Saturn, Freestar Day, Upcoming Emotional Relief…

I’ve given the Center of the Sun tattoo a lot more thought. I want it, I really do, but I honestly can’t justify putting any money toward it. We have things we must take care of and then there is the direction I’m trying to point us in – owning our own spot to park our gypsy camp and hopefully turn into a home. These are priorities and taking money from that to get a non-life defining ‘want’ is self-sabotage, plain and simple. Ugh. Adulting is such a chore sometimes.

Today is ‘Mieke the Mechanic’ day. My goals are to get the Saturn running, again, and do a transmission service on the Freestar. The Saturn has been sitting since it died going down the freeway. I’ve done a few things to it, nothing major – check all the fuses, changed the inline battery fuse (was blown), checked to see if the CPS was properly seated (not super easy to do on this one since it is hidden behind the starter, not sure if properly seated but feels like it), charged the battery up and had it tested (probably should pick up a new one but this one tested out ok), tried compression starting it, talked with anyone I could that I thought might have some knowledge, and it’s still not running. Hoping that changes before the day is over.

I’ve been driving the Freestar. Nowhere far, just work and back, mostly, laundry, groceries. I had the PCM reprogrammed and it didn’t fix the problems, though it may have been running better. I think maybe that was wishful thinking since I had spent the $150 to have it done and really, really want this van to run right. I’m not sure what it is about the Freestar, but I like it, a lot. I don’t usually keep cars that are giving me this hard of a time but, for some reason, I just can’t seem to completely give up on this van.

Anyway, its been running really rough with its usual times of smooth sailing. The last couple of days, it has been worse than normal and yesterday, at the end of the day, it stopped having good times. I’m going to drop the tranny pan, replace the filter, strain the fluid for little bits to throw back in, and fill with new fluid with the addition of Lucas Transmission Fluid Conditioner. I think the Lucas will help since the transmission has been having a hard time and the ‘leak’ that has been happening from the wiper cowl when it rains has added moisture inside it. Ford knows this is a problem, yet still has not put a recall on the vehicle, despite doing so with their previous models with the exact same issues. Frustrating but onward we go.

I’m trying to decide if I want to just clean the plugs or change them. The misfire that has been happening, that the PCM reprogram was supposed to take care of, has definitely fouled the plugs and I’m thinking I may just want to replace them. I think I’ll go ahead and pick the new plugs up so I have them. I may get in there and decide it’s the best move to just replace them. I wonder about the plug wires, too, but this will exceed the budget at this time.

If the tranny service and plugs don’t fix these problems, I’m thinking the van may need a new PCM. I’d really like to put the van in the shop for a diagnostic but…well, funding. I’ll figure out how to make that happen if the work I do this weekend doesn’t make things better. Hopefully, it doesn’t make things worse, which is why I want to get the Saturn going first. I want to know I have a backup vehicle if things go drastically wrong and the van is out of commission for a bit, if not entirely.

The Camry needs its own work (possibly wheel bearings, possibly u-joint, possibly ??? – it’s moderately disturbing to me as it goes down the road, as I’m feeling something ratchety, something just not right at all) and I want to make sure neither of us is without a vehicle since we both are bringing money in these days. Once we are both in more solid vehicle positions and the Camry is parked, I may do a little bit of work to it so I can sell it. Part of me wonders if maybe I should go ahead and just fix the Camry and have that sitting as the backup vehicle. I’ll make that decision later after I have a firmer grasp on what’s going on with the Saturn and Freestar.

My new job is ok. The hours haven’t been great but something is better than nothing. Though some great hours means better incoming cash, I have to admit that I’m not too upset about the lack of hours. Though its house cleaning I’m doing instead of move out cleaning, I still really don’t want to be cleaning. I think I have burnt myself out on the whole thing, honestly. If I could just convince myself to finally write that damn book, or article, or whatever and make writing into a career, stopping being so afraid, then I would have that as a potential option. My step-dad says ‘what do you have to lose?’ Financially? Not a thing. Emotionally? Everything, and that is where the problem comes in. I want it and to have it come down to not an option instead of a potential option, it would be crushing to me, and I’m not sure how much more emotional deadening I can take before I stop caring about anything, stop dreaming.

Speaking of that, my doctor’s appointment is this week, finally. Antidepressant, here I come. It’ll be nice having a bit of backup in the emotional end of things. I’ve been having a lot of really good days, but, in between those, I have some really dark days, ones where nothing gets done. I’m completely stuck in my head, beating myself repeatedly with any and all mistakes over this lifetime, feeling inadequate, unwanted, unneeded, unnecessary, and wondering if I was truly meant to be at all. Those days are the hardest. Those days I get through by talking myself through every minute of it, not allowing my thoughts to linger on any one thing too long so it can not lead to me wondering if I’m fighting this life battle for no reason at all. Suicide does cross my mind. I know what it is. I also know, for me, if I acknowledge when I’m feeling that way (Ok. Yeah, I’m feeling suicidal today. This is going to be a really challenging day but I’ll make it through it.), it takes some of the power out of it. Once the antidepressant gets settled in my system, those days will not be quite so challenging.

Lance’s brother is finally back from France – yay!! There is a breathwork gathering tomorrow and I am sooo excited! The breathwork seems to help a lot with the depression and my anxiety, too. I’ve been feeling like I’ve needed a breathwork session for a bit now so I’m extremely grateful that is happening tomorrow. A little reprieve from the mental chaos and some strength to keep moving forward another day.