Can I just go back to bed, today? I’m just not feeling it today. It would appear that some of the discontent from yesterday has decided to hang around. I’m hoping to shake it before the day gets too far along. Fingers crossed.
I cash my paycheck today. Lance and I went over the budget last night and, though the check is a nice one, it still just doesn’t seem to be enough. On the other hand, we budgeted in the Christmas gifts for the kids. Maybe its just my impatience to make it to the top of this pit we are in that leaves me looking at the little bit left after all the ‘have to’s’ and the kids’ Christmas gifts with a feeling of lack.
Or maybe its the fact that I have been working my butt off, having almost no time at home with the kids and dogs, no time for anything else, that to see so little of the check left just doesn’t seem like such a great pay off. I guess I’m looking at the glass half empty. I should be looking at the fact that rent is paid, there is gas in the van, we have food, bills are paid, phones are on, internet is on, I’m paying off one of my debts, and we are actually ABLE to get the kids a Christmas gift this year that isn’t bought with a gift card I receive as a Christmas gift. There’s a lot of positive in that. Maybe its time to do a gratitude list.
In one of the books I listened to recently (I believe it was Peace and Plenty), the author recommends writing a gratitude list every morning. I thought it was a really great idea when I heard it but I have done nothing toward adding this to my morning ritual. This tells me that my discontent is self-provoked. Shame on me.
I’ve known for the last few years that the holiday season is a tough one for me, for a variety of reasons. It has become painfully obvious this year just how much I let the season affect my attitude. How can the holiday season be full of cheer if I’m buying into the negative? I’m not saying that some of the feelings that come along in the holiday season aren’t valid, just that how I handle them is up to me, and I’ve been handling them all wrong. If I choose to let my emotions dictate how I see the world, then I am doomed to be unhappy.
Emotions have always been a challenge for me. I’ve given them too much power. I feel intensely, and that isn’t always a great thing. Ok. It’s not a bad thing either. Again, this comes down to how I handle them. I think 2015 needs to be the year that I learn how to better move through my emotions without letting them take the wheel.
2015 is also going to be the year that I see if I can write that book I feel rolling around in my head. With the work that I am doing, if I don’t start on the book, it may never get written. My hands will give out long before I get there. At least that’s how my hands have been feeling lately.
And this brings me to work. I am feeling like I need to find different work. I’m damn good at this cleaning thing. In fact, we have become Cayle’s go to team for new clients. Every month, I find that more and more of me is aching or hurting, and the fact that my hands are hurting as much as they have been really causes me some angst. My hands have always carried me through, allowed me to make money, do the things I love to do like write, and the fact that I am now taking ibuprofen fairly regularly to combat the pain they are feeling tells me my hands are starting to wear down.
Lance and I have had the conversation about losing senses and what would be the worst one to lose. For me it would have to be sight, I think. I couldn’t imagine not being able to see my kids’ faces, see my future grandchildren, witness the amazing acts of nature, enjoy the dogs playing and the goofy faces they make when they are happy. I love silence, so I don’t think I would miss being able to hear, though this would leave my audiobook learning on the wayside. For that, I would figure out another way. It never occurred to me when Lance and I had the conversation how I would feel if I could no longer rely on my hands. Though it wouldn’t be as devastating as losing my sight, it would still be pretty significant. I’m not sure how I would compensate for that, though I am sure I would come up with something eventually. Maybe I’d become one of those amazing people who learn how to do it all with their feet. 🙂
Before I head out into my day, I have to tell you about the book I listened to yesterday. Its called Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith by Anne Lamott. I listened to one of her other books, Stitches: A Handbook on Meaning, Hope, and Repair, and had really enjoyed it. Plan B had me giggling out loud a few times. I love Anne Lamott’s matter-of-fact honesty, honesty that most try to sugar coat. She says some things that are just too true to not be laughed at. She also had me tearing up in couple of places, too. It’s a really good read/listen, if anyone is interested.
Have a most wonderful day, Everyone!! May you find out something amazing about yourself today. 😉