I’m sitting here completely overwhelmed. I should be doing my school work – I am in the last three weeks of the quarter and there is no shortage of what needs to be done – but I can’t think straight. So, I’m here to vomit it all out so I can get back to the priorities sitting directly in front of me that I chose to put there.
- I’m slightly panicked about my biology grade. It’s still a B, and I know I always get super stressed out at the end of a quarter, but… it’s a low B. One wrong move and its all over for me and school. I’m doing all the work, cramming extra hard with the final looming so close, loving the labs (dissected a heart last week, a kidney this week – so incredibly cool).
- A friend that we had taken in seems to be tanking on life. Its going to sound mean but I’m going to say it anyway: the girl has about zero coping skills and I find myself less willing to help her find her feet. It seems she just keeps running at the things that hurt her the most and then is depressed and ‘damaged,’ wondering why everyone/everything “hates” her. It’s frustrating to be on the front lines of that. She was supposedly going in for an assessment this morning to get into treatment to deal with her loss, grief, and trauma. She stayed at a friend of her’s last night and they were supposed to bring her to the assessment then here. I’ve heard nothing.
- Lance is working at his brother’s – a completely great thing other than the distance. We had talked about him staying up there during the week since it is so far but nothing had been sorted out. I had agreed that it was probably a great idea – less gas used, no morning and night commute, hypothetically less outgoing money for him to work. Lance informed me the night before last that he was going to start staying up there, starting the next day. I have no idea why but I immediately felt like he was leaving me, as in not coming back. We talked about it together but I never really got over the feeling and now that he is gone, it is more intense. Despite it being a useless feeling at this time, I can’t make it go away so I feel like I am grieving. I hate this.
- A friend of mine is going in to have a tumor in her brain removed tomorrow. All of me wants to hop in my van that doesn’t do freeways, drive like a crazed maniac to her home and glue myself to her until after she is better. I know she is not alone and my presence will change absolutely nothing, but I still feel like I am failing her. I get it. That’s my issue. What it comes down to is the fact that I do not have mystical powers that would enable me to just visualize her tumor gone and have it disappear, no recovery time, no need for surgery. This is a friend I would love to be able to place a anti-mayhem and anti-bullshit protective barrier around to eliminate any negatives that may have nefarious plans of either doing a drive by or taking root in her life. I am so scared for her and feel like a horrible friend.
- The impending move. Yeah, we still are dealing with that. Its sounding like this spring/summer is going to bring a mandatory move. How am I supposed to handle a move like the one we are going to have to do and my school work? Was I an absolute moron for enrolling in college, again? Am I going to have to drop out or put it on hold until…? We land again??? I know there are a bunch of people who are thinking I am just not adulting this situation but I am doing the best I know how to do and not making any progress. Suggestions?
I am struggling through this pile of things that seem to bring intelligent thought to a halt. I’m in this by myself, it feels. Sure, my husband is beside me, physically, but I feel like I’m still the one that has to figure it all out. If I didn’t have school going, my son living with me, my dogs, a credit score I’ve been diligently working on improving, I would probably just let myself blow in whatever direction the wind takes me, again. Then, again, I know where that ends.