The rain is back and I’m pretty ok with that right now. I’m feeling a bit wrecked, at the moment, so the perceived seclusion the rain provides for me is welcome. I have nothing pressing planned for today, or tomorrow, which is perfect, since I am feeling the need to isolate and heal from the recent events over the past month or so. Its hard, sometimes, to just keep plugging along when the challenges, the seemingly larger challenges, seem to be just pouring in, one right after the other. I’m taking some time to engage in some self-care to rejuvenate my soul so I can put my armor back on and face the battles in progress and the ones that are sure to come.
I had a clean yesterday. Lance came and helped me knock it out, which I am grateful for. When we were done, I headed to the Y for a therapeutic, hour-long shower. Yes, I said hour-long shower. There is just something about sitting in a shower that is as hot as I can stand it, just letting the water wash over me, envelope me, that I find so…well, healing, but that’s not all. I want to say ‘safe,’ but that just seems a bit odd, though no less true. Maybe protected is a better way to put it.
Anyway, with my eyes closed, hot water washing over me, it always feels like I can think about things without reaching the level of overwhelmed. Maybe that is because there is nothing pressing for attention while I’m in the shower, nothing that absolutely must be done (other than getting clean), no one needing my attention, I am completely alone. Sure, at the Y, there are other people around, but once the water is on and the curtain is closed, they really don’t exist anymore – sort of like when you put a child in time out, removing outside stimulus, and giving them time to think about their actions, only I go there willingly. One of the best parts is that, though the thoughts are constant, hitting on each and every topic, there doesn’t seem to be the need for me to be really present to find the solutions in the thoughts, sort of like a fan running in the background.
This time, the shower didn’t feel as restorative as it usually does, though it did provide me a reprieve from being in the middle of it all. I’ve began to notice my desire to do things that I normally love is diminishing, again. Perhaps I need to go back into the doctor to get on an anti-depressant, again. I’m not sure how I can make that happen, financially, but…well, I’m thinking about it. Sometimes, it just doesn’t seem worth it to get on an anti-depressant when my life seems to be pre-loaded to provide me with intense challenges that leave me feeling like there is no way I will ever get on top of them. Yes, I’m complaining.
I started listening to Brene Brown’s Rising Strong, again, yesterday. I hoping to find my strength somewhere hidden in there, or, at least, something that will re-trigger my belief in my ability to face and effectively handle the challenges in my world at this time. It’s worth a shot, right?
I’m going to be taking the Prius in to Doxon Toyota on Monday to have it checked out. I’ve noticed that it is functioning differently than it was before the accident. Once I reach my cruising speed, it has been kicking into electric vehicle mode, which, in itself, doesn’t sound like such a bad thing. It bothers me because this is not how it has ever gone with the car since I first drove it off the lot. Also, when I came out of the Y, the battery showed as only being at 1/4 charged, another thing I have never seen with my Prius. This makes me think that something got jostled around when the lady in the Volvo hit me. Hopefully, it’s an easy fix. While I’m there, I’m going to ask them if they have any recommendations on where to take the car for an inspection and estimate of what it would cost to fix what they find in regard to the accident.
Well, I’m off to go read Breathless by Dean Koontz. After reading a few chapters of it so far, I think I have actually read this one before, as well. Oh well. At least I have something to read. Have a great day, Everyone!!