It never really quite rained yesterday. Misted, yes, but never rain. The mist wasn’t the heavy misting we get that soaks you to the bone in about 2 seconds, but a light mist with tiny, random dots on your windshield that you could play a very creative game of connect the dots with. I don’t remember the sun making a single appearance, yesterday, though.
The rain is here, completely, this morning. It makes me a little melancholy, though. It doesn’t help that I am a bit tired. The two factors together make me want to crawl back into bed with a good book and spend the day in another world. Sigh…I must have been a princess in a past life 🙂
Anyway, I have been thinking a lot lately about school. I really would like to take some other classes and am feeling like I choose the wrong thing to study for the degree I do have. The topic of the type of therapist I would make has come up lately in different conversations and it has caused me to really think a bit much along this line.
I guess I’m just wishing I had followed that thread instead of criminal justice. It had been a desire of mine, once upon a time. I’ve maxed out my available funding for an Associates level degree, so going back to follow the psychology thread really isn’t an option unless I were able to find alternate funding to do so.
Then there is figuring out work and school. I know there are a ton of people who do both. I’m not sure I am one of those people who could do well in school and work at the same time. Maybe I could, but I really don’t think so. I guess I’m just not there, yet.
I’ve been thinking about my life a lot lately. How I live today is so very different from the way I lived growing up. It has made it really hard for me to pull out the good that goes on in my life. I see my ‘lovely’ gypsy camp and it is so out of line with the way I believed I would be living when I would day-dream about it as a kid.
But, when I stop long enough, take the time to really ‘see’ my life, stop looking at the visual and look at the important things, like love, happiness, laughter, joy, growth… I have lived a pretty good life. Sure, there are parts of it that are less than great, some that are down right…damaging…but, as a whole, I have lived a really good life up to this point.
I have loved and been loved from the depths of my soul and the soul of another. I have a great friend of over 25 years. I have kids that talk to me, at their own level of comfort and tuned in to their own personalities. I have another friend that loves me and gets me in a way that I don’t think I’ve truly experienced elsewhere. I have a husband that loves me and that I love. I’ve gotten to enjoy the company of animals in my household. I haven’t traveled extensively, but I’ve seen some things, some life. I’ve gotten to do some of my own things. A lot of my own things, actually.
I’ve missed out on enjoying, completely, these beautiful things by being stuck in the visual aspect of it. Sure, my living conditions aren’t ideal, but they could be a million times worse, and it allows me a level of freedom in many areas of my life. I’ve gotten to sample many different areas of life, things that have sparked my interest and other things I had no idea I might enjoy. I’ve also gotten to experience some things that I believed I would love and found out that I don’t.
I have gotten to experience a variety of different types of people. Though many of these were just passing through for a bit, I’ve learned from each of them, whether if be about life, other people, or myself. I’ve learned how to forgive when everyone around me has wondered how I could begin to do so. I’ve learned the value of other human beings, regardless of whether or not I agree with the life path they have chosen.
I think its time I stop worrying about what anyone thinks about my visual state of life. I need to let go of my own created expectations of myself that were created partially by the life I had growing up. I need to find my own thoughts for myself. I need to stop letting the rest of the world have a say in my happiness. I need to get out of my own way and let the joy in.
I’m definitely not blaming the world or the Universe for the icks that have trudged through parts of my life. I create my own reality, and I have left too much of that up to other people, events, stuff. In this moment, I can see all the good and I am completely grateful for that. It allows me to see the truth of what I have believed and what I have allowed to stand in my way of forward progression in so many areas of my life.
Today, I am going to make a promise to myself. I promise that I am going to remember to always find the joy that sometimes hides behind the curtain. I’m going to stop being so worried about what others think of me and be true to what is inside of me. I’m going to stop letting old thinking patterns inhibit me. Its going to take time to get good at these things, but I am promising myself to let myself out of the box I’ve put myself in and figure out how I let my own light shine. Today,I promise myself to be good with me.