit on the sleep side. Thinking becomes impaired, mood sinks, memory is nearly non-existent, I tend to be a bit snippy. It’s not good. I don’t like it at all. I”m much better about it than I had been growing up but it’s still not great and only gets worse the longer things go on. If my plan tonight doesn’t work, I’m running out of options. I have one or two more that I know of. Maybe someone out there has a suggestion or two??

Lance is getting anxious to be on the road. I am, too, but I think the pull is greater for him right now. He isn’t squirrelly, yet, but sort of has the feel of squirrelliness brewing. I know the feeling.

One of the things we plan on doing to help support our travels is workamping. Workamping is exactly what it sounds like – you work in exchange for your full hook-up site. Some have a salary along with your site, which is often minimum wage. I’ve downloaded apps, connected with a few (i lost count) Rv pages on Facebook, signed up for a newsletter or two.

The other day, I was looking at the jobs offered through one of the newsletters I am now getting. (sorry. I don’t remember which one. Did I mention I lost count?)  I came across one job that sounds like it may be a perfect fit for Lance and me. The job is working at an animal sanctuary in exchange for a full hook-up site and salary, locations throughout the nation.

I’m mostly just looking right now. We still are working on Marilyn and I don’t want to commit to anything when I’m not sure when we will be ready to pull out of here. I mentioned the animal sanctuary job to Lance and he is all in on that one. In fact, I would go as far as to say that he is feeling compelled to work at one or more of the sanctuaries. Over the last two days, he has brought it up a few times, very emotionally, like the way you feel when you really really want something so badly you can’t stand it. I guess its time for me to find out more about it, such as locations and all the info. It will be a learning curve since this is all new to me. I have no idea what questions to ask. Hopefully, whoever I chat with can help walk this newbie through it.

Posted in Left foot, right foot, repeat | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

“Living” in Woodinville…

I made it until 4:00 this morning…woot woot! I woke up at around 2:30 at first and just crawled back into bed when I saw what time it was. I tried that at 4 but my eyes were having none of it. Oh well. I cherished the ‘extra’ hour and a half of sleep.

The weather here has been so beautiful for about a week now. Temps in the upper 80’s, cook your skin off sun, and lots of blue skies. I’m filling my quota for the year. 😉 The ‘cook your skin off sun,’ though appreciated, is a bit much for my Pacific Northwest – Greater Seattle Area skin. We just don’t get sun like this most of the year; nothing to toughen up the skin. Parts of me want to complain about just how hot it has been but I love the warmth so much, and the sun and blue skies, that complaining seems…ungrateful.

Temps in the RV have been reaching the mid to upper 90’s. Since Lance’s brother had us move the RV to a different location on the property, we are now on a long extension cord, long enough to make the air condition not an option – we would keep tripping the circuit. Of course, we get this amazing weather almost immediately after having moved out of air conditioner range. Ugh. We are making it work. I have fans going but it’s really not enough. Fortunately, the times when the RV is the hottest, we usually take the dogs for a nice long walk. I have an amazing tan going on.

We are a little loaded down when we walk the dogs in the late afternoon/evening time. Ok. Lance is loaded down. I carry poopy bags and the silicone, collapsible water dish. Lance has the dogs hooked to his waist (a lot of times lately I have Enzo with me), his pouch on the belt that holds our drinks, and a fanny pack with the jug of water for the dogs. Thankfully, the Brightwater Treatment Plant has a wooded area that we utilize to get out of the sun for a bit.

The Brightwater Treatment Plant. What a place this is. The story is the land it is on used to be home for a wrecking yard of some sort, so the land was contaminated with a bunch of different vehicle chemicals that had leached into the ground. King County has rehabilitated the land through planting native plants, grass, etc and a ground water filtration system that uses the landscape and underlying dirt and rock layers to filter water that you find running in some small creeks in the woods and along one perimeter. This place really is amazing to find, and the fact that it is a waste water treatment plant makes it even more incredible because it doesn’t look like one. They have really gone all out to make it beautiful, providing great walking trails and paths for the community to utilize.

The Woodinville area is a pretty place. Sure, there is a ‘downtown’ area but it is small-ish and surrounded by a lot of trees in forest-type formations. Not far from downtown Woodinville, you run into wildlife. On our walks, we’ve seen black bears, bobcats, deer, a bald eagle right here on the property, close enough to almost touch, along with a plethora of bunnies, of course. Two bears were also here on the property, close enough to the RV to see all the details. I’m moderately grateful we weren’t here for the bears, though part of me would have liked to have been. How cool would that have been?!?

Well, its time for me to get going with the day. I sold the Camry yesterday and am putting that money into Marilyn. Today, I pick up the new distributor (the right one since we now know what engine we really have: the 440, not the 360) and order the hi-torque starter. Projects, they are many. Have a great day, Everyone!!

