I haven’t written for a couple of days. I’m in some sort of funk and I don’t really know what sparked it, and it seems to have teeth. I had the day off yesterday so I did a day of self-care, hoping that would help with shaking off this ick, but I’m feeling it at least as much today, if not more. What has happened to my optimism?
This funk is something I realize I have been feeling, on and off, for some time now. I’ve believed it was a result of working so much, the wonderful installments of, for lack of a better word, chaos that have come along over the last few months, and it being the end of the cold, dark months of winter. There has been sun the last few days, and much much warmer weather (in the low 70’s), which are things that usually help with kicking any mental nasties to the curb. The mental nasties are still here.
This all tells me that there is something in my life that is really bothering me that I am ignoring. I have no idea what it could be and trying to decipher it while being robed in gremlins is difficult, to say the least. This could be a self-perpetuating situation if I don’t figure out how to change it. I’m swimming against the current of a fast-moving, sludgy river.
There is a Committee member that is trying to speak up, but I can’t hear it over the din of darkness being wrapped around my brain. It feels like this Committee member may have the answer, or at least be able to remind me how I combat the ugliness. I really wish I could hear what it is trying to say.
I write a gratitude list every morning. My gratitude lists include the feelings I have over the not so great things that occur along with the wonderful. I’ve been having a hard time with these as well. The world is looking extremely flat and pale to me these days. This is horrible because Spring is when all of the colors come out to play, when dancing for the sake of dancing or expressing joy happen at random, when I’m looking forward to seeing what I can see each morning. What the hell is going on with me?
I’m angry about this. I’m heart-broken over it. And, at the same time, I’m completely numb to it. Does that make sense? I look out at the world and nothing grabs my attention, nothing sparks fire in me. I get these are classic signs of depression. SO, what am I so depressed about?
I don’t know. I guess I need to figure that part out before I can move forward, and I hate that. I don’t know why I’m so depressed and I just want to move past it. I’ve been chalking it up to some bipolar cycle but the fact that I can’t seem to shake it tells me it must be something a bit more than that.
I’ll figure it out. I’ll make things change. The funk has got to go. I can’t think well with it, my creativity is non-existent, and I’m not ok with either of those. Its past time for me to just sit with myself and have a good look at what is giving the gremlins their fuel for chaos.