Heading Toward the Center of the Sun…

Lance is liking his new job and it seems to be going along just fine. I think the guy he is working for likes him, too, which, of course, is a really good thing. Knowing we have that income coming in is a real stress reliever, especially with a pending move and all in our future.

I am…ok with my new job. I’d love to say I’m thrilled with it, but its cleaning and I think I’ve established on here that I no longer have any desire whatsoever to clean for a living anymore. The owner of the company is nice and we have quite a few things in common. She seems pretty easy to work for, so that is a good thing, but I have to admit I find myself in the middle of a clean wondering what the hell I was thinking taking this job cleaning. Yeah, I think I’ve burned myself out on the whole cleaning thing. At least I have an income and, since I tend to be a stayer in most things, I’m sure I’ll end up hanging on to this house cleaning job unless something else comes up that is at least the same amount of money and isn’t cleaning.

Yeah, I think I’ve burned myself out on the whole cleaning thing. At least I have an income and, since I tend to be a stayer in most things, I’m sure I’ll end up hanging on to this house cleaning job unless something else comes up that is at least the same amount of money and isn’t cleaning. I’m not actively looking, but I wonder if I should be. Here’s why:

I had two cleans yesterday, both 3 hours, and by the time I had made it about halfway through my second clean, my wrists and hands were hurting. After relaxing for a while with Lance last night, pretty much everything from the waist up to the top of my neck was hurting. Ugh. My age seems to be reminding me a lot, lately, that I am not as young as I used to be and I have not been very nice to my body along the way. This morning, my legs joined in the aching with the rest of me and I’m really feeling like there just has to be a better way to bring in money than hurting myself every day, along with being around all of the cleaning chemicals. Again, at least I have an income. Now, if I could just figure out how to make really good money not killing myself. *sigh* I feel so stuck in this and am totally open to suggestions since my best thinking is sending back something along the lines of a dial tone.

I’m really wanting a new tattoo. I know part of that is because of the all the things in our life that are requiring immediate attention. At one point in my life, getting a tattoo was a way to relieve a little stress and attempt to keep myself from dealing with things in not so healthy ways, i.e. not deal with them at all. Now, I get them just because I love them.

A tattoo idea really has to resonate with me. The tattoo I want now is a verse from the song Center of the Sun by Conjure One: “I cannot be hurt by anything this wicked world has done.” I find some strength from the verse, the whole song, actually, but the verse really hits me. So much has gone on in my life, I’ve dealt with some real nasties in a lot of different areas of life, and, unfortunately, I’ve picked up that crap and carried it with me through life.

People say they have baggage. I tend to say that I have a semi-trailer that follows me around with all of my baggage in it. Sometimes, it feels like I have that much, and other times it feels like maybe I’ve cleared some room in that trailer. Anyway, the verse hit me like a brick the first time I heard it and reminded me that I can choose how I react to ‘this wicked world,’ and all that it has done/does. Get out of the habit of automatic response, something I have been working on a lot, lately, with varied success. Learning something new is definitely a process, and I think to learn a new way of thinking, reacting, is even more challenging. This is where the tattoo comes in – a permanent reminder that I am strong and there is nothing in this world that can keep me down except my own allowing of it.

Now, where to put it. I’m thinking on my right inner forearm – easy to see the reminder. I had thought the back of my leg, either thigh or calf, but that’s not a great place for me to see it, just others, and, as usual, my tattoos don’t end up on my body for other people. The only one I have that is close to that is my wedding band around my right bicep. My husband has the same one on his left bicep. He designed and drew it. That tattoo is for us, our marriage. Yeah, my right inner forearm sounds right. I’d say my left, but there is not enough room there, I think, with my other tattoos.

As you can see, this is still in the planning and thought process. Maybe a Christmas present to myself this year. Two and a half months sounds like a good length of time to think about a tattoo. Permanent decisions require a good amount of thought since they can’t be taken back.

Anyway, that’s about it for now. I guess I’m just wanting to write. I usually have all these splendid ideas right before I open my laptop and start writing, at which point they hide in the deepest recesses of my mind. I’m thinking part of that is because I have not been diligent in my writing, on here or otherwise. I’m not writing every day and can’t seem to get myself in that mode. I’ll write for a couple of days in a row, mostly journal-type writing on a document on Drive, then the next thing I know, a few days have passed and I haven’t written at all, despite the desire and intent to do so. Yeah, bad head space, I think. Or, maybe I just haven’t gotten myself back into that disciplined spot, yet. I’m a little frustrated about it.

Alright. That’s it from me today. Until next time…

About dragonflygypsyusa

Over-thinker with way too much availability to the internet to research whatever might come to mind, amateur photographer, dog enthusiast, learning every day, working on finding my undamaged self.
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