The Battle with Nicotine Continues, The Committee’s Calendar, Defensive Driving…

Well, I haven’t quit smoking all together, yet. The day after my last post, I had a complete nicotine relapse. The next day, I didn’t do very well, either. Yesterday was better but still not great. This morning, well, so far, ok. I have not smoked in the Prius at all, which I’m proud of myself for that, but I’m still smoking some and I’m somewhat frustrated about it.

I find that, over the last few days and the challenges I have had with not smoking, I am more disgusted with the whole smoking thing, in a really in my face sort of way. It also is reminding me of conversations about smoking my parents had with me after I started smoking as an invincible teen. I was soooo full of myself. “I can quit whenever I want” were the words that came out of my mouth, repeatedly. In the words of Bugs Bunny, “What a maroon.”

I’ve been realizing a lot of the reality of my younger days, how I thought, what I truly believed, how close minded I was to the imput/insight of others. It’s really embarrassing to me, when I look back at it. As a teen, I don’t think I could think straight, I was missing a key element to rational thought: experience.

I know that may sound a bit crazy, but I’m not sure how else to put it. When I think back on my teens, the upsets, the unbelievably out of control decisions and actions, the all-consuming belief that my parents just did not get it (whatever ‘it’ may have been at the time), crazy is the first thought that comes to mind. I was crazy, high on experiencing this other part of life that I had no idea even existed. Running with scissors just doesn’t seem to cover it. Maybe running with machetes is a bit more accurate, and seeing as I wasn’t very proficient at wielding machetes, I injured and/or destroyed more than the people and things around me, but myself. My life would probably be so much different now if I hadn’t been so completely insane.

With quitting smoking, all of my life seems to be in front of The Committee for review. Ok. My life seems to always be in a review status, but this week, it seems that a review of my entire life, from my first memories to present day, is almost the only thing on The Committee’s calendar.

It’s not all bad. There are some great memories that have been stored away coming to the surface, things that make me smile, or giggle, at the memory of. There are also a ton of memories that make me sad, remind me of people lost, innocences lost, complete blunders, really, really horrible decisions. The peppering of life, I suppose.

I am two steps away from being able to start to drive for Uber. I just need my business license and my For Hire license. I had to take two tests before I could move onto getting the licenses. One was a Tacoma Knowledge test and the other was a defensive driving course. I aced both of them. The defensive driving course was completely mind-numbing and extremely long. It all just seemed like common sense to me. Maybe that is because I taught myself to drive and have always been unsure of whether or not I knew what I was actually doing, if I was doing it right.

Well, I’m feeling myself searching for a cigarette, so I am going to go back inside and read or something to get my mind off of it. It’s probably going to be a couple more days before I blog, again, since it is still causing me to have some intense smoking cravings. Take care and have a great day, Everyone!!!

 

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About dragonflygypsyusa

Over-thinker with way too much availability to the internet to research whatever might come to mind, amateur photographer, dog enthusiast, learning every day, working on finding my undamaged self.
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4 Responses to The Battle with Nicotine Continues, The Committee’s Calendar, Defensive Driving…

  1. Brenda says:

    The great thing of life is if you don’t like it you can change it. Sometimes it may take longer than you like but you can do it. Stay strong you got this!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. veganfarmer says:

    You’re doing a great job! For me quitting, you knew I had a deadline but it took right to the 10th hour and by then I had waded through so much bullshit in my head that the actual act of not smoking came as a relief. Freedom. You’ll get there….it’s a process. Be patient, be kind to yourself, let it come to you.

    Liked by 1 person

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