and Done.

I’m sitting here thinking that I may have made a huge mistake spending the money we had on parts instead of buying a tent. Marilyn is still not running and I have no idea what to do next. A mechanic, I guess, but now I have to come up with the money for that, which should be interesting since none of the gigs on Craigslist have responded to me and the job applications and resumes I’ve submitted have triggered no reply, as well. We have $8 to our name (we cashed in the very depleted change jar), about 1\16 of a tank of gas, some mac and cheese, a pasta side, a couple of eggs, 5 pieces of bread, a can of green beans, and enough dog food for a couple more days. We have been forced to quit smoking, as of yesterday. Thankfully I have Nicorette that I had picked up when I got of the hospital this past June.

How does one move forward when they have no foundation to stand on? It’s a serious question, one I already know will continue to go unanswered.

There’s a line in a song that really caught me a day or two ago. I’m certain it’s not the first time I’ve heard it but, for whatever reason, the words connected. The name of the song is Flowers in Your Hair by the Lumineers. The line in the song: “It’s a long road to wisdom but its a short one to being ignored.”  Unadulterated truth. Ok. I know why the lyric caught me. I feel ignored. Duh.

I’m not sure how much longer I will be doing this blog. I don’t think it is doing anything for me anymore, really isn’t doing anything for anyone else and Lord knows my following is nothing to even talk about – 5 years and I’ve never even reached 300 followers. That should tell me something right there. I don’t really get comments so the questions I throw out or requests for advice continue to go unanswered. I can do that without a blog and it won’t feel like even more rejection.

I honestly think I am done with about everything. Over the years I have come to realize that I do not fit into society. I don’t have the right personality or something. I watch others go about their lives, see the community that surrounds and supports them, have tried to emulate their actions, but no community forms, no community supports. What is it you all want from me? To leave you alone? To let you passively watch my life and be able to comment on the good things? To explode into rainbows, butterflies, balloons and fairies so you’re more comfortable? Whatever. I’m done. Take care.