Its 52 degrees this morning, which is better than the 46 degrees it was yesterday morning. Yesterday had sun in it; this morning, it is raining the standard NorthWest rain. I’m trying to get myself in mode to be good with the change of seasons, the looming of Winter, the cold, the rain, the blah.
Sometimes I wonder if the lack of ‘yay’ over moving into the colder seasons has to do with the fact that these seasons here mean gray, gloomy, wet, cold, leaving not a lot of visually beautiful things to distract me. Or maybe I just find it harder to find the visual beauty tucked into the muck. I guess I need to set a goal for myself to find that beauty over this fall and winter. I hate that the change of seasons has such a negative effect on me.
As I was falling asleep last night, my mind wandered to when I was a kid. I think I’m trying to get a better understanding of myself and how my life went so tragically wrong in so many ways. Maybe wrong isn’t the correct term to use here. Mapping my path to here maybe. At any rate, this started memories of psychological evaluations I have in the past and some of the questions I have been asked. I don’t think I really had enough of an undertanding of myself at these times to accurately answer these questions.
I have always looked back on my teen years as a time when I was depressed, but I don’t think that is quite right. I think, from the time those lovely hormones kicked in somewhere around 11 years old, I was manic, with bouts of hypo-mania, followed by severe depression that either showed up as suicidal ideations or extreme anger. Mood swings doesn’t seem to cover it. It was more like….emotional earthquakes rating on the higher end of the Richter scale, with some of this being more like a nuclear bomb, obliterating anything and/or anyone within my vicinity.
Looking at it this way brings some clarity to so many other times in my life when emotional chaos seemed to rule the roost. Hell, emotions still seem to rule the roost, at times, though the chaos part of it doesn’t seem to be present or just isn’t so pronounced. Or maybe it has changed how it presents in my life, now. I don’t know. I spend so much time in emotional numbness, I think, that I am not sure how everything presents itself now. At least, it feels that way.
There is a part of me that feels I should be looking into medications, again, though I’ll admit that there is an even bigger part of me that just says no. I’ve spent years trying to figure out the right medication cocktail to appropriately deal with my bipolar without much success, from my viewpoint. Pretty much anything they put me on anymore just leaves me feeling emotionally empty, detached, even from the things that mean the most to me. I don’t think it should be that way.
Another reason I am wary to pursue medications, again, is they have left me completely unmotivated or so lethargic that functioning at all drops to an extreme low. Only the least taxing of items seem do-able. I’ve been working for a year, straight, at a job I really don’t like at all, which is saying a lot. I can’t remember ever working for that long, continuously, for the same employer, ever in my life. I worry that medication will screw that up and I am beyond not ok with that. Knowing there is money coming in, consistently, is such a stress reliever and not one I am willing to let go of.
I know that the bipolar is part of the reason that I find myself so often discontent with my world and I feel I have lost the ability to determine when the discontentedness is the bipolar and when it is actual discontentment. This means I often mistaken bipolar discontentment with not being ok with something, that something is wrong. I hate that, but I don’t really think I have an answer for it, yet. More stalking of the brain and my actions seems to be it.
One thing that bothers me about trying to find medication solutions to my bipolar is the level of insurance I have. State funded insurance (yes, poor people’s insurance) has its limitations and is often greeted with a lower level of treatment. Anyone that does not believe this has never been on this side of the fence. I’ve talked with other people with bipolar, both the ones with great insurance and the ones with insurance like mine, and the stories I have heard about treatment from those with great insurance leave me feeling a bit rejected and slighted by the treatment I have received. Its frustrating.
One thing I am starting to do to deal with my bipolar is the hiking. Regular exercise has been shown to greatly improve the mental health of those with bipolar. Yes, hiking once every two weeks is not regular exercise. I’m working on that, but it’s a start. I am also trying to eat healthier, another thing that has shown to help with stabilizing bipolar, for many people. I say trying because it seems to be a process with me. I do really well, and then I have a few days of horrible eating. Bad habits. I have added something to my diet that helps for when I have those horrible eating days.
Every morning, I make myself a green drink. It consists of juice (whatever I have on hand. this morning, its apple juice), yogurt (also whatever I have on hand. this morning; strawberry), and a scoop of Amazing Grass Green Superfood. The description on the site says:
“Our Amazing Grass® Green Food Blend includes a proprietary combination of organic, non-GMO wheat grass, barley grass, alfalfa, spirulina, spinach, chlorella and broccoli. Every serving is chock full of all the necessary vitamins and minerals you and your loved ones need to start—and finish—the day feeling healthy.” If nothing else, I know I am getting some much-needed nutrients into me, and I have found that getting at least some of the good stuffs into me makes me lean toward other healthy things when I reach for something else to eat. Psychological? Maybe, but if it works in a positive way, why question it?
Anyway, its a work in progress, one I believe may end up being something I will always be working on as I age and my bipolar makes its normal, age related progressions. This should help with that, as well, I have been told. Whatever happens, I know my body will be happier and healthier.