I had a friend suggest that I read all of my blog posts. Her thought was that it would be good to see what my perspective is now in comparison to what it was then, whenever that when was. I can see some value in doing that, so reading my old blog posts is what I have been doing. I still am not through them all, there are over 500 of them, but I have to admit that what doing this has made me feel is not at all what I thought it would bring.
I thought I would look back and find some strength, find lessons I couldn’t see at the time, perhaps laugh at myself some at the direness of some things and the lack of intensity on others, and probably find some of my posts worthy of deletion. So far, at about 200 posts in, the only thing I seem to be finding is that part of me wants to just delete the whole thing (dragonflygypsyusa) and start all over, again. The perpetual wheel of discontent and chaos with emotion is a bit much to read back through. So is the valiant efforts to try not to be so overwhelmed and emotional about this or that. I do not feel exceedingly real, though I can’t say that any of the posts were written from a false perspective.
What does this all mean? At this point, not a whole lot since I have not finished all the posts and definitely do not have a plan of action to work from. For now, things will stay as they are, though I have the feeling things are going to change. Looking back, so far, has given me the desire to do better, write more that keeps me going, find things that ignite my inner being to focus on, write less ‘here we go again’ stuff.
Should I just scrap this blog and start another one? Maybe. Will I find that, by the end of reading all the posts, that maybe I should just walk away from blogging? That I should put down the desire to write until I am more certain of my direction? I don’t know.
I seem to be going through some changes, internally. I don’t really know how to explain it, I think. The person I’ve been for a while now just doesn’t seem to fit me anymore, like a pair of jeans, favorite jeans, that just no longer fit, but you love them so much, they have been so comfortable for so long, nothing else fit like them, that you continue to wear them despite the fact that they are no longer comfortable. I guess I am feeling that who I’ve been no longer fits who I am becoming/am, developing into.