I woke up completely angry this morning. I know there are a few things that are really bugging me in my world, but I wouldn’t think that they would be enough to kick off a day in anger. I’m trying to keep to myself and keeping talking to a minimum because I don’t trust my mouth right now.
I can feel a self-destruct mode trying to take hold and I’m not ok with that. I’m also not really sure how to combat it other than to just keep my mouth shut, keep doing things the way I usually do them, make no impulsive changes to anything, and try to breathe until the feelings go away.
I think I just might be needing a good, old fashion soul cry. I’ll have to see where I can fit that in, along with the recovery time afterward. I just don’t see any room for that right now in my world. Yes, I know that sounds really pessimistic, but it is where I’m at and I’m trying to work it through.
I think its safe to say that Mr. Cernunnos is gone. I have not seen him or any sign of him for too long. I am now without my dog and without my cat, and all in about a month’s time. This really sucks.
Brucie seems to be healing ok from his wounds. He is still tripoding it, but his foot looks like it is almost back to its normal size and his wounds appear to be healing, no infection. I’m grateful for this. I really don’t need one more animal gone.
I love Brucie, though he is not my cat. He is my daughter’s cat. If she were to come home, Brucie would be wanting to be wherever she is at, once he got done being mad at her for being gone. Cernunnos was my cat. I want to scream.
I was looking at puppies, yesterday, on Craigslist. There are a lot of German Shepard puppies available, right now. There was one black GS puppy who looked like a little, fuzzy bear that made me stop for a minute and play with the idea of getting a puppy, but I quickly pushed it aside. I kept looking at more puppies, though.
I came across this oh my god adorable Border Collie/Husky mix that I immediately fell in love with. I showed it to Lance and he agreed that it was beyond adorable. We were still at work so I put my phone down (we had been on a break) and went back to getting the finishing touches on this clean done. I thought about that puppy the rest of the time.
When we got to the Jeep to leave, I emailed the person with the Border Collie/Husky mix to see if they still had it. I have gotten no response, which is probably a good thing. I probably shouldn’t be getting a puppy right now. I’m a little bit obsessed by it and that just doesn’t sound like the right way to approach getting a new dog. I think the obsession is proof that I’m not ready, that I’m just feeling really lost without my dog, and it has been made worse now that my cat is gone, too.
So, I guess this all boils down to the reality that I am grieving. I tell myself I’m not, that I just have to keep moving forward, that I cried and felt what I needed to feel at the time, that I’m ok. The reality is that I’m not ok, moving forward is just plain difficult and painful, I haven’t felt all I’ve needed to over the death of my dog, my cat going missing, the life I’ve been living for the past 7 years, losing so much over those 7 years, all the deaths of so many that I have loved. I can’t just stop, just sit and cry until it no longer hurts so overwhelmingly. What’s worse is I have been pushing so much of the pain over the years to the back, or just pushed it aside, in favor of continuing to keep moving forward, and its piling up.
Yeah, I know this sounds like a big ole pity party for me. Maybe it is. Maybe I need to just be with my pain and complain about it, scream about it, wail about it. Maybe I need to hear from others that its going to be ok, that I’m alright, that the pain I am feeling is a lot and that its ok to just let myself feel it and experience it, that I have to or it will continue to eat at me. Maybe I just need someone else to take the reins for a while so I can rest, deal with all of what I have not allowed myself to deal with, so that I can get back up again without the load that feels like it is about to knock me to the ground. Maybe I just need a hug.