I’ve been really horrible about writing, lately. It seems like I just don’t have the time but I think that is more me than reality because I’m seeing some similar stuff showing up in other areas. I don’t really want to go anywhere, I’m less aggressive about work…I guess I am finding myself less interested in the parts that keep this family afloat and more interested in the things I like to do, like my garden, taking photos, playing with the dogs.
The weird part of all of this is that I am feeling really secure in myself these days. I’m not panicked about finances, for the most part. I’m really ok with saying no to work I really don’t want to do or that I feel will leave me barely able to move the next day. Part of me is a bit worried about this since its not like I’m financially secure and can just blow off money coming in. I have to admit that that is the feeling I’m having, though.
I’m obviously going through something. I’m not sure what it is, but I can see it. In my true fashion, and as part of my way of deciphering what it is that is going on with me, I have started looking back to see if I can tell what kicked this off. I believe it may be connected with the accident with the moving truck.
Lance and I were talking, recently, about stuffs…how we are getting along, things I am not pleased with in our life and between us, things I feel I’m not getting out of the relationship that I feel I need, how I’m feeling about work and the future. I talked with him about what it is that I’m going through. While we were talking, I heard myself say something along the lines of “I think the accident sparked some of this. It’s like it was just one thing too much.” I am kind of stuck on this one.
I keep going back over things, what was going on before the accident, how things have gone since the accident, to see if I can pinpoint the impetus for the change in me. I keep coming back to the point immediately after the accident…the intense, uncontrollable shaking, the confusion. The thing is, I don’t know what to do about it, if I need to do anything about it, or whether or not it is such a bad thing I am going through, now.
I’ve decided that this may not be the best time to be making really important decisions about much of anything. I’m not sure if I have me feet under me or not. I can’t say I’m unnerved by this whatever I’m going through, just paying more attention, and trying to stay open to the possibilities.
One of my very dear, amazing friends is getting married tomorrow to a very dear and amazing man. I’m so excited about it! I love them both so much and to see them get married is just a source of complete joy for me. They truly are incredible people.
I haven’t done anything, really, with my hair for quite some time. I had decided to not color it until all of the remaining color had grown out and then go from there. I haven’t been pleased with how my hair has been looking but I wasn’t motivated to do anything about it. Sure, I’ve been having it trimmed but that was it.
In honor of my friends’ wedding, I had my hair done yesterday. It really looks great! I was just going to have a cut and color, but decided, since it is summer, I would add some highlights (something I have never had done before). I’m so grateful for the job the hairstylist did. I’m really happy with my hair, now, and have plans of keeping it up like this.
Getting my hair done yesterday has really made me see just how much I haven’t been taking care of myself. It has also given me some motivation to change that. I think I haven’t been really doing the whole left foot, right foot thing but something more like crawling every inch forward, and its way past time to get back up on my feet.