Clarity of Falling Asleep…

So, I’ve come to a few decisions the last couple of days. One decision really became concrete as I was falling asleep last night. The time as I’m falling asleep seems to be a time of either clarity or the time when my inner voice, not The Committee, gets through the loudest. Maybe this time of letting go, of allowing the day and all of its thoughts of this and that float away, and allowing myself to drift into the subconscious world, is when my heart’s desires can be heard the best. Or maybe the thoughts or ideas that come to me at that time feel more empowered because it is the time when my conscious mind winds down to single thoughts before letting go completely. At any rate, the thoughts that came last night became decisions that I can feel the fire of this morning.

I’ve been talking about school, again, as you know if you are one of the ones that read this blog regularly. I’ve mentioned the idea of becoming a real estate agent. I mentioned some other real estate related ideas. My husband and I have been discussing these ideas along with a couple of other ones.

One of those ideas is going to school for photography. Though this is something I think I would enjoy and be good at. I know that this can be an area that it can be difficult to reach a higher level of success in (aka: I can support myself and family). In other words, it can be hard to get into the photography industry and make money at it. At least, that is my understanding of it. I could be wrong. Anyway, too much uncertainty to really look at it as a viable option at this time, I think.

Another idea, one I had brought up to my husband, one I have avoided for a number of different reasons, all personal reasons, fear mostly, is becoming a drug and alcohol counselor/addiction specialist. In a lot of ways, this avenue makes a lot of sense. Drugs and alcohol have been a part of my life, in one way or another, for most of my life. Not in my childhood home, but pretty much since the moment I have been exploring life on my own.

The fear part that has kept me from openly considering this in the past is the heart breaking aspect of those you just can’t help, yet. Those that go back out, relapse. Sure, there is still that, but I think I have found a place in myself that has come to terms with it. You just can’t help some people save themselves. They aren’t ready. You can only do what you can do and hope.

I’ve mentioned on here that I used drugs and alcohol for many, many (too many) years. I spent quite a few years in 12-step programs and meetings. I know both sides of the fence pretty well. I’ve seen people relapse, come back, start to get it, then relapse, again. I’ve seen people celebrate double-digit years of sobriety and learned from them, listened to what they had to say. I also know that everyone’s recovery is different, personal. I’ve held the hands of friends as they went through the relapse mode that happens before actually picking up. I believe I have a firm grasp on the topic of addiction. This is the decision that became concrete as I was falling asleep last night.

I have maxed out my available funding at the associate’s level of schooling, so, in order to make this happen, I am going to need to pay for it myself. Ugh. I’m not sure how that is going to happen, but I am going to need to figure out how I do so. I’ve thought about waiting until my settlement comes in from the accident, but I’d really like to get started on it now, or as soon as possible. Besides, I have no idea when the accident stuffs will be settled or how much that will be. Whatever/whenever it is, it will definitely come in handy with schooling when it does. There is so much I need to figure out before I can even consider getting it going, but I will make it happen somehow. Second job? Not sure that would leave me any time for school work AND managing my life. I know there are tons of people who go to school that way but…well, I’m not sure I’m one of those people.

The other decision I came to is that I need a dog. I started looking at dog breeds online, yesterday. If I get a dog, I want a dog that would have been considered a medium-sized dog when I was growing up: a dog no taller at the head than my knee. I also want the dog to not be high energy. We have three high energy dogs, and I love them dearly, without end, but the dog I want is one that is ok with just hanging out with me at work and home, that is not going to become overly excited by the mere idea of possible play. I would still be walking the dog every morning and evening but I don’t want to have to exhaust myself in order to exhaust the dog. I want a dog like my Tru-dog. I’m not expecting the dog to be Tru, but Tru’s personality fit mine perfectly. I guess you could say he set the bar.

I’m not sure I’m going to get a pup any time soon. I’m still reconciling the fact that we already have three dogs. We honestly don’t need a fourth, but I miss having a dog of my own, and our three are really tuned in to Lance. They love me, Achilles claims me when we are just relaxing at home, Enzo makes sure I know he is there, but the second Lance shows any inclination that he might be doing something or going somewhere, I am left in the dust. There is too much that I am still working on in my head and heart over this one for me to make the decision to follow through. I think I need to have this roll around for a bit longer, still, before moving forward with it or just putting it down for now. It’s definitely a decision that can’t be made without some serious soul-searching and self-honesty.

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About dragonflygypsyusa

Over-thinker with way too much availability to the internet to research whatever might come to mind, amateur photographer, dog enthusiast, learning every day, working on finding my undamaged self.
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