Posted in Left foot, right foot, repeat | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Sleepless, Where Do I Go From Here…

I seem to be staring at a blank page a lot lately. I want to write, there are things running around up there that want out, but I pull up a page, even just a Google Docs page just for me, and …crickets. I don’t know if there is just too much up there that the gate is clogged or if I just really have nothing to write about at the moment. Maybe I just don’t feel that what may come out is worth the effort of putting it there. I don’t know.

My mood, for the most part, is pretty good – no doomsday thoughts – but I’m still not sleeping right. In bed at 9 pm, up at 1:30 am, stay up all day thinking this will reset the internal clock. Go to bed, again, at 9 pm. Up at 3. Crap. From what I can find so far on the internet points to perimenopausal symptoms as the culprit. Oh fun. This is bullshit.

My pillow, blankets, and I have always had a great relationship. I love sleep. I love the comfort and cuddles of nice soft, clean, great smelling blankets cocooned around me. Snuggling up to my pillow is a frequent day dream. Sleep and I have always been close. I still love the crawling into bed, burrowing into the covers, smooshing into my pillow, and falling asleep, I’m just incapable, it would seem, to sleep for more than 4-6 hours at a time anymore. I want more damn time with my pillow.

Ok. That rant is over, at least for now. Sorry. Lack of sleep leaves me cranky.

So, I’ve been trying to find work. Well, I’ve been trying to try to find work. I start looking to see what is available but then, when I see all the different postings, none of them mentioning anything I think I am any good at, my anxiety kicks in. Once that happens, looking seems pointless because I’m reading the ads without really reading it. Does that makes sense? The words are being read, their meanings understood, but the info just isn’t coming through. I think I am going to need help with this.

The other thing with trying to find work not in my industries is the pay. Such a huge pay cut. I’m supposed to go from averaging $20/hr, minimum usually, to minimum wage? Its painful enough changing industries since I can’t do my work anymore, but I have to take a monstrous cut in income, as well?! Less than $400 in take home pay?! SO, now, not only is my anxiety making it difficult to even assess if a position is OK for me, I’m looking at the pay thinking there’s no way this will work out. I used to be able to make that weekly amount in a couple of days. Ugh. Suck it up, buttercup. I know. There’s just got to be a better way.

I’m still being told I should write, turn that into an income. I want to. My biggest barrier is myself, I guess. I don’t feel like I have what it takes to become even ‘support myself’ successful with writing. Maybe I could. The desire is there. I am told the skills are there, or at least lying in wait for me to polish them up through use. There are supposedly tons of ways to write and make a decent living at it, so I’m told through so many different internet searches, such as a “write for us” Google search.

The search yields 996 million results, which one would think that would make finding an income super easy and perhaps it does to the masses. I am not trying to be terminally unique here but I hit the part asking for a query letter and I freeze. How does one write a query letter? I know there are about a thousand or so different links to “how to write a query letter” but I have to admit my whole system seems to shut down while I’m scanning the page to collect basic info before diving into the meat of it that I have discovered I’m not really learning anything. I’ve got to stop this vicious cycle, get over myself, learn query letters, write articles of different natures (I have the info in here, somewhere), and GET OUT OF MY OWN DAMN WAY!

I had really thought the anti-anxiety medication they sent me home from the hospital with would have helped me get past some of my anxieties but I guess that was a bit unrealistic. They just don’t have the ability to completely remove the existence of anxiety from things that require me to put myself in front of what feels like a personal firing squad. Putting myself out there. Why is that so hard for me? Where did this come from? Why?

Ok. I’m going to go. I feel like I’m prepared to face off the learning to write a query letter so I’m going to run at it while I’m feeling all supercharged about it. Cross your fingers for me!!

Posted in Left foot, right foot, repeat | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

The Pains of Age and Experience…

I’ve been up for about an hour and a half. So much pain. My back, hip, left knee, and hands are just throbbing. Thankfully, typing doesn’t seem to exasperate the hand pains. This is becoming too much.

I am currently working on an article about sleep needs of the 40-something woman. I am one and my sleep patterns have gotten really off track, though I am learning maybe not as much as I was believing. Tonight/this morning, I hurt. I hurt so much it woke me up. I can’t roll over without my lower back/sacrum area hurting. I can’t stretch, fully body stretch, without my left knee hurting, badly. I’m complaining, yes, but I don’t think unreasonably so…

While I was in the hospital they introduced me to a pain reliever I’d never heard of before: Voltaren. Voltaren (diclofenac) is an anti-inflammatory type pain reliever that works more specifically with arthritic type situations to help reduce the inflammation that causes joint pain. I fell in love with this medication within 2 days. Why? I actually was not in pain except the joint to the left of my sacrum, which at least reduced in intensity. Day 3, even that joint stopped hurting. I couldn’t believe it and was so overjoyed to be pain-free for the first time in 3 years.

I didn’t want to build up a tolerance to the medication so I wasn’t taking it unless I was in pain. Label says take as needed for pain. Now, I’m in so much pain I’m losing sleep, which makes me wonder if “take as needed” was not the right prescription to give. I took one about an hour ago, but I had also taken one right before bed, around 9 pm. That’s only 4 hours. I can’t find any info telling me if this is not good or just fine. I just want to not be in pain, to sleep through the night without being woken up every time I try to turn over, to stretch fully without pain, to not be up at 1:30 am writing unless I’m doing so because the idea woke me up.

