I woke up this morning with a wet pillow and crusty eyes. I guess I must have been crying in my sleep. This is probably a good thing since crying while conscious seems to be something I am almost incapable of doing these days. The processing and healing have to happen somehow, right?
I’m missing the presence of Lance. I guess it is more accurate to say that I am missing the presence of the Lance I fell in love with. That’s nothing new, but it is different now that there is no body present to go with the memory. Since we got together just over 9 years ago, we have been in each other’s presence for almost all of it and the absence is felt.
I find myself missing talking with him like we used to, but, again, that is the good memory. We have had moments like that over the past few years but they have gotten fewer and farther between. As long as we are talking about nothingness, the non-important or life planning type things, we have been able to talk well, but it only takes a moment or two of talking about anything important and we hit an impasse. I miss my friend, my companion, my confidant, my partner.
Why is it that one tends to remember mostly the good things when going through the process of healing from an ended relationship? It’s not like I don’t remember the not so great that has been going on with us for a while now because I do, and that is what reminds me why we are apart but my heart hurts. My mind, body, and soul remember the good parts so vividly, which makes the bad so much harder to understand. The two seem to be so unrelated to each other, as if they are each part of two different relationships. Does that make sense?
The only comparison I can make, and it’s not one I like, is to getting clean. The habit is still there despite knowing that the right decision was made. My mind is throwing up scenarios of us slowly getting to know each other again, in the future, and being able to make things work, but I don’t see that happening. I hate this.