I’m sitting here without coffee. I have no milk with which to create my morning elixir (four shot vanilla latte). My paycheck didn’t come in the mail yesterday so I am stuck at home today until it shows up. There is just enough gas in the van to make it to the bank then across the parking lot for gas. I’m a bit out of sorts without my coffee this morning. The morning ritual isn’t complete. My brain is fixated on finding the solution to the problem, how to fix it right now instead of just going with the fact that it is all about waiting. I don’t like waiting.
I’ve been told at different times throughout my life that I have the patience of Job. It always makes me wonder how observant the person saying this to me actually is. I don’t feel like I have much patience at all. I fidget, sigh, play games on my phone to try to pass the time and distract myself from watching the clock, but I guess that has more to do with waiting than the patience that has been applied to me. The comment seems to almost always be applied when I am somehow exhibiting patience with people. I think I must be really great at hiding my impatience.
Calm. That’s another adjective that has been used in describing me that completely baffles me. I don’t feel calm. In fact, the exact opposite is true. I feel extremely chaotic most of the time. I’m constantly anxious about this or that in an attempt to control my own world, to keep things moving forward with as little strife as possible. I don’t always succeed at this, but my brain is constantly, eagerly, looking for or trying to formulate the correct next move, the solution to the latest obstacle(s). I have to admit it is quite exhausting.
Maybe this is why calm has been applied to me. I’m mentally exhausted from my brain constantly going, going, going that there is not enough left to express the emotions I am feeling inside. Maybe that’s just a load of crap.
If you can’t tell, my mind is aimlessly wandering around, searching for something to write about while also obsessing about coffee, or the lack there of. It sounds horrible, I know. I mean, it’s just coffee. My mind fights against calling coffee ‘just’. The warm, smooth, creamy goodness I have every morning is so much more than ‘just’. It is the start to my day, part of my morning ritual of coffee and blogging, coffee and watching the sun come up, coffee and time with my thoughts to check in with me. Can you see how discontent I am about not having my coffee this morning? Ugh…