What pain medication do you use? Are they working the way you want them to? Would you recommend them? What type of pain are they for? What’s your trick to help with the pain when it just becomes too much? I ask so that I can be better prepared when I go to the doctor tomorrow. I want to be able to have ideas of what could work. At the very least, I want to be able to understand what I may be prescribed, if it is something different. I want to be able to participate in my care.

Posted in Left foot, right foot, repeat | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Warrior Down but ok…

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” – Theodore Roosevelt; April 23, 1910

I should have written this post a few days ago, right after I got out of the hospital. Things were a lot clearer, like feelings, my actual thoughts at the time, but a lot seems like it has faded since then. Even the names of a few have hidden themselves from quick recall.

This may not be an easy post for some to read. Mental health issues tend to bring up intense emotions, whether pro or against, understanding or disgust, whatever, but continuing to buy into the opinions of others about mental health is what keeps so many of those that deal with mental illness suffering in quiet, and sometimes taking their life in silence. I, too, could be a statistic. I am grateful I am not.

On Friday, June 15, 2018, I went into the hospital after having a complete breakdown and slitting my wrist. I am not sure what exactly set it off – whether it is the stress of having no idea how I’m going to make money since my back, hips, knees, wrists, hands, fingers are so damaged that I am no longer able to do what I make money at without severe levels of pain, the fluctuating finances, the stress of being at Lance’s brother’s place – but, when I saw the blood gushing from my arm, bringing home the fact that I had just slit my wrist, I was not only terrified but mad. I was pissed that I had done it and that I was now having to face the fact that it was way past time to do something about the mental space I had been lying to myself about living in.

After spending a night at Evergreen Hospital, I went to Smokey Point Behavioral Hospital, where I spent just over a week. I have realized, again, that I am too capable of talking my way around mental health professionals. Once I realized I was doing that once again, I had a talk with myself and throw all in. I would like to say that all the talk around shenanigans ended right then, or at least didn’t show up much, but that is not what happened, unfortunately. I made a bit of progress, and I am feeling a lot better, but I think I got home sick, started thinking about the different things that were already scheduled to happen coming up, and talked the loop toward getting home. I am ok enough, I believe, to be home, but I think I could have gained a lot more benefit if I had stayed a bit longer. My husband and my puppies are such an integral part of my day-to-day and I was miserable without them.

My wonderful husband visited me about every other day, which was perfect in my mind. This beautiful man would come and hang out with his wife (me) for about an hour then go out to the van, get the puppies, and walk around to the back of the building and throw the ball and disc for the dogs so I could watch them play. I had asked him, once, if he would be willing to play with the dogs so I could at least watch them play since I couldn’t be with them. Lance faithfully did so every time he came to visit, even when I knew he didn’t really feel like it. As an added bonus, others on the unit started watching Lance and the dogs playing and benefited from it, so started asking for him. I am certain we were quite the sight – three large windows with people looking out of them, smiles on their faces and in their eyes. What a gift to see.

So, this all means I’m back on meds, something I didn’t want to do but had to become willing. Will I be on them forever? Possibly. We shall see how things go and how I’m feeling. I’ll be seeing someone for a bit, but I have other methods of healing I utilize that the therapists at the hospital agreed would be beneficial to me and my mental health. I have such faith in the powers of Holotropic Breathwork and the Choose Again 6 Step Process (go to YouTube and search “choose again 6 step”). They have provided me with so much healing, processed through so many things that have been huge barriers to my forward movement.

How can I still have faith in these spiritual methods when I had a breakdown anyway? Easy. I wasn’t taking care of myself, wasn’t going to the healing circles, hadn’t been to Holotropic Breathwork for quite a while. There was one scheduled for the Sunday after I went in, if only I could have held on. But breakdowns happen when they happen. You can’t ‘schedule them in.’

So, what did I learn? A few things. My diagnosis still comes back as bipolar, this time 2 instead of 1, ADD, the second class of psychosis, and a high likelihood of borderline personality disorder. Thankfully the meds “cocktail” they have me on this time around is minimal, and the plan is to get me back to no meds if possible. I would really love to see a naturopath for this but that requires money I don’t have to spend. Oh well. Progress, at least.

I came out of the hospital with a new-found sense of purpose. I am not going to clean anymore. It stresses me out too much and I firmly believe the 3 day clean I did right before going in to the hospital contributed to the breakdown.  My body has already said no to the cleaning, LOUDLY. Construction is out. Pretty much all the things I know how to do really, really well are out. SO how am I going to make money? I have no idea. I would have my medical scribe certification by now if I hadn’t of had to drop out of school. That’s only a touch painful. Not having a backup skill to fall back on is the super painful spot. I’ve connected with a few of the remote working rv-ers groups and am preparing to pick their brains and hopefully find a financially ok (at least) future.

Posted in Left foot, right foot, repeat | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment