Well, I did it. I made an appointment to talk with someone about getting on an anti-depressant. The earliest they could get me in is next Monday at 10. Better than nothing, right?
Of course, I wanted them to tell me to come in today sometime, or tomorrow, because I’m like that. I want what I want when I want it, which is usually now if not sooner. But, its only a week. I’ve made it this long trying to manage it by myself.
I have to admit that I am a bit apprehensive about this whole thing. I know this is not going to just be an easy “I need an anti-depressant,” a few questions from the doctor, and here’s my prescription. They have my history. They are going to want me to pair the anti-depressant with a mood stabilizer, and this is where it really gets fun.
I don’t want a mood stabilizer. I know an anti-depressant could kick me into a mania and I’m ok with that. Adding a mood stabilizer means re-entering the crap shoot of “What medication combo do we try now? Let’s see what I have up my sleeve.” I think I would almost rather stay where I’m at than have to run that game, again. Its exhausting, defeating, and always feels like complete insanity has taken over. I want to feel better not add to the crazies.
Part of me feels like even going in for an anti-depressant is willingly entering into insanity. You know the saying: the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. I’ve been down this road before and it has never turned out for the better. At least, not in the long term.
An amazing and dear friend of mine and I were talking one time about the whole bi-polar and medication thing. She blind-sided me with a question I had an immediate answer for. She asked me if I thought maybe it wasn’t the bipolar that needed attending to but PTSD from life experiences (or something like that). I agreed immediately without giving it any thought. It has definitely left me a whole lot of thoughts about this possibility since then.
Its hard for me to say that anything has happened in my life that is any worse than anyone else. Its not that maybe that’s how it really is but the fact that I have been told many times by different people that you just have to move on, not dwell, take what you can use from the experience and leave the rest behind. In short order, no one really wants to hear about it. So, I keep it to myself, or down play it, whatever ‘it’ may be. I know my life could have had a lot worse things happen in it along the way, but the experiences I have had are mine, which changes some of that whole logic. If it feels horrible to me, then that is how I need to approach it in the healing process. Maybe I’m wrong about that. I don’t know.
Anyway, the appointment has been made. I have a whole week to see if my battle gear still fits. Hopefully, whatever they prescribe me doesn’t make me put on more weight. That won’t help my state of mind at all.