Yesterday was crazy. I had a cigarette in the morning, blogged, went to work. I didn’t smoke for most of the day. That is, until around mid-afternoon, when I was crawling out of my skin, ready to eat people…lol. This is really difficult and I am not sure if it was the nicotine cravings that were agitating me so much or the mental habit of smoking. I think this would be at least a little bit easier if my husband didn’t still want cigarettes around despite having a vape pen. Knowing there is a cigarette available and it is all up to me to not smoke it is more challenging than if there weren’t any cigarettes around at all. I know this is probably just me trying to find an excuse for why I’m having a hard time, but I also know it is harder to walk away from something addictive if it is staring you right in the face. In the end, though, it is about will power and making a decision despite any uncomfortable feelings, mental or physical. By the end of the day, I had had 5 cigarettes (4 and a half, actually), so I am in line with my original plan. Sigh
It doesn’t help that I am stressed about money. Payday is a little too far away this time and I am certain I do not have enough gas in the van for the cleans I need to get to between now and the 2nd or 3rd. Tomorrow, we are doing a clean for a new client of the guy I’m working through. He selected Lance and I for this clean because he wants the best possible impression to be made. How flattering is that?! This adds to the stress, though, because I do not have all of the cleaning supplies I need to provide my best clean. The things I am the most worried about are oven cleaner and magic erasers, and the gas to get to the job. Since it is now officially fall, rain is the daily forecast, which means not being able to paint curbs to supplement the income and fill in cleaning supplies as needed. So, what did we do to try to fix the situation? Panhandled. It’s not something I’m proud of but a girl has to do what a girl has to do to make ends meet. Unfortunately, the $7 we collected panhandling isn’t going to cover the need. One thing that did come out of standing on the end of an off ramp hoping for the best is it gave me some time to do a mental self-check.
As I was standing there with my sign (This is my plan B), I could feel myself going through nicotine withdrawals. I felt a little shaky, my heart was racing, and I had absolutely no focus at all. Oh look! The mountain is beautiful, look at that old car going by on the freeway, I really need this to work, should I be smiling or just standing here? The mind noise was almost deafening.
Anyway, today and tomorrow are it. I’m hoping my panic doesn’t kick into high gear tomorrow. Its hard enough quitting smoking without my mind throwing in more anxious fodder. Deep breaths, I can do this, I want to do this, I am going to do this….no matter what!