Another Puddle to Trudge Through…

Its 5:30 am and I’m awake. I can’t really complain too much about it. I slept for about 8 hours. Still, 5:30 seems like incredibly early to be up. Oh well. The brain is working out the problems of the world this morning so, I’m up.

I’m painting in Kirkland today, which is about an hour or so north from here. An early start is what I wanted so I guess it’s a good thing I’m up. Now, if I can get my husband up and moving. It’s odd to be trying to get him going. He is usually up before me.

I’m sitting here with too many thoughts going on, emotional thoughts. Things are going to change here at home this Sunday and I  don’t really know how to write about it. I don’t want to sound like a whiner or …I don’t know. Its heavy, emotional stuff and that can really derail me, especially creatively. I guess the only way to get it out is to just do it so here I go.

As you know, Lance and I have been wanting to quit smoking for quite some time now. There have been multiple attempts, obviously failed attempts. We have talked about this with each other and have come to the realization that we are a trigger for each other to smoke. It makes sense. We have smoked together for nearly 10 years, now. Since we work together, usually, that means we take smoke breaks together, on top of the ‘usual’ times we both smoke when at home or just not at work.

Lance has also been going through a lot of depression. I understand a lot of what it is he is depressed about. He’s a carpenter working as a cleaner, the loss of his thumb, the accident in the truck, the last 7 years of high levels of stress without the feeling of making much progress…I get it. I’m dealing with a lot of this myself. This life we have been living can really put a lot of strain on a relationship, not to mention the feelings of inadequacy in so many different areas of life. I think part of it, for him, is the fact that I have a job and he helps me instead of the other way around, which is how its been for most of our relationship.

Lance has decided to go stay at his brother’s place for ‘a little while.’ I’ll be dropping him off there after we are done painting on Sunday. Part of me is excited about this because I think we both could use a time out to deal with ourselves. Another part of me, the larger part of me, is having all kinds of anxiety about it.

The anxiety has nothing to do with being able to handle things here by myself. I’m not worried about that. I got this. The anxiety comes from him leaving. He has left before, with the intent of not coming back. When he left the first couple of times, I wasn’t working and was devastated in every way, and this is something we have talked about since then. In one conversation, he admitted that he had decided at some point that, should he want to leave, again, he wouldn’t do so until he knew I could take care of myself. That is something that has been popping up in my head ever since he said, about a week ago, he was going to see if he could go stay at his brother’s for a while, with the thought that it would make it so we could each quit smoking without triggering each other or driving each other crazy through it and so he could sort of collect himself.

Yesterday morning, I walked into the trailer while he was talking with his brother. I’m not sure why, but the second I realized he was talking with his brother, I, instantly, had the feeling he is not coming back. I haven’t been able to shake the feeling, either. I’m trying really hard not to buy stock in the feeling, but it is so strong that I am having a hard time not being affected by it.

I tried to take a good look at where the feeling is coming from. Is it because he has left in the past? Or is it some sort of sixth sense knowing? I honestly can’t say. A little of both, maybe? Since I have no way of knowing for sure, and I’m not sure he would tell me if that is his plan, I am trying not to just bring it into reality. I’m trying to just let things play out without putting any energy one way or the other into it. Time will tell how this goes, but, in the mean time, I’m stuck in another sort of limbo. Ugh.

I tried bringing it up last night as we were going to bed. I told him I was having a bunch of anxiety about his leaving, despite thinking it is the right thing to do. I let him know the anxiety isn’t about here stuff but our relationship stuff. I got an “I love you” and a couple kisses on my head, which tells me nothing. I know he loves me, but what does that really have to do with it?

I know I need to just ask him if he plans on coming home and see what he says, how he says it, but a part of me doesn’t want to know. If I know, I have to deal with that. The reality is, I’m already dealing with it. Asking him isn’t going to change that unless he says that he has every intention of coming home and I believe it. Knowing that doesn’t make it any less stressful or make me what to ask him.

So, yeah, I’m stuck inside my head, dealing with my own emotions without all of the facts in writing. It’s a horrible place to be and I’m not sure I’m dealing with it very well. Left foot, right foot…