I need an ear, or two…

I am not even sure how to get started here. I have been away for way too long and debated on whether or not I should even come. But, you see, I’m feeling really overwhelmed, stuck, and, oddly, optimistic, at least in some areas, and this is where I come when I need to just get it down in front of me instead of leaving it doing endless laps around my head.

I started classes on January 2nd and I have to say I am so incredibly excited about it. By now, everyone is aware of my penchant for learning, so me being back in college shouldn’t be a surprise. With my life situation, going back to school seems like a no brainer if I want to change my world. I can’t rely on my body, anymore, so I’m betting on my brain. Hopefully it is holding up better than my body.

The classes I have this quarter are Biology 175 and Medical Terminology 105. Both classes are great but I have to admit that I am loving biology more than the terminology by a huge margin. I’m sure it has a lot to do with the fact that my biology class has a lab, which makes it hands on. Medical Terminology is online for me this quarter and, with all of its combining forms, prefixes, suffixes it gets a bit…I guess confusing. I’m trucking along through it, though.

As much as I am loving school, my stress level is extremely high, at the moment. I am trying to juggle school, a very moderate work load, and being the hub of my family, which means I’m the go to here. When I went to college last time, I wasn’t working. I was able to get into a great time management flow before I added a moderate work load to it. Lance was the one in charge of bringing in money back then.

Work has been less than satisfying in more than one direction. I find myself wanting even less to do with cleaning than I had before starting college. I’m not making anywhere close to enough money and adding more to the schedule, whether through the company I’m working with or on my own, just eats into the time I have for studying. This is having a negative affect on my school work, but I feel like I’m stuck in another horrible catch 22: can’t quit working because the bills aren’t going anywhere and Lance doesn’t have consistent work at the moment, but I need more time for my school work.

I’m carrying a B in biology and I’m not ok with that. Plus, I need my grades to be A’s, very high B’s in order to have a shot at getting into the Diagnostic Medical Sonography  (DMS) program. It’s an exceedingly competitive program to get into. I’ve set up a second choice, Radiological Sciences, which is also pretty competitive to get into, but a little less so than DMS. Either way, if I don’t figure out how to get more time for studying along with being able to bring in an income at the same time, I’m not going to make it into either of those programs. Yes, I’m panicking a bit. I don’t do well with lower grades to begin with, and the fact that I have bet my future on going back to college, I’m even more stressed by my biology grade. (I’m carrying a solid A in Medical Terminology) Midterms are next week – sheer panic.

Lance seems to be in somewhat of a sabotage mode, though it seems to directed at me. If he doesn’t work, I may have to not continue with college in order to save us financially, and he doesn’t seem too motivated to find something consistent. I think he is a bit depressed, at the moment. I think my going back to school may be part of it, despite the fact that we had discussed it before hand, that he had suggested it. I believe he is unhappy with the amount of time I will be back in college. His idea was for me to take a program that would take a maximum of 9 months, something along the computer sciences line, and provide me with the ability to make a good to great income without having to rely on my body. Though that is a pretty solid plan, can anyone see me spending days on end in a cubicle, in front of a computer? I can’t, even if I find computer systems intriguing.

One of the other things I think is depressing my husband is I think he wishes he were back in school. He, too, has been in manual labor jobs and has a body that is not too pleased with the work anymore. It’s what he knows and he is really good at it, so he continues with it. When he is working, he makes great money. It’s the lack of consistency that is the problem with that. Maybe he feels stuck, too.

The woman I have been working with has gotten so wishy-washy with everything that I am finding it more and more difficult to not just walk away from the work. Yes, part of the desire to leave is because of school, as I’ve said, but the other part is her back and forth on what it is she says she is going to do or is doing. Plus, she gets a bit forceful when asking me if I have time for an extra clean, a move out clean, when they come up. I can tell her I don’t have the time to add anything else, and she tries to manipulate me into doing it anyway.

She likes to point out the money I would be missing, which is a big one for me, and it is almost like there is punishment of some type for not conforming. I have been using the work van since my van is down (a throttle cable broke, no money to fix at this time). It’s a 94 Plymouth Voyager on its last legs. I am grateful for the use of the vehicle. It has saved me a few times, plus it gets me to school. The agreement we had when my van went down and I started driving the work van full-time was that I would drive it until the wheels fall off or until I get my van going, again.

Well, I told her no on two, back to back move out cleans. I just didn’t have time for that and to get my schoolwork done. Now, she says she had planned on selling the van, trying to get at least $500 out of it so it’s not a total loss. She offered to sell it to me for $400. Number one, the head gasket is going out in the work van, the transmission is beginning to slip, and there are a number of other, less significant things starting to go wrong with that van. Number two, I can not add another ‘payment’ to my budget ($100/wk) along with insurance payments. (No, I don’t have insurance. If you would care to comment on that, please feel free to pay for me to have insurance and we can talk about that, otherwise, whatever) Besides, since I have been the only one driving the van, I have an intimate knowledge of how it is doing and I am seriously doubting that it will still be on the road in a few weeks, max, probably before I would have paid for it. No thank you.

Honestly, I’m at the point with her that I want to do the clean I have today, go to my biology lab tomorrow, and then return the van to her and quit, which I may very well do. I’m going to go in and talk with Adam, my Workforce navigator, tomorrow after lab about work. He has a bunch of employment recruiters/employment agencies he works with that understand the college schedule and there are a number of jobs that would be weekend only work. I can do that. It will eat into the time Lance and I get to spend together, which I don’t like, but at least I would still be bringing in something. Most of these jobs are minimum wage, a few are a little bit more, so not even good money but something. If I can get that set up with him tomorrow, I will be having Lance meet me at my current place of employment so I can return the van and be done with all of that. I have a bus pass that lasts all quarter so getting around wouldn’t be too big of a deal, though my princess self will be completely discontent with not having my own vehicle to get around in. Oh well. At least I’ll still be moving forward instead of losing ground.

I can’t quit school. To quit and just continue to hustle my butt to keep barely making ends meet means…having this life that I am sooo incredibly done with be the choice that I make. I don’t want to choose this. To continue with this, to accept this is all my life will ever consist of, that I’ll always be struggling, never have sure footing, always be juggling and shuffling, no security…. I can’t. I just can’t. It’s killing me, inside. I’ve already lost so much, too much, of me in it. Just no. School is going to be the thing that saves me from this life. It has to.


About dragonflygypsyusa

Over-thinker with way too much availability to the internet to research whatever might come to mind, amateur photographer, dog enthusiast, learning every day, working on finding my undamaged self.
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