Last night, The Committee was up to its old tricks, again. Incessant talking about mostly really unimportant things. What about this? Remember that? I was thinking… Sure, some of what was presented, with or without the PowerPoint presentation, was stuff that should be pondered, remembered, considered, but not at the crucial point of falling asleep, the point of floating right before falling off the edge into the glorious abyss of sleep and dreams. Unfortunately, for me, this is the time that my Committee seems the least capable of keeping its mouth shut.
On top of its normal chatter, I have provided more material for The Committee to ponder and discuss through the religion and spiritual learning I have been doing through audiobooks. These topics put The Committee in an active beehive mode. “What do they mean when they say the results were inconclusive?” “Do you think we should pray? We used to pray. Maybe we should try it, again.” “What about meditation? We used to meditate. Maybe we should try that, again.” “Is there really a God? Is God an imaginary friend or something real? What’s the deal with Buddha? Sure, great philosophy for living, but ???” “We don’t really know anything about Allah. Maybe we need to know more about Allah. Maybe that will bring more insight.” “That one book talked about a guy that prayed as if he were having a discussion with a friend. We could try that.” And on and on and on.
It seems almost wrong to tell The Committee to shut the hell up when its going on and on about religious/spiritual stuffs, but its all I can think when I am hearing the bombarding, misquito-like prattle of The Committee as I am falling asleep. There has to be a time of day when I get to punch out on the time clock. The Committee, of course, does not agree. It looks at the time when I am trying to fall asleep as the time when They have my undivided attention and blurts out every single thought that it comes up with, whether or not it has had the time to even decide if its important.
Last night’s Committee Meeting tells me a few things, or at least potentially does. Apparently, The Committee feels there is a need for some form of spiritual practice, such as meditation or prayer. I look at these two actions as basically the same thing. One is silent mediation, a quieting of the mind, the other is verbal meditation, whether spoken out loud or thought, and deals with specifics instead of letting the mind find its most desired path at the moment. Both are supposed to strengthen the mind, the spirit, and alleviate stress, provide comfort, and lead to answers that have eluded one until this point.
I’m not sure I’m ready to return to such practices. Doing so means I have to face the time when I decided it had to all be fairy tales we tell, believe in, and pass on as a way of…deluding ourselves and others that there is more than just this, to feel connected, to not feel alone in the pits of hell that life can feel like sometimes. There is a lot of baggage there, and I am not sure I am willing to completely unpack those bags filled with pain, disbelief, feelings of abandonment, betrayal, and my anger.
You see, when I came to the point in my life when I stopped believing in a power greater than myself, I had been deeply involved in spiritual practices. I did a morning ritual every day (I’m not talking my coffee wake-up ritual that I still have), relied on my practices when I was troubled, sought the council of a higher being when I had no idea what to do next or when I was hurting and wanting relief. I even became ordained (yes, online, but that didn’t make the course any less challenging). I believed in a higher power with all of me.
I’ve tried to go back to that a few times, using baby steps to ease back in, but always find myself feeling like I’m just doing a dance for myself, in the fashion of those you see on the street talking with themselves and arguing with invisible others. Not much relief found in that. Or strength. On top of that, when I would attempt to renew my spiritual beliefs and practices, life would come and back-hand me with something that crushed my soul, once again. This, in turn, would leave me renewed in my belief that spiritual practices are just a psychological game we play on ourselves with expert skill.
At this point, I am not sure what my thoughts are on it. I have a respect for those that have a strong spiritual belief that they find comfort and strength in. This world can be a difficult place to find those things within the chaos. As for me, I guess I need to reconcile what I’ve learned, what I’ve experienced, what I’ve debated in the past with others, and what it is I am feeling, now.