Gardening Dreams, Audiobooks, Talking Through the Fear…

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Spring just can’t get here quick enough for me. I am longing to get a garden started but to do so now most certainly would end in failure and a complete redo. All of the stores are putting out the gardening stuffs – seeds, gardening tools, landscaping items, starting soil, peat pots – and I want to buy them all.

I’m weak. I bought two packets of certified organic, non-gmo seeds yesterday: Lavender Lady (lavandula angustifolia) and Rosemary (rosmarinus officinalis). There is a very strong part of me that states I can just get everything started inside. Then one of The Committee members speaks up “And just where, inside, do you think you have the room to do that?” Sometimes, I really hate The Committee, even if it is passing out sound information. It is times like this that I wish I could just hibernate through winter. Lucky bears.

I’ve spent the last couple of days downloading 12 new audiobooks. When the stack was sitting on my desk, I realized what an electic mix it was. There is a little serial killer stuff (I find abnormal psychology to be incredibly interesting), some books on investing, a little bit in the therapy/self-help genre, and one or two business education style books. Should be some interesting listening/learning and its a really good thing I have another 16 gig micro SD card for my phone.

I have come to realize that I am depressed. I believe part of this is due to the season, but…well, the rest is just life and my frustration with the slow pace forward movement can take sometimes. It seems like such a long distance to where I want to be and that the road, riddled with challenges and the unknown, is less than friendly to navigate.

I know I’m making progress, though. Over the last eight months, I have gotten us on a budget, started making some payments on old debt, and, yesterday, I signed up with T-mobile, taking us from pre-paid service with Net 10 to a 2 year contract. For some reason, this makes me feel like things are getting a bit back toward ‘normal,’ a little closer to being real people as opposed to the gremlins in the side of your vision that you can never really quite see.

With every step forward made, I find I am a little bit more depressed. This really doesn’t make sense to me. Sure, there is the relief of stress, definitely, but I have all of these other emotions coming up. Perhaps it is just all of the emotions I haven’t processed since this life started. This Tuesday marks the end of the 6th year of RV life. A lot has happened in that time.

Part of me thinks that I just need to step out of this life for a day, a couple of days, a week, something to gain some perspective. I don’t really have any way of doing that, though, so I am still faced with the task of managing my emotions while continuing the left foot, right foot shuffle, making the right next indicated step forward. Suck it up, right?

Well, sucking it up is what has gotten me so back logged on my emotions in the first place. I guess I just need to figure out how to balance emotion processing with forward movement efforts, though I do not know how to do that, exactly. How does one have a complete emotional breakdown, allowing all of the tears and heart ache to come that I pushed to the side because they were inconvenient, overwhelming, and/or not part of the survival plan, and not completely derail forward momentum during the healing process, however long that takes? I’ve spent a lot of time denying feelings about this rv life we have been living because to validate the feelings would have left me unable to accept/deal with this life on a level that allowed even the most moderate level of functionality. I needed to be able to place some amount of delusion to it as a buffer.

I can’t say that doing this, ignoring my feelings and constructing a buffer, was a conscious thought, though I can see it clearly, now, looking back over the years. One of the things I find amazing is that I was able to keep the buffer zone despite the amount of counseling I have done over most of the past 6 years. Apparently, I constructed this delusion out of titanium or something. Perhaps it was necessary. Or, maybe I have been weak beyond my current definition of the word.

To be completely honest, I am still not handling my emotions. I’m sitting here thinking about it and can see all of the places I am stuffing feelings into boxes and placing them in the Undealt With Emotions vault to either deal with them later or to one day light a match and watch the inferno blaze. This second option is not even close to a good one, though part of me tries to believe it would be the easier route. In reality, it would be incredibly destructive and probably leave many casualties in its wake, including me.

I know this sounds like a huge pity party I’m throwing for myself, and, perhaps, in some ways, it is. I guess part of me is trying to figure out how to deal with the back log without it becoming something that drops me to my knees. I’ve had too much of that during this 6 year stretch and I’m sick of it beyond measure. I have an extreme fear of these emotions reaching a boiling point and it not only destroying the small amount of progress I’ve made but leaving me struggling to get up, again.

Maybe all of this is because of making some progress. I actually have something I could lose. I know that is not the way to look at it, and I do my best to not do so, but…like I said, a lot has happened. There is scarring. There is fear, obviously. And there is a ginormous truck load of hope, dreams, and desire to be successful in digging myself out of this pit that seems unrealistically deep.

And there it is. The key to what I’m going through, emotionally, right now. I’ve put all of myself into reaching the top of the pit and crawling onto firm ground, in the sun, and I’m afraid of being pushed off my tiny foothold and crashing to the bottom, again. Man! Fear is disgustingly horrible, but I can see it now, which means I can do something about it, even if that something is just recognizing it and moving forward with it in tow. I’ve got this, right?

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About dragonflygypsyusa

Over-thinker with way too much availability to the internet to research whatever might come to mind, amateur photographer, dog enthusiast, learning every day, working on finding my undamaged self.
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