Letting Go of Puppy Lust, Remembering Those That Came Before, and Trying to Figure Out What Comes Next and How…

bed-head sunflower

bed-head sunflower

The sun is out this morning and it is about 55 degrees. A little chilly but not horribly so. There is a forecasted 30% chance of rain later on today but I am having a hard time putting much stock in that forecast. There is not a single cloud in the sky that I can see. Good. The sun is always a good prescription for whatever is ailing me.

Brucie Bruce is healing well. He is almost using his back paw/leg, again. The wounds are looking much better and his foot is only slightly swollen. He should be back to his old self, again, soon.

Brucie seems a little lost. He keeps circling around, talking to me, and I can’t seem to provide what it is he is asking for. I think he might be missing Cerny. They were so close and, though they did do stuff on their own, they played and romped around together a lot of the time. Brothers from different litters. I hope he doesn’t get too depressed over the absence of Cernunnos. I guess time will tell.

I looked at puppies a little bit, yesterday. Hardly at all in comparison to the previous days’ viewings. Mostly, I just looked at one or two, then I would close the browser. I just need to make the pack we already have work for me. I’m not sure how but I have told myself that expecting things to re-align after a little over a month is unrealistic. I need to give it time, more time. A rhythm will develop.

I’ll admit that the idea of a new puppy is still quite enticing. New life in my world. New, unhistoried life in my world. Somehow this has not transferred over to the cats, though I did have the fleeting thought of possibly ‘needing’ to get a kitten for Brucie to pal around with. I dropped that one pretty quickly, though. I don’t really need or want another cat. I don’t think getting a new kitten would solve anything, for me or for Brucie. It would not be Cerny and I am certain that is what I would be looking for. I’m not sure why this doesn’t apply to the whole puppy situation.

I guess maybe I don’t look at the puppy situation the same way. I’m not trying to find my new Tru-dog. It would be a new relationship. Tru was Tru, a one and only. There is a definite void left in his place. Though I loved Cerny deeply, it doesn’t feel like there is a void left behind. I’m not really sure why that is. Cerny was not my Bellenus (my cat before Cerny that I was completely bonded to) and, though I feel like I bonded well with Cerny, it was not as intense as the one I had with Bellenus. It was quite different.

Anyway, I am going to put the puppy thing down now. I think I am just torturing myself and making the healing process go slower. I guess I just needed to go through puppy lust for a minute, as part of the process. Grief is such a weird and disturbing thing.

I think I am going to talk with Lance about him getting a job that we can rely on the income of. I’m feeling a bit worn out. I want to talk with the guy I work for about just cleaning the condo complex common areas for a bit. This would leave me with some income and time to pursue some schooling if I can figure out the funding for it. It feels like a huge catch 22, but I think I can figure out how to make it out of that loop. I hope I can, anyway. Research and planning.

Well, the day is slipping away. As much as I would love to stay home and hang with Enzo and Achilles (Lance and Luna are up north doing some work), it doesn’t pay the bills. So, with that, I am off to clean the condo common areas. Have a great day, Everyone!!!


About dragonflygypsyusa

Over-thinker with way too much availability to the internet to research whatever might come to mind, amateur photographer, dog enthusiast, learning every day, working on finding my undamaged self.
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