I cried today. I don’t know why or what spurred it, but, in the middle of work, I started crying. Not just the leaky eye type of crying, either, but the can’t breathe, from the soul crying. I’m really grateful noone showed up to show the unit today.
Maybe the crying was just a pressure release type thing. Life has been a bit of a challenging roller coaster for a number of years now and there is a whole lot I haven’t processed, yet, because to do so then would have broken me. Well, at least it felt that way, and still does, to a certain extent. Someone had to be the strong one and noone else was raising their hand to do so, so it fell to me by default. It is what it is, whatever IT is.
Anyway, I don’t feel the crying is a result of the antidepressant. Well, maybe it is. I’ve gotten to step out of the level of depression I was at to something a bit more manageable, less taxing, and perhaps even that small level of relief was just enough for the system to let go of some of the baggage. I don’t know. It makes more sense to me in my head than when I write it done here. Whatever the reason for the cry, it happened, and I wasn’t left feeling like life, my life, was nothing but a big bag of worthlessness. Yes, I go there.
I have three tulip blooms left. The rest have given all they can and laid their petals to the ground. I have really enjoyed them and I’m a bit surprised because I’ve never really been fond of tulips. Its not like I didn’t like them but I didn’t really like them, either. Nothing I’ve been drawn to before. Anyway, I have clipped off the spent tulips and bent the plants to the ground.
One thing I have learned about the area I planted my tulips in is that it is way more acidic than I thought it was. My Allium, which are acid tolerant, are yellowing before even getting to bloom. There are buds, but one of the buds is turning a reddish color, and not the “000…its going to be so cool” type of coloring.
I had planned on planting my butterfly garden around the stump but that obviously isn’t going to work. Oh well. I’ll just have to pick a better spot for it. I don’t have a day off until Sunday, but most of the cleans I do have won’t take all day so I’ll have time after work, if I feel up to it.
Well, not much is going on here. Work, dogs, cats, husband, sleep, work. I need to fix that. I’m not saying that I don’t cherish the lack of ‘things’ happening, especially since ‘things’ have equaled chaos a lot over the years, but I’d like to have something that makes me want to run to my laptop and tell the world about it because I’m so excited about my experience. Those will come. I’m just incredibly impatient.