Sleepless, Where Do I Go From Here…

I seem to be staring at a blank page a lot lately. I want to write, there are things running around up there that want out, but I pull up a page, even just a Google Docs page just for me, and …crickets. I don’t know if there is just too much up there that the gate is clogged or if I just really have nothing to write about at the moment. Maybe I just don’t feel that what may come out is worth the effort of putting it there. I don’t know.

My mood, for the most part, is pretty good – no doomsday thoughts – but I’m still not sleeping right. In bed at 9 pm, up at 1:30 am, stay up all day thinking this will reset the internal clock. Go to bed, again, at 9 pm. Up at 3. Crap. From what I can find so far on the internet points to perimenopausal symptoms as the culprit. Oh fun. This is bullshit.

My pillow, blankets, and I have always had a great relationship. I love sleep. I love the comfort and cuddles of nice soft, clean, great smelling blankets cocooned around me. Snuggling up to my pillow is a frequent day dream. Sleep and I have always been close. I still love the crawling into bed, burrowing into the covers, smooshing into my pillow, and falling asleep, I’m just incapable, it would seem, to sleep for more than 4-6 hours at a time anymore. I want more damn time with my pillow.

Ok. That rant is over, at least for now. Sorry. Lack of sleep leaves me cranky.

So, I’ve been trying to find work. Well, I’ve been trying to try to find work. I start looking to see what is available but then, when I see all the different postings, none of them mentioning anything I think I am any good at, my anxiety kicks in. Once that happens, looking seems pointless because I’m reading the ads without really reading it. Does that makes sense? The words are being read, their meanings understood, but the info just isn’t coming through. I think I am going to need help with this.

The other thing with trying to find work not in my industries is the pay. Such a huge pay cut. I’m supposed to go from averaging $20/hr, minimum usually, to minimum wage? Its painful enough changing industries since I can’t do my work anymore, but I have to take a monstrous cut in income, as well?! Less than $400 in take home pay?! SO, now, not only is my anxiety making it difficult to even assess if a position is OK for me, I’m looking at the pay thinking there’s no way this will work out. I used to be able to make that weekly amount in a couple of days. Ugh. Suck it up, buttercup. I know. There’s just got to be a better way.

I’m still being told I should write, turn that into an income. I want to. My biggest barrier is myself, I guess. I don’t feel like I have what it takes to become even ‘support myself’ successful with writing. Maybe I could. The desire is there. I am told the skills are there, or at least lying in wait for me to polish them up through use. There are supposedly tons of ways to write and make a decent living at it, so I’m told through so many different internet searches, such as a “write for us” Google search.

The search yields 996 million results, which one would think that would make finding an income super easy and perhaps it does to the masses. I am not trying to be terminally unique here but I hit the part asking for a query letter and I freeze. How does one write a query letter? I know there are about a thousand or so different links to “how to write a query letter” but I have to admit my whole system seems to shut down while I’m scanning the page to collect basic info before diving into the meat of it that I have discovered I’m not really learning anything. I’ve got to stop this vicious cycle, get over myself, learn query letters, write articles of different natures (I have the info in here, somewhere), and GET OUT OF MY OWN DAMN WAY!

I had really thought the anti-anxiety medication they sent me home from the hospital with would have helped me get past some of my anxieties but I guess that was a bit unrealistic. They just don’t have the ability to completely remove the existence of anxiety from things that require me to put myself in front of what feels like a personal firing squad. Putting myself out there. Why is that so hard for me? Where did this come from? Why?

Ok. I’m going to go. I feel like I’m prepared to face off the learning to write a query letter so I’m going to run at it while I’m feeling all supercharged about it. Cross your fingers for me!!

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