“The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them – words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear. “ Stephen King; Different Seasons, page 293
When I read this paragraph last night, it was so…healing in a way, I guess. It put into words how I have felt so many times in my life and didn’t quite know how to say, even to myself. To make it past the fear to actually saying what is in the secret, buried heart that is protected by a fortress wall and a moat filled with alligators and piranha, only to be shut down or completely misunderstood, to not be able to find the words to adequately express the thoughts going on in my head, the thoughts that, at the time, have decided they must be shared. When this happens, I am left feeling even more alone, more isolated, and foolish. Stephen King knows people, inside and out. It’s no wonder he is one of my favorite authors.
Anyway, when I read this last night as I was falling asleep, I felt the intense need to share it. Now I have. My hope is that someone else will read this and also know that they are not alone in this feeling/experience.
I received an email from Uber, yesterday, saying I have passed my background check. Yay! I’m not surprised that I did. I do my best to not create irreparable wreckage in my life. Now, I’m scrambling to get the rest of what I need together/taken care of so that I may start driving. It’s a bit overwhelming, but I know a lot of that is just because I’m stepping out of my comfort zone. Plus, I have some money to come up with in order to move forward.
My mom brought up the issue of safety. This is not a topic I hadn’t considered, but, as I was replying to her email of concern, I realized I could be more thorough in my preparedness. Safety isn’t something I really give a whole lot of thought to, usually. I’m a safe driver, I pay attention to my surroundings, and I’m fairly good at defusing a number of negative situations. I don’t scare easily, and I think this is something that works to my advantage, as well.
I had decided that getting some pepper spray, or something of that sort, would probably be a great idea. I also have an ActionX camera, which is similar to a GoPro camera, which I had planned to talk with Uber about setting up in my vehicle, with the intent of informing any riders that the vehicle is equipped with one for driver’s safety. It occurred to me that perhaps talking with my local police department to see what they recommend for staying safe as a for hire driver would be a really good plan. I’ve added that to my list of things to do.
I think Uber already has some preliminary things set in place to help maintain safety, such as already having the name of anyone requesting a ride, backed by their credit/debit card information. No, this doesn’t help you inside the vehicle, but it does put a name on record, and I believe that would probably help deter criminal activity, to some extent. That is something I may want to talk with my local police department about, as well, to get their thoughts on it.
I’ve also considered taking a self-defense class. It feels weird to think of doing so, though. It just hasn’t ever been something I worried about. I tend not to get bothered by anyone. On the flip side of that, I’m not as young as I used to be. No, I’m not old by any means, but…well, with age comes the assumption of weakness by many people with nefarious intentions. I can’t honestly say that I am worried about this, but being prepared for the unexpected is better than being stuck in a bad situation without a way to defend or protect yourself. Just because I may feel ten foot tall and bullet proof doesn’t mean I actually am.
I have an interview with H&R Block this afternoon. Since my best friend has recommended me to her supervisor, I believe the interview is pretty much just a formality. We shall see.
I’m a little bit nervous about the interview, though. My wardrobe is not a great one. Most of what I own is great for the work I tend to do – painting, construction, cleaning, landscaping – and it shows that. I do have some things, but my shoes…well, they show the wear and tear of the work I do, as well. Swinging by a thrift shop to spend a couple of dollars I don’t really have on a pair of shoes just might have to happen.
Wish me luck!!