I’ve been sitting here staring at the blank ‘page’ for the last 10 minutes. I want to write. My hands have been resting on the keyboard, fingers hovering, ready to start the dance of writing as soon as the music begins. There is no music this morning. Or, perhaps there is music but it is muffled by the heavy fog that has encased my brain like a thick, down comforter. I think I can hear my own comforter and pillow calling me, trying to coax me back into the warmth and protection they provide.
It’s not that I’m tired, really…who wouldn’t love to spend just a few more minutes in bed each morning?… but that is not what is going on here. This is the fog that comes when I am not taking care of myself, working too hard, too much, brain constantly going on the problems of the world, or, at least, my world. I can’t honestly say that I have been working too much, lately, though.
Summer is over and the rains have returned, so painting curb address numbers is done for the year. The Wheel is also turning toward the holidays, so cleans have slowed down a bit. I am actually having days off and many days when I am home hours before dinner time. Maybe this is what is causing the fog or maybe it is just a back log from being so busy all summer that is moving to the forefront, filling up the available space.
Whatever the cause of the fog, I am in it and this leaves me in a vulnerable state. My armour is about as strong as a latex balloon that has been filled with air to maximum capacity, plus a little. Even the dullest needle of life will easily deflate me today. I feel mentally and emotionally weak. I want to lay in bed all day, watching Netflix, sleeping, reading, absent from life.
I don’t like feeling this way; the vulnerability, the emotionally ineptness, the lack of desire to participate in life. I don’t like having to struggle through my fog to find my abilities, to form complete thoughts, to find any desire other than the one for complete isolation. I’m not really people friendly today. I have a hard time connecting and, when I do, I have to constantly remind myself that it’s not all about me, the world around me isn’t trying to just be mean, there isn’t some underlying issue that isn’t being addressed or being talked about by everyone but me like some secret.
I know that sounds paranoid. Maybe it is. Unfortunately, the feeling is similar to the one I have gotten many times before as an intuitive predecessor to some sort of fall out. It puts me on edge. Part of me sits in my brain just observing, ever watchful for the shoe to drop and the floor to fall out. It causes me to worry more than normal and it is way too easy to drive myself nuts over it.
As much as I would like to call this day a mental health day, I can’t. I have responsibilities that must be met and people who are relying on me. The day must go on no matter how stormy or foggy it is in my brain. I will push myself through this day with a firm yet gentle nudging, knowing that it won’t last forever and that, when it’s over, I can come back home to the safety of my inner world.