Meds, Day 5…

The sun is out, I have the day off, and all I want to do is sleep. I didn’t sleep very well last night. Well, I did, until about 4am. Then, the Committee convened and the next few hours were frustrating more than restful.

I’ve been looking forward to this weekend. I have today and tomorrow off and was hoping to get some gardening done. Finances dictate that we go paint curb numbers instead. I have to admit I am having a really hard time getting myself to do them this year. I love my days off, especially now that I am starting to want to actually do some gardening, and I just don’t want to spend the time working another job.

I know this is kind of nuts, since I turned the curb painting into a business instead of just side work we did to make ends meet, but I feel how I feel. Maybe that will change once I get out there and start making some money. Am I money motivated? Oh, yes. Quite so.

Today is day 5 on the antidepressant. Yesterday was a little bit weird. Not big weird. Just little weird. There is a real part of me that is depressed, grieving in a way, and it was trying to express itself yesterday. I’d start to feel the grief, then it would sort of go away. Then it would start to come out, again. Repeat the cycle.

I also had a moderate headache most of the day. I know this is just the antidepressant organizing things in my brain, the chemicals changing around, but it makes it hard to not just let any of the non-positive emotions that try to come up take over. I have no headache this morning so that is a good thing. Hopefully, it stays that way.

I’m grateful that there is some relief from the depression, finally. Thankfully, I started it before my son decided he was going to go live with his dad’s side of the family earlier this week. I’m heartbroken over this. That side of the family has spent most of my son’s life trying to keep him from me, so there are a lot of scars there. I just hope they can motivate him in a way that I obviously am incapable of doing. My fingers are crossed for him.

Unfortunately, this means finding a home for the cat that my son and daughter have been sharing over the past few years. I don’t think it is fair to her to leave her living in the 5th wheel by herself with very little attention. I go hang out with her for a little bit when I first get home after work everyday, but that seems inadequate to me. Neither of the kids can bring her to where they are at.

I can’t just integrate her into the animal population here because, despite having been vaccinated for it, she has kitty leukemia. She can infect the other cats here. I also can’t just let her out to roam and home because she could infect other kitties she might come in contact with. Finding her a home is going to be difficult at best.

I would love to be able to find someone who doesn’t have other cats and will love Gemini until her journey here is over with, but that is a really big, possibly unrealistic, hope. I don’t feel it should be that way but it is. No one wants a sick cat, even if that cat shows no signs of being sick.

Yes, I’m a little overwhelmed by all of this. I get to be the one to find a home for Gemmy, and if I can’t, make further decisions from there. I don’t feel like this is my responsibility but I know the kids aren’t going to handle it, so… My son will be 18 at the end of this month so I don’t feel like I have much of a say in where he decides to live, either. I guess I’m just trying to learn how to let it all go and move through it to the best of my ability and the least amount of damage all the way around. Sometimes, life just sucks.

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About dragonflygypsyusa

Over-thinker with way too much availability to the internet to research whatever might come to mind, amateur photographer, dog enthusiast, learning every day, working on finding my undamaged self.
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