Well, I went to my doctor’s appointment yesterday. I was almost late because I forgot my purse at home and needed to get gas. I called to let them know I was running late. I can’t believe I actually forgot my purse at home. I quite apparently was not in my body when I left here yesterday morning.
After talking for a minute, my doctor said she wasn’t comfortable prescribing just an antidepressant, since an antidepressant alone in a bipolar body without the monitoring of a mood stabilizer/anti-psychotic can make things worse, much worse. An antidepressant without a mood stabilizer in someone with bipolar that is having a severe depression cycle with suicidal thoughts can change the thoughts into action. I do not share this concern.
Suicidal thought are the brains way of saying help, in my opinion. I have battled with suicidal thoughts for the majority of my life. I have attempted suicide a few times in my much younger years and once in my 30’s, before getting diagnosed, before ever getting on medications to try to manage the bipolar. I do not fear suicidal thoughts ever becoming action ever again. I know suicidal thoughts mean that I am overwhelmed, over-stressed, and it is time for me to seek help, whether in the form of medication and/or finding support to help me sort out the deepest, most provoking thoughts or emotions I am having that are causing the suicidal thoughts to occur, then working them out. I stalk my mind.
Anyway, my doctor and I talked a bit more about medications. I admitted to her that I have used an antidepressant that I had but was no longer taking as part of my meds cocktail, or that I wasn’t taking meds at all, to kick myself out of a depressive episode. I explained how long I took the antidepressant and what the end result was. I know self-medicating is dumb, potentially dangerous. I also have been on enough meds trying to find even that I know how my body reacts to different medications. This doesn’t change the fact the it was still dumb and still dangerous. I’m not proud of it and I’m not ashamed of it either. It just is.
After having this conversation, my doctor decided she was going to go ahead and push the behavioral health referral through, go ahead and write me the prescription for the antidepressant, and schedule a follow-up in two weeks to see how I’m doing. She made it quite clear that I was to come back in right away if I started feeling worse. I have to admit that having this level of trust from a doctor is refreshing. I actually felt heard, which doesn’t happen very often.
So, I started my antidepressant this morning. Knowing that the process has started is a relief in itself. I found myself day dreaming about how I am going to feel soon and it made me smile. I found myself actually looking forward to feeling well enough to get my planting spots ready and planted. I see myself smiling, again, laughing, two things that have been absent or quite scarce for me for a while now. Is that the sun I see up ahead? 😉