The End of Forever…

I’m really out of sorts today. I made a decision yesterday that is changing my life and not at a slow pace. It’s hard to think about, mostly because it hurts my heart and because I don’t want to be one of those people who just complains about things. I need to walk through this slowly, with as much grace as I can muster.

I told my husband I am done yesterday. We have been growing apart for a while. Discontent has been palpable for too long, on both sides, though I doubt he will admit that he has been feeling that way. His actions say he has, but I think he believes that saying he has been discontent is the same as saying he doesn’t love me anymore.

I know he loves me. Love, or lack of it, is not the problem. We just can’t seem to get on the same page, anymore, or even into the same book. Maybe that doesn’t seem like such a big deal, but being on the same page, or, at the very least, the same book, has been a part of our relationship from the very beginning. Not on everything. I think that would be unrealistic, but we were there on enough of the important things that it put us in sync. Time, and life, has taken away that balance. We let it take away that balance through complacency.

I want to be mad at him, but it’s not really what I’m feeling. I’m hurt, and I’m not sure I can blame him completely for that. I have to own my own part in this, I’m just not sure exactly what parts are mine and which are his at this point. The feelings are too intense for me to be able to sort that out, or to even determine if it matters. Right now, I’m feeling a bit lost.

I went to work without him yesterday after telling him I am done and that maybe he should spend the day looking for a job. When I got home, he was gone, though almost all of his things are still here. He texted me soon after I got home, coincidentally, telling me he was at a friend’s place. I didn’t know how to respond to this. I probably should have just not responded but sent him the message “good luck.”

Part of me is worried that he is thinking that if he just gives me some space, and time, that I will get over whatever I’m going through and we can just continue on. There is a part of me that sees that happening but I believe that is just my heart. I love him, that hasn’t changed. I just can’t do this anymore. We are not getting along. We are not seeing things from the same view-point. We disagree more than we agree. Our relationship has become something that no longer fills my soul but hurts it. We have lost the ability to communicate with each other. I’m no longer comfortable coming to him with what hurts my heart and mind, which was something I had been able to do with him in a way that I had never been able to do with anyone before him. I think he may be feeling the same way about me.

I want to be able to just stay home and process this but my week is packed. I have 7 cleans over the next 4 days, 3 of them today. Thankfully, my daughter has stepped in to help. There is no way I would have been able to get through all these cleans by myself, especially today.

I took my wedding ring off last night and put it in a drawer. What does one do with a wedding ring they no longer wear? I never expected to be here. This June would have been our 7th wedding anniversary. I walked in to this marriage with the belief that it would never end in divorce. I wouldn’t have gotten married if I had believed that was a possibility. Maybe I’m naive. I guess I’m learning that happily ever after just isn’t in the cards for me.

About dragonflygypsyusa

Over-thinker with way too much availability to the internet to research whatever might come to mind, amateur photographer, dog enthusiast, learning every day, working on finding my undamaged self.
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4 Responses to The End of Forever…

  1. Andrea T says:

    Oh, goodness I’m so sorry to hear that. I know nobody walks into a marriage expecting it to end, and one can guess that wasn’t a decision you came to lightly. If there is a silver lining (and I like to believe there always is) is that there was no fight. I hope you two can navigate in these unknown waters.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dad says:

    I am so sad to hear this. I know this was not an easy decision but are you sure this is the best solution? Marriage does not always go along smoothly and could this be one of those times when the bumps get rough and hard to deal with. Mieke, your life seemed to be coming together and you have been mostly writing positive thoughts about your life and plans for the future. Can you and Lance still talk this out or is this truly the end? With lots of love, Dad

    Like

    • Talking is something we have tried to do many times. Unlike earlier in our relationship, talking, or arguing if necessary, has stopped being productive. As I told Lance the other day, I am done having to defend myself, my kids, and I am not ok with being treated as if I am less than instead of an equal, a partner. The last few years have been bumpy. I love him with all of my heart, but I love myself more and feel it is time to stop applying bandaids to critical wounds, for both of us. My life is still coming together and the future plans are still there. I would have been the one making those plans happen, not Lance, so that hasn’t changed. Other than the text telling me where he is at, there has been absolutely no communication since he left. This tells me he is ready to move on as well. We both deserve better than what this relationship has been for a while now and I think ending things before we hold on until the point we can’t stand each other is better than destroying the love at the core. We have already gotten to the point where we are both so focused on defending ourselves that we can no longer hear the needs of the other. If it was just a matter of adapting to this new parameter, I’d be all in, but it has become damaging to both of us on a soul level. Because I love him, and myself, its time to give us each a chance to move forward from here.
      I love you, Dad!

      Like

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