Upset, discontent, frustrated…

I feel so powerless. I am so upset about failing at quitting smoking. Sure, I’m not giving up, but I am so disappointed, and depressed, that I failed to stick to my plan and that, despite how much I really don’t want to smoke, I still am. I’ve never had such a hard time giving something like this up. Giving up the life of un-manageability, drinking, drugs was nowhere near as difficult as this seems to be and I don’t know why. I’ve been fluctuating between being depressed by this and angry that I’m having this difficulty. I want to be done with this. Even more so now that I have failed. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to throw things I’m so frustrated, but that isn’t how I deal with things now. I know I said I was going to try to be gentle with myself over not maintaining my plan but I’m furious. I’m so much stronger than this and I’m being so weak.  I feel defeated and it really sucks that what has defeated me at this point is something as stupid as cigarettes.