The weather here has been just icky. Rain, some wind, more rain, dark, gloomy….Fall. This year, I seem to be very seasonally affected. My mood has been less than optimal and I am finding it a bit frustrating – its hard to think straight when gloom and doom are trying to take over. It’s a struggle to find the positives.
I’ve been giving my writing a whole lot of thought, lately. I love to write, but I find that I am dissatisfied with what I have been writing, and with the fact that I have not been writing very much at all. I come up with some ideas in my head, but I can’t seem to write them. I think I haven’t found the courage to write the thoughts that run through my mind.
As I’ve said many times before on here, I really over-think things. When it comes to what I want to write about, whatever that may be, I get lost in the self-edit of things – will this offend anyone, what will people think, am I the only one that thinks these things, am I crazy – and other things. It keeps me from writing. I keep me from writing. I talk myself out of it – “who would want to read that?!?”
I know I have grown tired of writing about my everyday life. It’s boring and sounds a whole lot complaining to me. Besides, I’m in the middle of it and don’t really have the desire to walk through everything twice. Sure, writing about some of the things that happen in my world helps me come to some solutions, clears the clutter so I can see things clearer sometimes, but….well, I’m sick of the goings on in my life so how can I write about them? I think to do so and stop before I can even open my laptop, annoyed with the prospect of my life being my topic. There’s got to be something better to write about. This is where I find myself stumbling around, searching for the words, the ideas. My world consists of very little: I work, I walk and play with the dogs, I pay bills, surf Facebook to escape my life and be a part of someone else’s life for a minute, but that is about it.
I don’t follow the presidential campaigns because, let’s face it, it’s a whole lot of annoying, judging, ridiculous bantering that is separating people is such negative ways. Talking about anything political right now seems like lining oneself up in front of the firing squad with the end result being lost friendships and disconnectedness. No, thank you.
I don’t really pay attention to current events. I don’t know why. I just don’t. Maybe I feel like I have too much on my plate already to load on that helping of current chaos. Besides, there are too many things happening, currently, that leave me feeling heartbroken and appalled. Maybe those are just the things that I am seeing and I should look past those and dig for the nuggets of golden truths that feed the soul and give hope that we are not doomed as a society. That seems like such a warrior mission and this warrior is tired.
On an upside, I found myself interested in Halloween decorations the other day. I haven’t been interested in any holiday decorations for a really long time, now, so it was a bit surprising when I found myself in the Halloween section of Wal-Mart, envisioning different decorations in my yard, around my humble gypsy camp, with a spark of excitement and a slight smile on my face. Perhaps this means that there is a part of me waking back up after going into hiding about 8 years ago when lost everything and started RV life.
One thing I have determined is that I need a vacation from my life. Not a “I’m running away and you’ll never find me” type of vacation, but a reprieve from work, RV life, and responsibilities for a couple of weeks. I have no idea how I would make that happen, but its definitely a need. You know, step out of it, re-gather the internal resources, rest up a bit, then jump back in with fire in one’s soul, again. Or at least feel like I’m not under the pile of muck but on top of it, making progress. Yes, I am well aware that stepping out of it for a minute is not going to change anything, the same crap will be waiting for me right where I left it, but I will feel stronger, more capable of facing the challenge with polished armor and the blade of my sword re-sharpened to a lethal edge instead of this blunt butter knife I feel like I’m wielding now as i attempt to slash my way through the brambles and chaos.