I hate when I get to this point. I’m tired, grumpy, discontent and know that if I would just lie down and take a nap, I would feel much better, but I decide to take care of everything else but myself. Its dumb.
I’ve gotten so far into this today that I can’t sleep. I tried. I laid down, snuggled into my comfy cozy down quilt, arranged my pillow just right, and closed my eyes, prepared to just let go and drift over the edge into nothingness. Of course, this is about the time The Committee decides they have my undivided attention and begin to prattle on and on about everything and nothing. I begin my mantra of “clear…clear…clear.”
I picked that mantra about 15 years ago when I was going through a lot of long, sleepless nights due to not being able to get my head to shut up. Ruminating, I believe the therapist I was seeing at the time called it. The Committee would begin its incessant jabbering, anything and everything from how they feel I managed my way through the day to trying to come up with the master plan to take over the world. Once I would realize what was happening, I would begin to think “clear…clear…clear.” I wanted to clear my mind. Mostly, I just wanted The Committee to stuff a sock in it. This method worked most of the time, though not all of the time.
I think its time for a new mantra. It seems as if The Committee has come to realize what I have been attempting to accomplish with the clear mantra and they get louder, more insistent that what they have to say and/or report is of the utmost importance and I must pay attention. They listen to the mantra for a minute or so then go on with what they were saying, as if to say to me “Yeah, yeah, we hear you, but that’s just too bad. There are things that must be done, must be solved, must be pondered. You’ll get enough sleep when you’re dead, lazy butt.” The Committee can be such a bully sometimes.
So, here I sit, writing, wishing I were sleeping, eyes burning, fuming at The Committee and the inability to find the right medication cocktail over the last 10 years to alleviate some of this. Yes, I’m pouting like a two-year old that needs a nap. So what? I’ve tried the rational route and that didn’t work out so well this time. Maybe I just need a good cry to relieve some of the ‘pressure.’ The downside to that is that I really don’t cry anymore. I’m too busy trying to keep it together so that I can continue to keep this gypsy camp alive. I’m finding myself more outwardly emotionally numb. My emotions have become thoughts, for the most part, and not much else. That is, unless I have a complete meltdown. Ugh…left foot, right foot, repeat.