Yesterday was such a great day. Nothing grand happened, and I think that is part of what made it so wonderful. It was just a day, no schedule, no pressures. Just a day to casually wander through. I even painted my toe nails!!
Its been a really long time since I’ve painted my nails. I forgot how much better they look painted. I did my finger nails, too, though I’m not sure why since cleaning will ruin them immediately. For now, at least, I get enjoy them being painted and looking nice.
Spring is 18 days away. Its been sunny the last couple of days, and, though the rain is here this morning, it is supposed to clear up today. I am finding that the sun is making me long even more for Summer. In my head, I will be able to lazily wander through my days, taking care of the garden, giving my camera a much-needed work out. I’m not sure why this is the feeling I get when I think of Summer because Summers have been busy for me for quite some time now. Perhaps it is the wishing of my soul as it tries to bring into reality what it wants most.
Sometimes I wonder how I got here, to this point in my life. I know the answer, but my reality is so much different from the picture I had in my head…that I still have in my head. Sometimes the dream is so intense that it becomes confusing to be inside my life. Does that make sense?
I have a confession to make. Lance has been home for a while now. He was only going to be here for a few days, a week at most, while he got the money together to head down to his sister’s place in Oregon. The plan to go to his sister’s fell through.
We have been getting along pretty well. I’ll admit there is a part of me waiting for things to slide back into the unhappy, unhealthy rut we were in for so long, but, so far, we seem to be able to keep ourselves out of it. I’m not saying we haven’t visited that rut a few times, but we popped right back out of it each time, if for no other reason than I recognized the rut and refused to be there with him. I’ve made it clear that I’d rather be alone than have that be the way life, our relationship, is. I think he feels the same way.
I’m not saying we fixed this, either. I’m not ready to fully commit to that belief. I still don’t think we have fixed anything between us, but that would take time, anyway. I guess I’m moving forward through this without being fully attached to it. That isn’t really the right explanation, but I’m not really sure what it is I’m trying to say. I know what I’m feeling, just not how to describe it. Time will tell where this leads.
Anyway, that’s my confession. I haven’t wanted to say anything because Lance being here was originally supposed to be very temporary. Its been about a month, now, so I guess I felt it was time to spill the beans.