Moving Things Along…

I packed up all of my daughter’s things in the 5th wheel yesterday. I am going to be buying it from her after I am done paying off the Jeep, which I am almost done doing. Lance fixed the plumbing enough to have water going to the toilet and the kitchen sink. The hot side is going to need to be re-plumbed before we can use the shower in there. Mostly, my son will be using the shower in there, since he is uncomfortable showering in public places, like the Y. At any rate, we moved my son into the 5th wheel last night. Now, we can start the process of cleaning out Marv (the rv) and getting him ready to go away, whether we sell him or have the wrecking yard come take him away.

Part of the cleaning process of Marv is to find out whether or not the rv is actually sellable. It was not in the greatest of shape when we bought it a year and a half ago and living in an rv is hard on it because they really weren’t designed for full-time living. I am very much looking forward to having Marv go away. I never really liked this rv from the beginning but it filled a need, at the time.

It was 39 degrees when I woke up this morning around 7am. I know it’s just part of where I am at, mentally, but I am so sick of the cold in the morning and the potential of having to cover my plants at night. I waited and waited and waited for Spring to get here and now I can’t wait for Summer, or, at the very least, mid-Spring. I see living in a warmer climate one day, if I can ever figure out how to make that happen.

My son is turning 18 at the end of the month. I can’t believe all of my babies have made it to adulthood, already. I know already isn’t really an accurate term for this, since it takes 18 years to reach adulthood and my oldest will be 27 this year. Since I didn’t raise my oldest, I can say that I have been parenting for only 24 years, so ‘already’ isn’t really the right term. It’s somewhat surreal, though, that my children are adults.

This, of course, makes me think of my own age. I’ll be 44 this June. Sometimes, its amazing how life just sneaks up on you. One day, you’re 16, 18, early 20’s, and the next, you’re not. You’re in the age group that used to seem old when you were those younger ages.

I don’t feel old, but I don’t exactly feel young either. I look out at the different areas I have planned to garden in this year and think to myself “Yeah! I got this. Let’s do it!!” Then, I start to moving around and hear my body saying, forcefully, “You are not the Spring chicken you used to be. Are you trying to kill us?” I feel like I am way too young to feel like this, physically.

I know that part of the aches and pains have to do with my mental state. Depression comes with aches, many times. I also realize a life of physical labor is what the rest of the aching is all about. I need to really consider getting into yoga or something like that to strengthen the muscles around the joints that are aching and complaining.

Yoga is something I have thought about doing many times. Why I haven’t done it, I’m not really sure. Ok. That’s not exactly true. I have never felt like I had the time to consistently devote to such a thing. Or the money to apply to the class and the things that go along with it. Excuses, probably.

I’ve been really noticing a lot of the excuses I have used throughout my life to keep me from doing things I would really like to do. I am starting to see how I have allowed low self-esteem to inhibit me, and I’m ashamed of myself for it. I know I shouldn’t feel ashamed, but I do. Isn’t that a bitch of a perpetual cycle. That’s just got to stop happening. I need to make that stop happening.

One of the things that will come along with medication is required counseling. Part of me looks forward to that. Another part is dreading it. There have been very few counselors in my life that I have actually been able to connect with or that I couldn’t just talk circles around when I didn’t feel like getting into whatever. How’s that for healthy? Ugh.

I think I have unrealistic beliefs/opinions/expectations when it comes to counselors. If you can’t call me on my crap, such as trying to avoid an issue or topic by circle talking, then I have no respect for the counselor and start just saying what I think they want to hear so they leave me alone. As dumb as dumb gets, I know that. I have no idea where this comes from but it’s there.

Maybe I need to walk into this next counselor and tell them this part. It has never occurred to me to do so until right now, writing this. I’ve gone into counseling before telling myself that I am just going to be open, stay open, because not doing so would not provide the optimal results, and that helped. It also helped that that counselor was great at ‘seeing’ when I was uncomfortable with an issue or topic to the point that my defenses were trying to take over and not allow me to hide. He was great. I wish I was still seeing him. He was actually the one counselor I had out of the list of counselors past that I actually felt like I was making progress with.

Anyway, the sun is out and I should plan some things to do to enjoy it before we go out to paint curbs this afternoon. I hope everyone has an amazing day!!

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About dragonflygypsyusa

Over-thinker with way too much availability to the internet to research whatever might come to mind, amateur photographer, dog enthusiast, learning every day, working on finding my undamaged self.
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