My doctor’s appointment to get the ball rolling for medication is today. I’m apprehensive about this. I want the relief an antidepressant can help with but, to be completely honest, I don’t really want to be on medication at all. I always feel like I lose a part of myself when I’m on medication.
I know that is a common complaint from many with bipolar disorder, but…well, its true. Yes, the depression has gotten to be more than I can handle myself. I get that. I probably should have gone into the doctor sooner. If it were a matter of just taking an antidepressant for a bit to kick me out of the sludge, then I’m sure I would feel different about it. I probably wouldn’t have any angst at all about it.
There are parts of the unmedicated me that I really like. I am more genuine in my emotions, I tend to be a bit more creative than when I’m medicated, I feel with all my heart instead of just with my head. I see the value in being medicated, also. More even emotions, clearer thought in most areas, …there are other things, I just can’t think of them at the moment.
I just wish that getting medicated, again, didn’t mean experiencing the feeling of loss of self. I wish getting medicated meant just eliminating the negatives, such as the depression, and leaving some of the things I find strengths, such as being more creative. Apparently, I don’t get to have both. Or maybe I do but have lost the ability to see that from where I’m at, at the moment.
As you can see, medication is a confusing and emotional subject for me. I know I’ve talked about it before, but I’m feeling the need to talk about it, again. I’m having a slight battle with myself this morning over my appointment. I’m going. That’s not the battle.I guess getting on medication, the thought of doing so, feels like admitting defeat, in a way. It’s almost like coming to terms with the fact that some of what I love isn’t good for me and its time to let go of them.
Bottom line: Getting medicated makes me feel crazy.