Loss of Faith and Letting Go…

The forecasted rain has finally arrived this morning. Well, it actually arrived last night, and, since I was driving when it came, it reminded me that I need new wiper blades on the Jeep, bad.  I’ve known I’ve needed them for a while, but it has rained so little, I had forgotten. I’ll take care of that today.

The re-finishing of the tub and sink yesterday went fine. I ended up needing to spray three coats on them both due to some serious pock marks/chips that just weren’t going to go away. There is a wait time of 15 minutes between first and second coats, with no indication of how long to wait should there be a need for a third coat. I waited almost 30 minutes between applying the second coat and applying the third coat. Everything looked good when done, so I removed the masking that I could. The rest of the masking has to stay on for 72 hours. I think this is recommended as a way to keep from accidentally messing up the finish.

Once I had cleaned up the job, I headed north to see my daughter. I was halfway there, already, so it didn’t make any sense to not just head up the rest of the way and see her. I haven’t seen her for a bit and I miss her. We went and had a late lunch, early dinner. I love that girl and really miss having her around.

Oh! The results from the mass they removed from her uterus? Non-cancerous. Just a random skin growth (the body is so amazing). What great news this is!! *deep sigh of relief*

I think my son is depressed. He doesn’t really talk to me about this kind of stuff so I don’t know how to get him talking to me. I ask him if he is ok and he responds that he is, but I get the feeling that he isn’t being truthful about that. I’m a little worried. I think I will wait another day or two and see how he seems then. I don’t know what else to do, and I hate that he won’t talk to me about his emotions. That is his dad’s doing. His dad was not good with the less fun emotions, didn’t really share them, and raised my son in that way. I keep trying and my son has opened up a bit over the last few years of living with me, but he still keeps things pretty close to the chest. I’m the exact opposite so it is a bit frustrating.

Still no Cernunnos. Yeah, there is part of me that is still holding on to hope that he will just stroll in one day like “hey! what’s up?” I know I said its time to realize that I am down a cat, but I can’t help but hope. There has been more than enough death around here for quite some time.

I’ve been listening to Melody Beattie’s More Language of Letting Go: 366 New Daily Meditations. Powerful stuff. I’m listening while I’m driving down the road or at work, and I find myself responding to what I am hearing with surprised huh’s and “I’m trying.” I think because of the format of the book, daily meditations, I am really hearing what she is saying and finding so much truth in it. Maybe I’m just in a spot of openness that is allowing me to really hear and understand.

Melody mentions in the beginning that she uses God as the term to refer to whatever higher power works for you, and that she may refer to said deity as he or she, depending on her mood. She offers short prayers for some of the daily mediations. I have come to realize that I have been having a pretty intense aversion to anything remotely religious in nature, and toward a higher power, in general. Ok. Maybe not anything remotely religious, but more along the lines of anything the might indicate a faith in a higher power.

I knew I was having some issues with faith, have for quite some time, but I had no idea, or refused to acknowledge, that I was refusing to have any faith at all toward any deity, from God to Allah to Venus to Goddess to whatever. I know why, too, though I tried to hold on for quite a long time. It has been extremely hard to remain optimistic about a higher power ever since 2009, when we lost everything and moved into our first RV.

I prayed daily, practiced rituals, held on to the golden ticket of hope for a long time. Life just kept dumping on us, and I just kept praying and performing rituals of faith, putting my whole heart and soul into them, believing that it would make a difference. Life kept throwing heartache, disappointment, frustration, new problems to learn how to navigate. I eventually stopped believing that prayer and ritual actually did anything more than give me something to focus on besides my life at the time. I stopped praying. I stopped performing rituals. I stopped believing.

As I’m listening to Melody Beattie, hearing the small, simple prayers she offers as suggestions for letting go and moving forward, I find myself letting go and repeating, out loud, the prayer she has offered. I’d say it couldn’t hurt, but I already know that it could. Nothing hurts quite like letting go of faith in a higher power, whatever that means to you. Some serious disappointments and feelings of abandonment have to happen first. Then there is the feelings of being a fool for believing in the first place. It’s not pretty, its extremely lonely, and the heartache that comes from it is enough to make one wonder if it is even worth it to believe in anything or anyone as being a comfort, a confidant, a place of solace, something to turn to in times of strife, grief, and/or complete joy.

I’ve always been drawn to nature. The woods, gardening, the ocean, whatever. Get me out in it and then just let me be. I’ve mentioned these things and places before as places that I find my soul. I hadn’t realized that when I put down faith in a higher power, grabbed on to life is just life and it happens the way it happens and there is no one and nothing that is going to help you through it or give you comfort along the way, I had taken away part of what nature gives me. Connection. Sure, I still feel better out in nature than I do in the confines of the urban environment, but it is not the same. It is detached, somewhat. There is a part of it missing. I’ve told myself that this is just where I’m at, almost pretending that I feel what I used to feel as I’m traipsing through the forest on a hike, but its a lie. Is it psychological? I have no idea. Maybe.

I’ve just been distracted. I was gazing out toward the yard, not really seeing it, as I was thinking, and movement made me focus in. I have hung a number of sunflower heads on the fence for drying so I can collect the seeds later. Some of the heads are definitely ready for seed collection. There are little chickadees and such flying from the closest tree to the sunflower heads, stealing seeds. I love it and appreciate the smile that it has brought to my face, and soul. I guess this one thing is a good spot to finish this post. Have a great day, Everyone!!

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About dragonflygypsyusa

Over-thinker with way too much availability to the internet to research whatever might come to mind, amateur photographer, dog enthusiast, learning every day, working on finding my undamaged self.
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