Fall is here. Sure the calendar says something different, but everything outside says fall. My plants are showing signs of it, its super chilly in the morning even when the temperature isn’t that low, and I’ve started to see the leaves changing color. We even turned on the heat for a little bit last night. Fall is here.
I had the day off yesterday so Lance got the truck ready and we headed up with the dogs for another day of hiking. Our first stop was at the Nolte State Park, which offers a 1-1/4 mile hike around Deep Lake. Nothing challenging, really, other than the dogs are having to learn how to walk out in the woods on leashes. They did really well, though the fact that this was a new place with new smells and new things to see made it challenging for them to walk right where they are supposed to. Still, they did great.
Enzo wanted to go swimming so he backed out of his collar, once. I was right there so I stopped him with a gentle hand on his back, then urged him back to Lance so I could slip his collar back over his neck. He didn’t protest, really. More of a “Really? Ahhhh…damn.” type of thing. He’s such a good dog.
When we finished our loop around the lake, we decide that the really wasn’t much of a hike and wanted more. We weren’t too far from Federation Forest, so we decided to head over that way. We drove up to the parking area, this time, and started from there. Yes, the last hike, all up hill until headed back, left its mark. It was a great hike to see where I’m at, exactly, in my abilities, but I have no desire to hurt like I did coming back down to the truck. The hike we took yesterday was perfect.
White River runs through the park and the dogs really, really wanted to get in the water.
We hiked for a little bit until we found a spot that they could get in without it being dangerous to do so. Parts of the river move pretty quickly so we were looking for a spot with a turn out that slowed things down a bit close to shore. There was a stretch of sand and rock that we could walk on while the dogs ran around, sniffing everything, and getting a little wet. There really wasn’t a good spot for them to actually swim but they seemed happy enough to be able to just get in the water a little bit.
We probably scared an elk, possibly two, away on our trek to get to the water. I think the dogs may have seen a glimpse of it because they keep looking across the river to the other shore and then the little island that the river created as if they saw or had seen something and really, really wanted to get across the river to investigate or chase it. Despite looking, I never saw more than the print in the sand.
We headed up the bank of the river and just started winding through the trails. Many of the trails had been blocked off by felled trees. Most of the trees we could just climb over or around but they also caused the trail to become obscure in its definition and I am certain part of our hike was following game trails until finding the established trail, again. It was a nice, standard forest floor hike, not too aggressive, and the dogs were in heaven. Again, I did most of this hike by myself, which was fine by me.
I spent a lot of the time hiking figuring out how to come to terms with the fact that the three dogs we have are pretty much Lance’s dogs. I fluctuate between being ok with this and being heart-broken by it. I argue with myself about the fact that we DO NOT need another dog. I wrestle with the idea of working with Enzo or Achilles with the thought of having one of them become my dog. Luna is Lance’s dog, no question about it, which I’m ok with. I’m a boy dog kind of girl. They are more laid back and that works really well for me. But, which of the boys do I pick? What if one of them really feels like I’m their person, despite being tuned into Lance, and I pick the other one? Yeah, I get that I am probably putting way too much thought into it, and it is about the time I have this thought that tell myself I am just going to have to figure out how to be good without a dog of my own. I miss my Tru-dog.
I’ve also found myself evaluating my marriage when we are on these hikes. Ok. I’m evaluating it more than just then, but it is a time when nothing else is going on around me to distract me. I love my husband, definitely. I don’t think either of us are very happy in the relationship, right now. We seem to be going through a period of being room mates, basically. Unfortunately, we seem to be roommates that don’t really like our room-mate. That’s not really the right description, but I guess its close enough. I guess I’m just feeling like I’m in the relationship by myself and, if I’m going to be in it by myself, then I’d rather be alone.
I get that relationships cycle. I get that marriage can be hard sometimes. I just…I don’t know. I guess I’m missing aspects of our relationship, important aspects, that we had when we got married that seem to have disappeared, completely. I know I’m not the same person I was then, and Lance definitely isn’t the same person. I know people grow and change, continually, but I just feel like we are not evolving together. It feels as if we both are having second thoughts and finding disappointment. I guess I’m just hoping we get out of this phase soon. It feels like we have been stuck here for an impossibly long time.
Another area that demanded attention while hiking yesterday is work. I really want to do something different from what I am doing. I’m tired. I ache. I’m sick of being around completely toxic cleaning supplies and I know I can’t afford to switch over to all natural cleaning products.
I’ve looked into what it would take to become a real estate agent. In some ways, this makes sense to me. Pretty much everything I’ve done work-wise has had to do with real estate in one form or another: house cleaning, move out cleaning, landscaping, painting, construction/remodels. I don’t find much support on this one, though. Everyone says it’s really hard to get into and do well in. I think I could do it, but… I guess I’m looking for someone to just say “it’s really hard but I bet you could do this.” I’m not sure, exactly, why I am needing the outside, emotional support on this, but I am.
I’ve toyed with the idea of being a real estate appraiser. This would require me to look in crawl spaces. I don’t do crawl spaces. I can’t. They freak me out too much. Spiders, tiny space, possibly rats or other rodents, under a house….no. Just no.
Whatever it is I am going to end up doing, I obviously need to do more research and thinking about it, despite wanting to be able to just wake up tomorrow and start something new, something I enjoy doing, something that makes it not so hard to cover what needs to be covered and that can help me move forward from the limbo I feel I’ve been stuck in for way too long.