I’m really out of sorts today. I made a decision yesterday that is changing my life and not at a slow pace. It’s hard to think about, mostly because it hurts my heart and because I don’t want to be one of those people who just complains about things. I need to walk through this slowly, with as much grace as I can muster.
I told my husband I am done yesterday. We have been growing apart for a while. Discontent has been palpable for too long, on both sides, though I doubt he will admit that he has been feeling that way. His actions say he has, but I think he believes that saying he has been discontent is the same as saying he doesn’t love me anymore.
I know he loves me. Love, or lack of it, is not the problem. We just can’t seem to get on the same page, anymore, or even into the same book. Maybe that doesn’t seem like such a big deal, but being on the same page, or, at the very least, the same book, has been a part of our relationship from the very beginning. Not on everything. I think that would be unrealistic, but we were there on enough of the important things that it put us in sync. Time, and life, has taken away that balance. We let it take away that balance through complacency.
I want to be mad at him, but it’s not really what I’m feeling. I’m hurt, and I’m not sure I can blame him completely for that. I have to own my own part in this, I’m just not sure exactly what parts are mine and which are his at this point. The feelings are too intense for me to be able to sort that out, or to even determine if it matters. Right now, I’m feeling a bit lost.
I went to work without him yesterday after telling him I am done and that maybe he should spend the day looking for a job. When I got home, he was gone, though almost all of his things are still here. He texted me soon after I got home, coincidentally, telling me he was at a friend’s place. I didn’t know how to respond to this. I probably should have just not responded but sent him the message “good luck.”
Part of me is worried that he is thinking that if he just gives me some space, and time, that I will get over whatever I’m going through and we can just continue on. There is a part of me that sees that happening but I believe that is just my heart. I love him, that hasn’t changed. I just can’t do this anymore. We are not getting along. We are not seeing things from the same view-point. We disagree more than we agree. Our relationship has become something that no longer fills my soul but hurts it. We have lost the ability to communicate with each other. I’m no longer comfortable coming to him with what hurts my heart and mind, which was something I had been able to do with him in a way that I had never been able to do with anyone before him. I think he may be feeling the same way about me.
I want to be able to just stay home and process this but my week is packed. I have 7 cleans over the next 4 days, 3 of them today. Thankfully, my daughter has stepped in to help. There is no way I would have been able to get through all these cleans by myself, especially today.
I took my wedding ring off last night and put it in a drawer. What does one do with a wedding ring they no longer wear? I never expected to be here. This June would have been our 7th wedding anniversary. I walked in to this marriage with the belief that it would never end in divorce. I wouldn’t have gotten married if I had believed that was a possibility. Maybe I’m naive. I guess I’m learning that happily ever after just isn’t in the cards for me.