Christmas, This is Your (My) Life, Meditation…

How was everyone’s Thanksgiving? I hope everyone had a great one, whatever it turned out to include or not include. My Thanksgiving was just a day, which was just fine by me. I dropped my son off with his oldest sister, came home, napped, lounged around, thought about blogging but never actually got around to doing so.

I hit up one of the Pre-Black Friday sales last night to get the kids’ Christmas gifts. It feels so amazing to be able to get them something nice after so many years of getting them what I could, which meant that some of those Christmas’, there was nothing from me or what they got was purchased with a gift card I had received as a gift, when it wasn’t applied to a household need. Now, I have the ‘torture’ of keeping their gift a secret for the next month. 😀

Since I have absolutely no room to stash the presents here, my friend is stashing them at her place for me. I’m not sure what I’ll do with them on Christmas eve, but I’ll figure that out. I have a month. It’s not Christmas with the tree and decorations and all of that, but it is a step in that direction and it feels pretty good.

I am having a hard time getting into the writing flow this morning. I’m distracted by some personal life stuff things that I don’t feel are things that I should be writing about here. At least, not at this point.

Lately, and I don’t know what has spurred it, I have been processing/remembering all of the things that have happened or I have done that I’m less than happy with myself about in my lifetime. It’s like a This is Your Life episode, except the highlights are not the happy things but a listing of all the mistakes, especially the ones that I wish I would have been better experienced to handle. Its defeating, and this is on top of the personal life stuff I was referring to in the past paragraph. I’m going through something.

I think part of what has this going on has to do with the fact that I am making progress in moving forward in my life. Its making those things that I have put in the “Its just what it is right now” category for quite some time now  feel like extremely heavy, unacceptable anchors to the way I don’t want things to be like. I can see the change that’s happening, the positive change, and I find myself feeling less than patient with the things I felt I could not change before and haven’t figured out how to change, yet, or am in the process of changing but it takes time. I guess I’m behaving, internally, like a tyrannical two-year old needing a nap: I want what I want and I want it all right now.

I’m not sure why I am having such a hard time just holding on to the positive part: I’m making progress in the direction I want to. Usually, when I find myself getting impatient with the sometimes slow pace of progress, I can talk myself down off the ledge of discontent and frustration, even if that includes having a small, private fit with The Committee first in order to make it happen. I’ve had that fit already, a couple of times, heard The Committee’s rebuttals, and find that I am still just…screaming inside. Maybe this is because the things I am working on changing in my life are so important to me, things I want with every fiber of my being, and I’ve wanted them for a long time.

Isn’t it amazing how easily we lie to ourselves as a coping mechanism? Or is that just me? I’ve said before how much I hate being lied to and there is nothing worse than coming to the realization that I have been lying to myself about too many things in an attempt to just keep my emotional/psychological nose above water. What a horrible way of not coping.

Maybe I need to start meditating, again. I don’t really know why I stopped, what seems like so long ago. I guess I came to feel like all I was doing was giving myself a time out and not accomplishing anything by it, but I think that had more to do with the level of stress that was coming into my life and growing. My life is still stressful, but I think I am starting to see that the time out that I give myself through meditation is a chance for my subconscious to work on the problems, uninterrupted.

I’m in this ‘make it happen’ mode where sitting for even 5 minutes to meditate seems like I’m just wasting time, but, considering how much time I have spent on  my days off just slothing around shows that I’m just avoiding meditating. Perhaps I’m fearful of the realizations I might come to. Maybe I’m afraid those realizations will be things I don’t know how to deal with or how to apply to my life. Maybe I’m afraid of a complete emotional breakdown if I get that in touch with myself, again. I don’t know. Maybe all of that is just a list of excuses, a way of staying in the muck. Sigh. I need to stop being such a child and step up.

About dragonflygypsyusa

Over-thinker with way too much availability to the internet to research whatever might come to mind, amateur photographer, dog enthusiast, learning every day, working on finding my undamaged self.
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