Finding My Judgment Untrustworthy…

Here I am, thinking about things – life, work, breathing – and feeling like I just really don’t have anything figured out at all. Though I am grateful for the job, I am beginning to think that, perhaps, this was not the right move for me. Life, well, is life, as usual, and I just get the feeling that I don’t really have that down at all, either. The same things keep happening to knock me off my feet whenever I feel like I’m just about ready to take a few test steps. Breathing? Ha! In with the good air, out with the bad is the mantra, but I find myself holding my breath more than recycling it.  – sigh –

I can’t say there is anything in particular at work that is causing me to feel this has been an error in judgment. It’s definitely not my dream job, the pay is…well, at least I’m making money, and sure, there is the opportunity for advancement, at some point, but…I’m finding it harder and harder to make myself leave for work in the mornings and spend a good portion of my breaks and lunch encouraging myself to stay. I really don’t think its supposed to be this way, but what would I know. I’ve never really worked this type of job, an 8 hour, scheduled shift, with supervisors and stuff. Though I keep telling myself it’s an adjustment that is going to take time, I’m increasingly more miserable. I guess I’m feeling like its time to sit down and really assess my life, as it sits right now, and make some decisions.

Yes, I have complained about the inconsistencies in my lie, the unreliability of income, the “wth” moments that knock my feet out from under me and the seeming lack of resources to deal with these when they come, but I’m not sure I’ve made the right decision(s) to change things. Sure, my job is consistent, reliable, and all that, but…I’m really miserable. I want nothing more than to be able to stay home with my dogs and…

It’s that whole ‘what do I do’ part that is really messing with me. I’ve been telling myself, ‘You say you want to be a writer, so BE A WRITER! Stop f-ing around. Fear? HA! How can you have fear about writing, submitting your writing to a publisher, once you have something put together, when you have faced so much that spun you, made you feel like there was no way to come out of whatever situation alright, that you haven’t figured out? Stop procrastinating!!!’ Yet, here I sit, four hours before work starts, still trying to figure out how I stop feeling so miserable in my life as it is right now. What is wrong with me?!

Fear. Yep, fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of failing, I’m pretty sure there is some fear of succeeding in there, too, fear of… Fear of being all in only to find out that I have bet on the losing horse thinking it was the hidden gem. I really hate that I over think things so much. I just want to be as fearless I perceive so many other to be. Yeah, I tend to make myself the sole slacker in the whole world, despite knowing this is not true. There are plenty others out there. Right, right…not the slacker, just stuck in a rut, stuck in my head in not a good way, defeater of my own self. Ugh.

That’s the crux of it right there – ‘defeater of my own self.’ I’m amazing at throwing up my own roadblocks, whether I do them intentionally or not, with thought or not. Which leads me to wonder if that is why I am feeling so miserable with work, life, etc., at the moment. Am I sabotaging things? Or am I truly recognizing I should be doing something else? I truly do not know the answer. I’ve made so many mistakes when I was certain I was doing the right thing, and have regretted so many things when I have not listened to The Committee screams that what I was doing to ‘achieve the highest benefit despite lack of desire’ was not going to be ‘the right thing’ in the end.

I truly do not know the answer. I’ve made so many mistakes when I was certain I was doing the right thing, and have regretted so many things when I have not listened to The Committee’s screams that what I was doing to ‘achieve the highest benefit despite lack of desire’ was not going to be ‘the right thing’ in the end. How does one trust their own judgment when its been completely wrong so many times?

I’ve actually started writing a couple of stories. I’m not far into either of them, but they are started. My biggest obstacle to moving forward, I think, is letting myself write a crappy first draft. I have such perfectionist ideas in place that its really hard to just let them go, understanding that perfectionism is an unrealistic idea, and that, once I get the whole story out, on metaphorical paper, I can edit as I see fit. Or perhaps, it would be better to have someone else edit for me. I can see myself getting stuck in that mode, striving for absolutely perfect, never seeing if it’s even close to it. At least I’ve started something, though. The first step to it. Now, to write to completion of that SFD (shitty first draft).

So, yeah, I’m a bit confused about what to do, at the moment, which means I’ll probably end up doing one of two things – talk myself out of the job without having a backup income or continue on with this hoping it will be more than I believe it has the ability to be. I think I need some outside help with this one, though I’m not sure where to get that. If I was still in counseling, I would probably talk it out there, but I’m not, nor do I see that happening anytime soon.

I picked up a ’99 Subaru Outback, yesterday. It runs like a champ, though it has some issues with the passenger side suspension. I’m pretty sure I need to replace the front caliper on that side and, in the rear, I think the arm is a little bent. I’ll figure it out. It also burns oil, I have discovered. Not sure what to do about that one, but, again, I’ll figure it out. At least I can take the freeway to work, which will shorten my commute time. Onward and upward, right?


About dragonflygypsyusa

Over-thinker with way too much availability to the internet to research whatever might come to mind, amateur photographer, dog enthusiast, learning every day, working on finding my undamaged self.
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