I do not know what is wrong with me. I have been super tired for the past week, overall generally tired for the past month, and have no idea why. I’ve gotten enough sleep, am eating healthy, not over sleeping, yet, still I am ready for a nap for pretty much all of the day.
I’ve also noticed that I have started to isolate a bit. My best friend and I usually talk every day but I haven’t even felt like chatting with her. I don’t really have anything to talk about. I also don’t want to go anywhere, even the grocery store. I would say this is depression, but I can not think of anything that could have triggered a bout of the blues. My life is what it is and I’m used to the sometimes never-ending string of challenges that crop up. I’m not saying I thrive on it, because I don’t. I day-dream of the day when my mind will not be busy every moment of the day just trying to figure out how to make it through the next day, or the one I’m in. I’m not thinking depression is my problem.
My creativity level has dropped, as well, as evidenced by my lack of posts or posts that really serve no purpose other than to give me the ability to say I wrote SOMETHING that day and to pull on the creativity strings. A photo here, a photo there…no heart in it though. Even given the writing prompt of ‘goals’ by my dad, and finding researching the info for that post quite interesting, has not lit the fire of creative creation. I’m not liking where I’m at, internally, and I can’t seem to find something that just gets me going, again.
My first go-to was food. What am I not getting enough of that is draining my system? I have a green superfood drink every morning, a couple of vitamin C gummies, my calcium chews, and try to make sure there is fruit somewhere in my day at least once, whether it be the actual fruit or a vitamin and mineral packed smoothie. I don’t think food is the solution.
My next stop was sleep. I don’t know why I would go to this second, since I am tired, but I did. Maybe food seemed like the easier of the two stops to find a solution for. Anyway, since I’m tired, I took a look at my sleep patterns. Am I getting enough sleep? Am I sleeping too much?
Since Lance was gone at his brother’s when I was looking into how I sleep, adjusting it was simple. I noticed there were nights I was getting 9+ hours of sleep, and other nights when I was getting 6-8 hours of sleep. I started making sure that I was getting a solid 8 hours of sleep, and only eight hours, to even things out and see how I felt. I have to admit that, some mornings, I woke up feeling like I was ready for the day and, other mornings, I was still struggling to make it out the door and through my day. Sleep could be part of what is causing my current state of mental health (or unhealth, if you choose). I’m still trying to make sure that I am not over sleeping, but have to admit that there have been a few nights since Lance came home where I didn’t get a solid eight hours in. We get to talking and the next thing you know, its midnight, sometimes later.
I’ve considered that maybe I’m not dedicating enough time to myself. Sure, Lance was gone and I had tons of time to myself. Unfortunately, this doesn’t mean I took advantage of the alone time to really dive into some self-care. Why? I opted for that lazy route, thinking I would have more time to get around to the ‘All-about-Mieke’ self-care. That one is on me. Don’t get me wrong. The lazy route was a bit of self-care in itself, but definitely not full immersion. More along the lines of a baby step, I guess. This was poor time management on my side and a failure to prioritize.
At any rate, I’m still trying to track down what it is I need to do to kick myself out of this mode. I’ve been looking at some classes I can take that are related to some of the things I love to do, like writing and photography. I don’t feel I’m in the right head space to jump into full-on college, right now, and the classes could help me get there, along with honoring my desires.
I haven’t been going on hikes with the dogs for quite a while now and am realizing I should make myself get back to doing that, again. I haven’t found the hikes to be as enjoyable as I remember hiking through the woods used to be. I think part of that has to do with the fact that Lance and the dogs are so far ahead of me and I believe I have been looking to share the experience with someone. I can’t really share it the way I want to with someone who is on their own hike despite heading in with me. But, again, that one is on me. I have to let that go and allow myself to get back to good with hiking around by myself.
This, of course, makes me miss Truman intensely. Lance could have taken off in the woods by himself and my Tru-dog would have been perfectly fine with traipsing around with me. There is no way I could separate one of the dogs from the pack and have them stay with me knowing that Lance and the other two dogs had gone off somewhere without them. Ugh. There is a solution. I can feel it. I just can’t seem to formulate it or find it, which is extremely aggravating.
Well, that’s my ramble for today. I hope everyone is having a great weekend!!!