Its 32 degrees this morning. I’m so grateful that I covered my tulips and hollyhock last night. Still the same hodge podge mess from the night before, but covered none the less. Night temps are supposed to start going up tonight (forecasted 39 degrees for tonight), which means I can go back to not having to cover them. YAY!!
I haven’t been writing lately because I am sick of hearing the mud that has been coming out of my head. How many times can one write about discontent, frustration, and over-all general dissatisfaction with the current state of affairs in one’s life? I feel I have crossed the line into too many times. At least, it feels and sounds that way to me.
Over the last few days, I have been doing a thorough search of my thoughts, emotions, beliefs to find exactly what it is that has me caught up in the sludge. I haven’t found any one thing for me to focus on and deal with. This isn’t to say I haven’t found anything. The opposite is the truth here. That being said, I believe it is time for me to seek help with this. Self-doctoring through contemplation, daily gratitude lists, meditation (which has been half-assed, I’ll admit), positive affirmations, self-help/self-awareness audiobooks isn’t working. The next step is medication.
I have to admit this is a scary realization for me. Medications have worked temporarily in the past and mostly to only numb me to myself. The last time I was on medications to attempt to help even out my bipolar, I really thought we had found the right cocktail, finally. Stopping that medication wasn’t a thought process. It was about 2 months after I stopped taking them that I realized I had. This caused me to give up on the medication trail.
Ok. It wasn’t just that. I’d spent the previous 4 or so years working with various therapists, trying out different medications, by themselves and in a mix, without much success. Most leave me feeling completely unemotional. For example, I had a close friend end his life and I had absolutely no emotions about it. None.
It’s a really weird position to be in when you know that the current ‘event’ should elicit feelings in you and all you have are thoughts about it. I spent a lot of time thinking “Shouldn’t I be feeling something about this? Why am I feeling nothing about this?” I could tell you that the loss of this friend was sad, but there was absolutely nothing backing the statement for me. Medications were changed very shortly afterward.
Now, I seem to be there without the medication. Ok. Not quite there, but…well, its similar. I know I;m discontent. I know I’m frustrated. I know there is part of me that is deeply sad. Sometimes there is actually emotion to it, something felt, but…I don’t know…its more like knowing what emotion goes with the thoughts I am having, but I’m not really aware of the emotions themselves.
So, anyway, its time to seek out medical help, I believe. I’d like to say that I am going to be extremely proactive about this but I can’t promise that. It’s like walking back into a relationship that proclaimed to offer hope, joy, comfort and finding nothing but disappointment, frustrations, and unhappiness at a high cost. I do know that trying to manage this by myself isn’t working. Life is too short with way too much to enjoy to feel like I am feeling.